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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Daughters disdain for me

51 replies

WoodenHouse · 10/11/2019 17:50

As not to drip feed: husband left me when my little girl was just 3. He disappeared and then reappeared with a GF . He eventually got married to yet another GF, but had her every other weekend - literally just every other weekend, no school visits - nothing. I feel like I brought her up and made her into a lovely child, but since she has grown up (and living with her boyfriend) her father is the center of her world and she treats me with absolute disdain. The sun shines out of him, and she puts me in the shade. She laughs at me when I cry and tell her Im hurting. She doesnt like my kind sweet husband who has done nothing wrong to her. She thinks I could dress better have my hair different etc etc.

I would like to hear from anyone who is in my daughters position who has the same kind of relationship with her parents and what i could do to make her, well, like me I suppose. I hoover up any sort of crumbs of love I get from her and I feel so sad with it all.

Has anyone got any kind advice for me?

OP posts:
lexiepuppy · 10/11/2019 18:24

How old is your daughter now?
Do you have any other children?
Was she always a daddy's girl?

If she is a teenager, hopefully she will see the light and realise how much you have been a good mother to her.

I think you should start laying down some boundaries.

Laughing at you when you are crying is very sadistic. It is troubling to read that.It is a real lack of empathy on her part , and that smacks of narcissism/psychopath/ sociopath .

Hopefully she is none of those and she might just need a dose of reality.Flowers

Original poster
WoodenHouse · 10/11/2019 18:27

She is 26
She was always a daddies girl
I have one other child

OP posts:
MrsMaiselsMuff · 10/11/2019 18:32

What has happened to make you cry and tell her you're hurting?

It's not unusual for a child to be closer to one parent.

Original poster
WoodenHouse · 10/11/2019 18:34

Her being disinterested in me made me cry. Im ashamed to say that. Everyone loves her, and wont say anything to her about this in case she does it to them I think.

OP posts:
Original poster
WoodenHouse · 10/11/2019 18:35

I think she wishes someone else was her mum. I actually feel this.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/11/2019 18:36

Well he left so obviously she 'needs' to be nice to him otherwise he will reject her again. You didn't so she can take out all her anger on you because you won't reject her. That's what's going on in her subconscious.

But she's 26 so you don't have to agree to be treated poorly and neither does your DH. Stop crying and start having boundaries. She doesn't get to be rude. If she is, you leave or she leaves.

slipperywhensparticus · 10/11/2019 18:37

I know she is your daughter but disengage seriously if she is nasty ask her to leave my daughter was nasty to me at 19 I told her to redirect her mouth or find somewhere else to live...she is more respectful now

Original poster
WoodenHouse · 10/11/2019 18:39

@MrsTerryPratchettmrs that makes so much sense

OP posts:
Original poster
WoodenHouse · 10/11/2019 18:41

What should I do?

OP posts:
FindaPenny · 10/11/2019 18:41

Sorry to hear that op, but she doesn't sound lovely.... Especially if people are scared to confront her over her disrespect to you. Maybe try to put a little distance between you.

It sounds as though she is secure in your love for her, but not her fathers, so maybe she feels she has to put him on a pedestal... and her disappointment in him is shown through her treatment of you.

Original poster
WoodenHouse · 10/11/2019 18:49

@FindaPenny God do you think so? That sounds right though.

Its like she goes outwith him all the time, but only comes to me for a cuppa. We never go out. But she does with him

OP posts:
category12 · 10/11/2019 18:53

Obviously she's not responding to seeing you hurt by her behaviour, so I would start being a bit tougher: don't hang about for crumbs from her or put up with petty criticisms.

GrumpyHoonMain · 10/11/2019 18:57

You need to make it clear you raised her while the dad only took her every other weekend and if she wants to ignore that and big up him while bringing you down, she can do it elsewhere. Kick her out every time she is rude and she’ll either try to stay permanently with her dad (which probably won’t work because I doubt his gf wants her around all the time) or will eventually apologise. Focus your energies on your other child.

