Help pls , husband wants separation , child 11

[Mummyofone77]

Hello I’m desperate for any advice please from anyone willing to help and read this please , my husband of 20 years had some sort of numb emotional breakdown his not well in his mind says he feels like giving up , we argue , bicker in front of our 11 year old despite me trying to tell him to stop , he dropped on me this weekend he wants to separate and we can’t work it out , he doesn’t love me , he won’t do any counselling or work on it , he said he needs his head space and to live his next few years without arguing and enjoys being left alone , he wants go be happy he wants me to be happy but thinks being apart we both will be happier and ultimately our daughter will be as she will enjoy separate time with us and won’t hear / see her parents arguing . On to me .. we don’t get close , intimate or kiss cuddle in front of her or on our own if we do I instigate it and it’s not great , he never compliments me and rarely looks at me , I have felt very lonely for a few years but overlook it for our child . He works away 3 nights so it is easier for space but that’s not brought us closer . I really don’t know how to cope with my wellbeing I’m so distraught and anxious , I’ve been sick have palpitations and couldn’t go to work today and can’t stop crying , it’s the wondering how or what am I going to say to my child ? SHE doesn’t have siblings she only had us, she doesn’t cope well with change and is very routine to the point she can’t part with toys or anything . I’m so anxious what can I tell her it’s 6 weeks before Xmas , this will rock her world , he said he will be kind and loves her more than anything but how do we have living arrangements? I need to live here I work from home. So many questions, I can’t see the light at the end at the moment, any advice greatly welcome or someone similar who’s children been through it and are now ok ? I want her to be happy and well that’s all I want . I’m obsessed with my child . I’m devastated for her

What do you mean obsessed with your child?

This is a very difficult and upsetting time. But you will get through it. How your daughter gets through it will be heavily influenced by how you and he handle this.

Maybe let the dust settle and get your head round it and then start making plans. Wether you stay in the house or nor will depend on lots of factors and is better answered by a professional.

Please don't bury your head in the sand and pretend this isnt happening. You need to understand your legal position, if he is to go ahead with the separation and, then divorce.

A marriage can’t continue if one person wants out, so you need to look at the practicalities.

I need to live here I work from home.

What do you mean by this? Are you saying that you have to remain in the family home because you work from home? I’m not sure that is a valid reason.

Maybe you are SO involved with your child that there is no room for hubby ( Re:I’m obsessed with my child)

Scenario 2 re: he works away from home .. could be he has met someone else hence there is NO chance of working things out?

You both sound miserable and the marriage is clearly over. Your daughter can’t be happy living with your constant arguments, that’s incredibly unhealthy and giving her an awful model for adult relationships so at least that will stop and you’ll hopefully both be better parents to her living apart.

You need to see a solicitor and take them as much information as possible. You might need to sell and move house. That’s normal when a couple divorce and your DD will adjust. You and your ex both need to have suitable accommodation.

You’ll tell her that your getting a divorce, you both love her very much and things will change and then you’ll all settle into a new normal and you’ll be better parents to her living apart. Children aren’t messed up by their parents splitting up as much as they are by having to live in a war zone or seeing their parents behave badly in a divorce.

You’ll all be okay. Things sound pretty awful as they are so they need to change.

I’m so sorry to of sounded odd i meant I love my child so much and try to shield her from upsets so I guess because I don’t go out and just do mummy things for her it sounds obsessive, it’s just love like everyone else feels for their kids I’ve just put her first in everything , I just few so sorry for her I know she will be so devastated but I must find my strength for her. I can’t change his feelings I feel so worried about him too I love him so much too , but we have pushed each other away , he would never accept help or talk .

He assured me there is no one else he couldn’t be more clear on that I know he hasn’t as we have been a couple for 20 years , he said he needs to find himself again without me in his life, he wants a single life with no arguments or routine.

I know we will have to sell as it’s half his entitlement and he will want a lovely home from home for her.

I feel so anxious and sad , it’s my fault I should of tried harder.

If anyone should have tried harder here it is he and not you. I think he pushed you away actually by his actions and wants the life of a single man.

What AnneLovesGilbert wrote. What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here from you two?.
This is not the relationship model your daughter should be seeing at all and you cannot shield her fully from all this either whilst you are all under the same roof. Put yourself as well as your child first now. He is not your friend here.

You have my most heartfelt sympathy OP. My husband and I split up over the weekend too and I'm also feeling very sick and anxious, although I have come to work to try and keep some 'normal'. It's heartbreaking and you just don't know what to do for the best especially when children are involved. I'm trying one day at a time for now and trying to stay strong. Big hugs to you

Hon if it’s over it’s over
Sadly No one can be forced to not end a relationship

This will not damage your child
If you can ensure it’s amicable , calm and well managed
And isn’t life too short to stay with someone that doesn’t love you ? It must feel shit no ?

In the short term
Get a book in family law and educate yourself on the process , I recommend the Marilyn Stowe one
Get yourself acess to some one you
Can talk to about the anxiety
Start looking at finances , clearly you are resident parent so get ready to look at either moving or staying but being poorer x

The phrasing of being obsessed with her stand out...it would suggest that you live through her & for her and the marriage has fallen by the wayside. It’s not normal to never go out & only do “mum” things. Is your identity solely as a mother? What else do you do for hobbies & socialising?

If you work from home you can work from any home

If you’re that obsessed with your kid you would know that growing up in a fractious environment with two unhappy parents is far more emotionally damaging than having 2 happy homes, or at least 1 of them be happy.

From everything you describe this relationship has been dying a slow death & is now over. I know change can be terrifying but I assure you, this can & will lead to new opportunities for you

Actually, if you're both arguing all the time, your DD might actually be relieved that it stops.

Stop obsessing about this, and work out how to help her process this logically. If you're upset, she'll be upset, so I think you need to address your reactions to all this first.

Your DH is being quite clear that he's done and wants the relationship to end. Yes, I can imagine it's a scary thought but it is all do-able and you will be fine. Just try and be civil with each other.

You seem to be focused on how changes may affect your DD

You don't seem particularly interested in making any changes, to try to make a better relationship with your DH

What do you currently do with your DH together ?

Thank you so much for all the advice I appreciate it very much

Fairycake2

I’m so sorry for you to hear your news , I will try the take each day at a day , little steps so less painful for all , I’m still in shock so not quite ready to look into legal rights just yet , thank you again. Fairycake2 Hope you & your family come through this happy too x

I’m sorry but the marriage is over. From the sounds of it, that’s for the best for all of you. The fighting couldn’t go on.

The next thing is to manage the separation better than the marriage. This is what will be important for your daughter. She needs to see that her parents don’t and won’t always be in battle with each other. Set the right tone for the future.

I'm sorry to be harsh but I strongly suspect he has an OW.
Men do not leave the family home over a few arguments.
If he says it's him not you, he needs space, he thinks he's having a breakdown etc what he's actually doing is trying to cope with the lies and guilt of his affair.

My DD was a similar age when their father left. She had always been so very close to him from the day she was born as had numerous health problems and he was actually brilliant with her particularly when she was ill.
I want you to know that she survived well and is a very grounded adult now. My advise would be to let her experience her pain, it's personal to her and is hers alone. By all means support her through it of course, just don't attempt to minimise her great loss. Time will help heal and hopefully her father will stay very much in her life and she'll realise she can continue a relationship with him just as much as with you