My marriage has ended and I haven't told anyone.

[marshallgreen]

Still living with DH and our 2 children due to necessity for the next 6 months but we have a calender for when who looks after the kids etc. We have slept in seperate rooms on and off for over a year now.

I am really struggling. DH continues trying to make light hearted conversation with me without discusisng any of the serious stuff that needs addressing, everyone thinks we're all getting on as normal. My Mum knows the truth, but nobody else. His parents are clueless.

I'm embarrassed to tell friends (not that I have too many to tell since I've had a second child and been so busy with my business and taking care of their allergies.) I don't have much of a life outside home and work.
DH seems quite content as life continues in a relatively normal way for the next 6 months or so.
I have been out with a few friends this weekend with their husbands and just said that DH had to take care of the kids as we had no childcare. I had more meaningful conversations with my friends husbands than I do with DH and watching them hold hands with each other and smile and chat to me about future plans was very hard to hear as I crave everything they have right now.
It showed me that the love between DH and I really has gone. I'm embarrassed that we still live under the same roof and concerned that people won't come to the house over Christmas because they will feel awkward in the company of both myself and DH.

Is it time to tell people?

Yes you should tell people - you can do it slowly as you feel able. People will think there’s something not right anyway and you might well feel relieved when its out in open. It must be a weight hanging over you. Whats your plans - will he move out in 6 months?

The plan is that he will move out in 6 months and live with his parents until we are no longer paying out for full time childcare. The house will then be sold and assets divided.

The problem is that DH seems quite content with the set-up we have currently where we all reside lovelessly under the same roof. I am finding the situation extremely hurtful and difficult as he is so accepting of it. He keeps trying to make conversation with me about absolute rubbish that I've no interest in in the mean time.

It think part of me hopes that by some miracle, we will sort things out and stay together which puts me off telling people.

And to add: his parents aren't even aware yet, so he's assuming they'll have him!

Just saying that I have similar. Living with DP and unfortunately it’s his house and I am SAHM and can’t move. It’s just rubbish isn’t it.

Why is he so happy with this set up? Who does more of the child care / cooking / cleaning ? If it’s you then of course he will be happy because it’s a good deal for him.

Discomfort is the best precursor for change

@Warmfirechocolate that sounds rotten. Can you get a small job to atleast give you a little of your own income and independence?

I do the most childcare and cooking and basic cleaning (I pay a cleaner for anything else). I feel like a part of the furniture as opposed to a human being, someone to do the jobs and yet I suspect he still feels resentful that I earn less than pre-kids. He doesn't value love, passion and human connection I've learned in recent years. I feel completely fooled by him. I'm also nervous about telling others as he is considered such a lovely, friendly man. His parents think he's wonderful and say he has never caused them any trouble, so everyone will think I'm the problem.

I am in the same position although my husband has recently left. It took me a long time to tell people and I still haven’t told colleagues and other people. It’s hard and I don’t like the sympathy and questioning either. I found it easier to text people and say he’d left and I am ok but don’t want to talk at length about it now

He's just trying to keep things on an even keel for everyone's sake especially the DC. You don't want to be bickering and arguing, and causing an unpleasant atmosphere, do you?

@Jane1978xx I completely understand. Had you been experiencing troubles beforehand and did people know? I think it's harder when people don't have a clue that there are problems in the marriage before separation.
@Singlenotsingle yes we do not need to be arguing around the dcs for sure 100% on board. It's the weird pretence when they are in bed and things need discussing that I'm finding difficult.