Oakmaiden · 10/11/2019 18:58

She laughs at me when I cry and tell her Im hurting.

Obviously this is very unkind of her, but why are you doing this anyway?

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 10/11/2019 19:00

Yes, she does not sound lovely, but that is not her fault (or not completely)

I would not cry, I'd angry and say nobody treats me like that!

As to your kind partner.... Maybe both be a bit less kind. A bit more proud. A bit more detached.

Detach yourself a bit, crying like that can generate irritation, even in people who live you. Not saying you should not cry or feel sad, but weeping about how age treats you, in front of her, makes things worse....

Stay strong, and detach a bit

lexiepuppy · 10/11/2019 19:30

Your daughter is 36 years old and being so nasty to you.
Her relationship is secure with you and she is using you as her punchbag, but you do not have to put up with her abuse and criticisms of your hair etc.
If she she cannot be nice too you , then she can leave.
Stand your ground. She shouldnt project her anger onto you.

Put up some boundaries and give her some tough love.

Original poster
WoodenHouse · 10/11/2019 19:46

Tough love yes
I just want to be shown love like she shows her dad. I think she blames me for not taking him back and making the family whole again

OP posts:
Bythebeach · 10/11/2019 19:48

This sounds horrible for you and it is heart rending that a father can put in so little whilst the mother devoted herself practically and emotionally to bringing up the child. It is disgustingly unfair. But your daughter is an adult. You have been an amazing mother to bear the whole burden of raising her and also enable a good relationship with her dad. For whatever reason, she currently prefers her dad’s company and it won’t do you any favours to beg for her to spend more time with you. Try to distance yourself a bit and make sure you have a busy life of your own, be there but not too available. With luck, she’ll realise one day who committed to her everyday!

AbbieLexie · 10/11/2019 19:49

I can emphasise. Detach detach detach. Flowers

NoFun21 · 10/11/2019 19:53

I think MrsTerryPratchett has it spot on. I would also really try not to cry in front of her as I think this is very difficult - seeing your mother cry- I think it is not helping you in terms of making her feel close to you. She seems to not be able to help herself in upsetting you further when you show vulnerability so try not to show vulnerable . I think you should start being as social as you can and filling up your diary and enjoying being with your kind husband and leave it to her.

lexiepuppy · 10/11/2019 20:11

Sorry I typed 36 instead of 26 years old!
It does sound like she might still be hung up on the family being broken apart.
Have you ever spoken to her about what happened?
But if she continues to be toxic towards you I would definitely start to detach from her until she is kinder.
I will pass on my 4 pieces of relationship advice:-

  1. You cannot force someone to love you.
  2. The only person who can make you truly happy is yourself.
  3. The only persons behaviour you can change is your own.
  4. The only person you can change is yourself.
FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers
Original poster
WoodenHouse · 10/11/2019 20:17

Detaching does seem to be the answer, but its hard. I strived so hard for her to have a good relationship with her dad, but its like they gang up against me. I dont think he is happy in his current partnership and that doesn't help.! He wants me to be reliant on him like when I had to get my money from him every week...

OP posts:
Original poster
WoodenHouse · 10/11/2019 20:18

thank you @lexiepuppy

OP posts:
fudgesmummy · 10/11/2019 20:22

Op you have my full sympathy, I have a very similar relationship with my DD and I know how much it hurts.
She couldn’t care less about me. I had major surgery for cancer 2 weeks ago and she hasn’t bothered to contact me to see how I am.
I have no words of advice I’m afraid but you are not alone

Innishh · 10/11/2019 20:35

This must really really hurt. But I would take myself out of punching distance.

Put in some distance, be busy and focus on joy from your DH, other child and family and friends - don’t be dependent on her for your emotional needs and happiness.

Sometimes some real distance will allow a new appreciation and a more mature adult to adult relationship to emerge in the future. You need to drop the rope as she is playing you right now. She will continue to show you disrespect if you allow her to - show her the real self confident woman that you are.