Telling the children about new relationship

[awej]

I think my situation might be rather unique but I’ll give it a go in the off chance someone has been through the same! Il also try to be brief.
So, my husband and I split up in February- he had been working away for best part of 2 years so the idea was that once we realised it wasn’t working out it wouldn’t have too much of an impact on our children if we acted quickly (they are 8 and 11). We explained to them that he would now live at work and when we see him he will be more present and engaged. He hasn’t been for some time.
However he left and we have seen increasingly less of him. Turns out he has gone back to his ex wife. They have two kids now adults who are delighted and she has two more who are the same ages as mine. How on earth do they cope with the rejection that their dad doesn’t want to be around them but is spending all his spare time 100 miles away with someone else’s children?
I’m trying to be positive about their dad, they don’t know yet, but feel like I’m lying. He had an affair about 7 years ago and I’ve since found out about others rightbfrom the beginning of our marriage. He also had affairs during his first marriage so is generally not the role model I want for my children but I have to keep him in their lives. Any advice? Anyone had anything similar?
I should add I met him some years after his first divorce. I’m not the reason for their split.

I'm so sorry for your situation.
I got nothing but wanted to bump this for you

Take care

Thanks. I have read others posts on here with loads of response so thought it would be helpful but not sure I’ve posted correctly as a distinct lack of comments!

Are you saying you want to tell them he had an affair?

If so, then no I don't think that's the right thing to do at this age.

No. Not at all. My title is misleading. He needs to tell them that he is back with his ex wife and I’m bit sure if the best way of handling it and reassuring them afterwards.

I don’t now how to change the title!

Wow, you and your kids have an awful journey ahead I think. He’s a complete prick! Always was and always will be. Yes he’ll ftfo and probably leave you and the kids in the cold. I’m so sorry. You’re going to have to dry a lot of tears in afraid.

The “truth” about the affair(s) isn’t helpful to the kids. They don’t need to know any of this stuff.

What they’re about to experience will be way worse, and there’s nothing you can do about it except be there for them. I’m all for age appropriate truth, but not in this case. I’d tell them that marriages don’t always work out for both partners and the most important thing is to take what you all have together and stick together. Other people will make their own choices and decisions, but they don’t “prove” anything about you or the kids.

It’s ok not to have all the answers, your kids are old enough to understand that, but make the one message you do have for them is that you love and adore them and are super proud of them for being so kind and caring of themselves and each other.

My own ds dad is a complete prick, I know he’s alive because I see his WhatsApp last active time every so often. My ds knows he’s a crap dad and expects (and wants) nothing particular from him. He knows it’s not about him. It’s about his dad being his dad.

You can’t make him do anything. That’s all on him.

They may be more accepting of this than you think, especially if they have a good relationship with his older children and know her. Suggest you just wait for him to tell them. Chances are it’s still too new.

I'm going to echo other posters. No matter if you frame it as "telling the truth" or "badmouthing", speaking to children negatively about either of their parents is damaging and unwelcome. Childline gathered comments from children who's parents had separated and one of the main messages was that children do not want or need to know whose "fault" the separation was.

Let him do the explaining. If he refuses, keep to the facts that it's not good for anyone to have a mum and dad who argue living in the same house and you both decided that you would split up. Its up to him to explain his current living situation.

I'm so sorry for what you and your children are going through.

How on earth do they cope with the rejection that their dad doesn’t want to be around them but is spending all his spare time 100 miles away with someone else’s children?*

The ex being his new partner is a red herring. The situation would be the same if he had a completely new partner who had children. Thousands of children deal with that situation. If I’m honest, I suspect returning to his ex is your issue, maybe you should keep it that way and set it aside as far as your children are concerned.

Keep an eye on them. Any signs that they are not coping access support for them via school, gp or local community projects. I know in Scotland Relationships Scotland offer affordable child counselling specifically dealing with parental separation. There may be something similar in your area.

Again, my title doesn’t help. I totally agree that they don’t need to know about previous indiscretions and I would never bad mouth him. Maybe the ex is my issue but I’m pretty sure it will be theirs. They’ve met her a handful of times but the relationship with his older two is pretty much non existent. We haven’t seen them for years. I’m not sure whether that should be pushed now. It’s how I support them when I’m hurting so much that is going to be hard. We weren’t arguing or anything so the atmosphere at home wasn’t awful, just disconnected and he wouldn’t consider relate or anything to move it forward. Which means my children were shocked but coped. I just feel that this next step will set them back. Youngest is set up for counselling support but not the older. I’ll look into what’s around. Thanks!

The younger one bothers me as he rarely talks about his feelings

Just love them, tell them you love them and make sure they know you’re there to hear them if they need you.

If he keeps up his current record, what makes you think he will stay with his ex for any length of time before he's off shagging someone else?

How engaged was he with his oldest two children? If you don't really know them and have no relationship with them, then I'd gear yourself up for him discarding your children like he did the older two, and not really seeing them at all.

Okay - I see. Yes, agree he needs to be upfront and tell them about his new relationship/situation. That's not your job - that's his. He needs to be a man and step up to that, but it depends on whether you feel they are ready?

I know it's going to be hard for you which won't help how you see things or how you feel he should be behaving but step back a moment and consider what you think is best for your kids - do you think it would be better to get it over and done with now or do you think it's too soon?

I would get this moved to the Relationships board OP? You’ll have more responses I’m sure

Well it depends if they need to know. Is he envisioning having them at the ex’s EOW? Does he want to build a relationship between them and the other kids? Is he planning to just fuck off slowly?

You need the answers to these questions before making decisions.

You need a proper contact routine in place (I’ve failed to get one but without your
Complications!) then make a decision?

How do I do that @loobyloo1234?

Click the 'report' button and ask for it to be moved to Relationships.

You could also ask for a title change? Or maybe repost in Relationships with the title you want.

I'm so sorry this shit is wrecking lives left and right

Thought I might give an update. He’s told them, a few tears and general low days but so far back on an even keel. Thanks for the advice.

If you haven’t already done so, inform school of the changes at home so they can keep an eye on them or notice any behaviour out of character

I have, thank you. They knew before kids did!