Scared of a relationship after abusive one

[Shelby42]

My ex and I parted 2 years ago and he was abusive at the time, very controlled, OCD traits and a huge amount of anger which spilt over onto me. We have maintained a reasonably ok friendship in limited contact but he has recently got into a bad situation and again been abusive at me. This time I stood up to him and we won't be in contact for a while. I was thinking that I'm now almost terrified of a new man doing the same again to me and I don't want to feel like that. I am wondering about how people got through these things/maybe found love. I have some male friends and know they wouldn't do that but my ex has knocked my confidence in men a lot. I see a FWB regularly and it's taken a long while to trust him, but I'm very nervous of others turning into a monster.

First things first stop being friends with your abusive ex

You need to go No Contact. Please make contact with Women's Aid and find out about the Freedom Programme. Also speak to your GP. You are extremely vulnerable and probably need support in re-defining boundaries.

Hi OP, I was in a emotionally ausive long term relationship, 2 kids, together for ever (since I was 17). I left him almost three years ago. I felt a massive need for physical touch as he withheld that unless he wanted sex. My friend hooked me up with a mutual friend, started as FWB. He was perfect because no-one knew, he was happy to keep things quiet and we started to get feelings for each other. We ended it, I had 6 months of tinder and meeting a few different people, had a lot of fun. I think looking back I literally fucked the pain away and built myself up again. I was a bit crazy during that period, but it worked for me.

Anyway, long story short, after 6 months me and ex FWB started hooking up again and we are now practically living together and very happy. Its worked quite well as we have slowly learned to get to know each other (its been almost 2 years in total now). It helps that he is a bit of a scared committment phobe too, so neither of us pushed anything, just let ourselves evolve naturally and normally at our own pace. He hasn't put pressure on me or vice versa. So it is possible. I would suggest like pp said, you have a look at the freedom program or similar to make sure you put boundaries in place to protect yourself.

Thanks all, @pudding21, a really hopeful post. I was definitely happier after we split but took a while but can't shake the feeling that every man could be an abuser. It was such hell to get this one out and even now hellish times.

I know exactly what you mean and that is why I was quite closed off at first in terms of feelings. My current partner is very laid back and he has been brilliant, at times it hasnt been easy though to try move things forward (although he is easy, its my shit). I have a lot of insecutities which I manage to keep at bay most of the time (except when I am hormonal) and he is very patient during my wobbles.

Its actually helped him in many ways too as I have not expected too much from him and vice versa, we still very much have our own lives etc. I think its really important you life if full independently of a man first, and then find someone who adds to your life not take away. Its really brave to want to put yourself out there and I do think sometimes reading mumsnet doesn't help with all the shit relationships. But I made a voe to myself if I ever got into a relationship again, I would put my needs first and I am managing that most of the time. Look out for yourself and your own well being and you will spot a red flag a mile off.