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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help.. don't know what to do

21 replies

Brig93 · 11/11/2019 07:42

I'm being abused, I don't know what to do.. I have a 9 months old son and currently 36 weeks pregnant... As if it's not hard enough without the abuse. It's getting worse and worse.. today morning again another shouting and swearing.. he throws everything out of my bag looking for my keys, kicking everything on the way out of the room, shouting swearing at me, putting his fist in my face as he want to hit me with massive crazy eyes looking at me.. I just throw the keys to him hoping he leaves me alone.. and that wasn't enough my son woke up crying I went to get him but he was about to lock us in the house so I put my son down he started to cry run to the door open it and he started again shouting that it's my fault he will be late to work, getting into the house swearing, shouting then I told him to get out when he attacks me by holding my neck at the back pushing me to the other room then lock his arms around my neck and making his grip stronger. I somehow managed to get out and I hit him back which did not work much as he is punching my right arm and I pushed him off to the corridor shouting at him to get out throw at him some of my son's toys when my son is coming out of the room crying he make a way to him like he wanna kick him!!! That time I lost it and I started to shout even more and louder for him to get out and to fuck off.. I have no money, he knows that and making comments like i feed you and your son...he is our son, but when he is like this, he takes the milk away as he said he pays for it.. turn off the lights saying he pays for everything and I'm just a user.. that all his money is spent on the rent and bills and everything we want(my son and me) and nothing is left for him.. when my son needs new clothes and stuff and luckily some friends gave us some clothes for him otherwise he won't have anything to wear by now..I just found out that either he got a girl or drugs or both. he supposed to go and see his children from previous relationship last Saturday and I had a feeling he is not there.. I was right I called the ex partner Sunday as I couldn't get hold of him as I had contractions and being scared (only 36 weeks).. in the end I had message saying why I'm bombarding him, I should go to fucking hospital.. all my money in my wallet was 13 pounds which I tried to safe.. I spend it for taxi going to hospital as even my cousin and her husband couldn't come to pick me up- being at work and looking after their kids.. he acted like he didn't do anything wrong that he lied, he said I lied to him before so what's my problem..he won't say but I know it's a girl, he said it's drugs and his friends is giving it to him for free but he made comments like it's non of my business because it's his money.. he want huggs and kisses like nothing happened and when I say no he says I cannot have a simple kiss but you can give it to someone else for free...then again try to talk nicely and calmly then again shouting.. this is how it goes around.. I was in the hospital around 2 hours which was afternoon already I haven't eaten anything the whole day of the stress..I was released from the hospital.. then asking me where I wanna go to eat. I said anywhere which was not a good answer for him again..anothe shouting.then calm down and saying there is Costa near by Asda, as we have almost no food at home water nothing.. buy me sandwich and hit chocolate then again start arguments for nothing and telling I just feed you you cunt you should be greatful.. in the end no food shopping just went home telling me hope I die .. today-monday it's just went all down the hill.. he was mumbling something about being bold.. I was like " you wanna be bold?" And he shouted at me I'm fucking singing.. I asked the question nicely with manners and he just shout at me being horrible.. then I walked away and he started to say I ruined his day again asking stupid questions.. having stupid attitude.. me being stupid cunt.. and go on.. I went to the room to lay down next to my son and I just wanted to ignore this completely crying myself out again.. I just called my mum to send me some money.. they don't have much either.. my grandmother is running to the post office back in my country of origin to some DME some money again..last month they have sent 150 euros.. now again 100 euros.. and all that money last month been used for groceries and traveling to the hospital as I don't have enough money..I'm thinking to call my health visitor.. can she help me? Or she won't be able to do anything? Please give me advice here.. I'm completely a mess and non stop crying...

OP posts:
Designerenvy · 11/11/2019 07:49

Yes, get onto your health visitor. She will get you a mother and child refuge . You cant stay here.
Get out now, it's not safe to stay .

maternity123qwe · 11/11/2019 07:52

Please speak to your health visitor lovely, you can’t go on like this especially with a new one on the way as well.

Witchofthenorth · 11/11/2019 07:52

Call your health visitor and call the police. You need out of there, it's not safe! They will help. You can do this, you are strong but you need to make that call

BillHadersNewWife · 11/11/2019 07:54

www.womensaid.org.uk/

Go here...they will help you. Phone the number. They will tell you exactly what to do....you can tell them everything...they will help you find accommodation and money.

Which country are you from originally?

BillHadersNewWife · 11/11/2019 07:55

Tell the Health Visitor too but contacting Women's Aid is first...they will offer immediate support.

PurpleDaisies · 11/11/2019 07:55

Women’s aid can help-they do this every day. Your health visitor will also be able to help. So will the police.

It doesn’t matter who, but reach out to someone.

