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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Think my marriage is over and I'm devastated

50 replies

Fairycake2 · 10/11/2019 18:52

My husband and I have been together 8 years, married almost 5. We have a daughter each, both the same age from previous relationships. My husband has been really down recently and finally told me it was me and my daughter causing the problem. He said he still loves me but doesnt think he's 'in love' with me any more. He wants to try though which I'm taking as a good sign and I think we can work through that bit. However, he's also told me he finds my daughter really annoying and he cant bare to be near her. He said he's felt this way for some time but has just kept quiet about it. Again he said he's willing try and resolve things but I don't even know where to start. My daughter can be annoying (can't they all) but she's generally a good kid. She's just very different to my husbands daughter and I don't think this helps. I guess I hadn't noticed but we have been spending less and less time together as a family so I've suggested we start small and just do a few hours at a time. Do you think we can save this and if so how? Or am I basically going to be getting divorce number 2. Any advice would be most appreciated

OP posts:

Elieza · 10/11/2019 20:35

Unless your daughters behaviour is bang out of order then it’s time to split up. If on the other hand she is a total brat then take her in hand and sort it out.

NewMinouMinou · 10/11/2019 22:28

My mother didn’t put me first and like Mad Cat Lady, I’m utterly estranged from her.

HowDoYouLikeThoseSuedeApples · 10/11/2019 22:36

Have you been looking after his daughter while he’s been less involved in family time ?

GleamInYourEyes · 10/11/2019 22:47

He's been in your DD's life since she was a baby and he has suddenly decided he's not in love with you and she is too annoying?

I'd also wonder if that is just an excuse.

Heartburn888 · 10/11/2019 23:04

That’s pretty nasty of him to say op.

She’s a child and yes some children are annoying at times but they are innocent and she obviously isn’t intending on annoying your dh. Please don’t try and change her to be like your dh daughter, let her be herself but sadly, yes I do think divorce number 2 is on the cards unless he can grow up.

Do they spend any quality time together just them 2?

Original poster

Fairycake2 · 11/11/2019 08:28

Thanks for all the replies and support. He's moving out this week. I feel totally heartbroken but I know it's for the best. My daughter has to come first, always

OP posts:

bangheadhere40 · 11/11/2019 08:34

Hello, well done. I am feeling pretty awful about my break up, despite it being for the best. How did he take it?

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 11/11/2019 08:36

Gosh this is so incredibly sad OP I'm sorry

I wonder if he is using your daughter as an excuse to end things? If so it's very selfish and immature of him. You've been together most of your DDs life so he should have built up some paternal bond with her? If she had been older I would have asked if there is a chance she is being manipulative on purpose to break you two up but can't see a 9 year old being like that

funnylittlefloozie · 11/11/2019 08:38

Im so sorry, Fairycake, but you know you are doing the right thing by your daughter. He is either a very messed-up man, or a liar... either way, he isnt the right man for you.

prawnsword · 11/11/2019 08:49

“I love you but not in love with you”

Classic break up line

If this was about your daughter’s behaviour surely after being together her whole life you could tackle her behavioural issues together as a family? Or has he been trying to tell you her behaviour has been problematic for some time & you haven’t been hearing him? That’s the only way I can see her behaviour as reason to have fallen out of love with you.

Otherwise it’s an excuse !

PurrBox · 11/11/2019 08:51

I bet there is an OW.

goldpendant · 11/11/2019 09:11

Be strong OP. I grew up in a house where my dads partner despised me. It's affected everything. I love my dad dearly (they split up many years ago) but I can't trust him. He prioritised her mood swings over me.

Janicejaniceahmfallin · 11/11/2019 09:23

I'm so sorry, Fairycake, that's heartbreaking for you and the children. But, as you say, it's for the long term wellbeing of your daughter, which is the most important thing.

I agree with other posters that his 'reasoning' sounds weak and irrational at best and deeply dodgy at worst - either way, he's a dick, and you deserve better.

I'm always amazed at how wise and kind this old nest of vipers can be when you need a virtual hug, and reading about other people's experiences can really help give you direction and perspective in your own life, especially when things feel really tough. I'm sure you'll find lots of support here when you need it.

MashedSpud · 11/11/2019 09:31

It’ll be a nice slice of karma if his dd hates the ow.

Stay strong op, you did what’s best not only for your dd but yourself. Who wants to be with someone who uses that cheesy in love but not in love with you line? It’s cowardly and an excuse.

Ruderidinghood · 11/11/2019 10:14

I'm going to be really honest here, and this is going to be a bit controversial but sometimes people find their partners kids annoying. By your own admission she is annoying at times so what he is saying is probably understandable. That said, he should have patience and understanding as she is a kid.