Ohnotheinlaws · 11/11/2019 07:56

That is awful. Yes contact them ASAP and please update regarding your safety x

Brig93 · 11/11/2019 09:23

I'm packing our stuff and waiting for my family to send me some money. Once I have the money I call my HV. I do not want to leave this house but I don't have any earnings. Even the child benefits it's on his name.. he kicked me out plenty times saying he paying for everything.. can I make him not to enter this place? We rent and it's under both of us names.

OP posts:
Ozziewozzie · 11/11/2019 09:35

Call women’s aid now. Don’t wait for anything. Get help, get out, get safe. There is so much support out there, believe me, I called Women’s Aid and they were a godsend. I had three young children. I have never looked back. You will never forgive yourself if something happened to your son or baby. The man is diabolical. He needs arresting and imprisoning. It’s the only way to keep women and children safe.
Women’s Aid right now.

billandbenflowerpotmen1 · 11/11/2019 09:54

lock his arms around my neck and making his grip stronger.
This alone would entitle you to call the police if you don't want to leave your home.
However if there is any doubt you would carry through with a statement, do as others have advised and get out of the house now, call WA

Ruderidinghood · 11/11/2019 09:59

He is going to kill you eventually if you dont leave..your son should not be around this at all. Call police and womens aid. You need to leave immediately

Heartburn888 · 11/11/2019 10:55

I’m so sorry this is happening to you Flowers yes ring your health visitor and try and get out. I don’t really have much advice to give but please don’t stay he is abusing you and your son.

Stay safe Flowers

Brig93 · 11/11/2019 13:58

I talk to my health visitor. She said talk to the local shelter and if anything would come up call the police. He doesn't care about the children only about himself what I clearly see from his messages. I told him not to come home,he clearly won't. Probably another girlfriend. I don't care. I will lock him out and if he tries to enter I call the police. I have all the messages from him threatening me I want war etc. All I care about is my children. They are my priorities. His priority its himself.

OP posts:
Brig93 · 11/11/2019 14:00

This is typical abuser who lost control and all he can do being nasty now and being the victim again. Gosh what kind of person I have been with for 7 years?

OP posts:
BlastEndedSkrewt · 11/11/2019 14:09

why would you have another child with this man OP?

you really need to leave, it's unfair on your child & future child - they will grow up thinking this is normal

12345kbm · 11/11/2019 14:21

Hi sweetie, you've been so brave reaching out for help. You need to do everything you can to look after yourself and your baby.

You can find local domestic abuse organisations here:
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

The number for Women's Aid is here 0808 2000 247. It is a 24 hour service but they are sometimes difficult to get in contact with so you can use the search above to find your local organisation and follow whatever advice they give you.

Please lock the door and do not let this man back in. Call the police, 999 if he threatens you or tries to force his way back in.

A domestic abuse organisation can help you with stuff for the baby until you get your benefits sorted. Please contact them now.

He's very dangerous and you need to do everything you can to keep him away from you. Don't answer the phone to him but keep any messages he sends you as evidence to the police.

Brig93 · 11/11/2019 14:49

I called the local shelter but they are too busy on high calls volume. I left my name and contact number for them to call me back.
@BlastEndedSkrewt I do not want any more children with this man to assure you.. all I wanted to have a single child and have a happy family.. the second baby can e as a surprise really early as my DS1 was born 22nd of January this year and the second baby is due 08 December this year.. this wasn't planned at all.. and as my health is right now my baby won't be born in December but earlier as I will be induced...
Ahhh I'm off topic again.. anyway..I do regret having children from this man but I do not regret my children. They are blessing, which I love and appreciate having them every day. Every time I look at my son I just see pure love and cannot believe after so many hardships in life I have him, someone so innocent and so pure loving. Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me

OP posts:
Gazelda · 11/11/2019 15:05

I know you've spoken to your HV, but have you also made contact with your midwife? She/he should know the incredible stress you are currently under, and might be able to speak with the Shelter to get things moving quicker.

Brig93 · 11/11/2019 17:18

Hi everyone, I did spoke to the shelter they gave me a call. We went through our options I have all the information I need also all the contact numbers and now I know how does it feel when I'm supported. Thank you so much to everyone who message here and gave me advice. It's damn hard to make that phone call.
Actually all of you here in Mumsnet gave the courage to do that. I'm reading daily here on MN About situations like mine and finally I did call 😊 thank you everyone

OP posts:
Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 11/11/2019 22:08

Your HV advised you to contact shelter after being suffering DV... Hmm. They are useless and that’s appalling.

As you have said your DC are your priority, please contact your midwife, the police and WA. They will help you get an occupation order for your home ( meaning he won’t be allowed back) and he’ll be arrested after assaulting you. Please tell as many professionals as you can, in order to keep a paper trail of his abuse.

Flowers for you

BillHadersNewWife · 13/11/2019 21:16

La I'm not surprised. A Health Visitor is in no way qualified to deal with this. They probably do a day's course on recognising the signs of abuse and get given some leaflets to hand out.

As I said, Women's Aid should always be the first port of call...and the police of course. If you call the police OP, then they would arrest him but they'd release him soon after I expect.

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