I do not think you should walk out because of this as maybe you guys can work on it as a family. Your post doesn't state whether he has said or done things that may affect your daughter and her well being, self worth or confidence. Other people aren't obligated to love our children, but they do have a duty to respect them and treat them mindfully and with care.

That said, the above coupled with the fact he doesn't sound like he is really into you any more kind of means you should have some space from one another and go from there.

Considermesometimes · 11/11/2019 10:25

I am sorry op, I know it must be really hard, but it really is for the best.

My own father despised my brother and I as children (and doesn't think much of us as adults) he doesn't do children apparently. This will cause your dd untold damage and harm to her confidence, her future and to her trust in other people. Stay strong for her.

I second also what French is saying, he is using your child as an excuse because he has met someone else and wants to end it. The give away is the not in love with you anymore line. How utterly despicable to use the child he has raised from babyhood as an excuse....really you have had a lucky escape op. Get him out, and enjoy your life with dds

Original poster

Fairycake2 · 11/11/2019 13:27

@Ruderidinghood my friends have said similar things to you. He's never done anything to be mean to my daughter but he has no bond with her and will often ignore her which I know isn't good. I think there are issues from his past but he needs to face up to them

OP posts:

prawnsword · 11/11/2019 13:32

Has he ever bonded with her? Does she get along with her stepsister ? It sounds like he tolerated her just to keep being with you. Now there is likely someone else on the scene so he is unloading onto your daughter & now making it that her behaviour is the reason he doesn’t love you anymore. What a prick! Watch out for a new chick on the scene very shortly after he moves out

ShadowOnTheSun · 11/11/2019 14:15

My best friend grew up with a stepfather, who absolutely adored his mother, worshipped her and kissed the ground she walked on. AND at the same time hated him (my friend) for merely existing. Everything he did was always wrong.

Stepfather was a pretty much traditional alpha/macho male and wanted the same from the boy. Stereotypical 'boyish' behaviour: good at sports, good at maths/science, loud, picking up fights, etc. My friend was a small boy, blonde, quiet, curly angelic hair, liked to draw/read books, liked to keep himself to himself, crap at maths and sports. Total opposite. He got bullied by step throughout all his childhood. He never physically hurt him, but bullied him mercilessly. His mother never put him first as the stepdad treated her like a living goddess.

Stepdad is long dead now, mother too. My friend is 46. And still bitter/hurt about it. He sometimes gets drunk and literally cries remembering all that. He's a big 'manly' man now and to watch such man cry about the little lonely neglected boy he was is heartbreaking.

Kick your partner out, OP, it's absolutely not worth it.

Ruderidinghood · 11/11/2019 16:39

OP I feel for you I truly do. I think ignoring her is not a very nice thing to do and it will have knock on effects and is probably perpetuating the behaviours you both find annoying. It is rude and bad manners as well.

Good luck OP. In time you will feel like a weight has been lifted and you will probably find your daughter is much happier.

Cator · 11/11/2019 16:44

Well done for kicking him out OP! He sounds like an absolute donkey. Lives with your daughter for most of her little life and suddenly decides he doesn't like her? Either total bollocks he's using to fabricate an excuse or he genuinely is just a piece of shit.

Either way, you've done your daughter a massive service by ending it. No child deserves to play second fiddle to a step-parent that makes them feel unwelcome in their own home.

Feckers2018 · 11/11/2019 20:42

I wouldn’t believe a word he says. He is being manipulative and has probably been cheating/OW. This is his way out by blaming a child which is beyond disgusting and he knows it. He didn’t want to be blamed so this is a nasty little game. Now you can see his true colours. You should be glad he’s gone. Do not do any pick me dance and avoid any contact with him on a personal level. Do not let your child know ever.

Lordamighty · 11/11/2019 20:59

Whatever happens don’t let this overgrown man child blame a 9 year old child for the failure of this relationship. That really would be a dreadful thing to do.

Ruderidinghood · 11/11/2019 21:08

Also OP I wouldn't worry about whether he has met someone else or not. If you find out he has then cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now just deal with the facts you have in front of you. Good luck x

Fairylea · 11/11/2019 21:13

I don’t think it matters in the long term but my ex dh said the same thing to me and it turned out he was going back to an old girlfriend he’d had before me that he’d found on Facebook! He had brought dd up as his own since she was 11 months old until she was 6 and he suddenly turned round and said it was “like living with a nice family but it wasn’t his family” I mean WTF?!

2 weeks later he upped and left never to be seen again and I then found out he’d gone back to an ex!

Arseholes.

I’m fine about it now, it’s been 12 years since he left and I’m now happily remarried. Felt awful at the time though.

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