DH won’t deal with ED.. or anything really

[tequilasunrises]

Feeling really glum this weekend because DH and I haven’t had sex in over a month, we’ve tried a few times and he can’t seem to get it to ‘work’. His sex drive barely seems to exist anymore and it’s rare that we do it regularly anyway.

I really really want to fix this but he’s absolutely buried his head in the sand and says he doesn’t want to talk about it with me or anyone or try anything that might help.

I don’t want to be an arsehole because it’s his body at the end of the day but I’m really devastated that we don’t have a sex life and the moment and even more so that he doesn’t seem bothered by it.

Yesterday I thought maybe it was partly my fault - we are both busy with work and quite stressed and tend to just flop in the evenings so I never look particularly sexy. So I made a bit of an effort last night, did my makeup, wore nice underwear etc but he still couldn’t. That made me feel like shit!

I don’t know what to do now. I feel like I can’t push him anymore to do something he doesn’t want to do. But I’m sad that he doesn’t want to and I’m sad that he’s refusing to engage with me about it when we are meant to be a married couple. I appreciate it’s embarrassing going to the doctors, but I’ve not particularly enjoyed going there with period problems, for smear tests etc, contracpeption etc but I’ve just got on with it!

Has anyone got any advice or has been through anything similar?

Has something happened in the last month or so? Had everything been ok up until then?

ED is often a sign of vascular disease, he needs to go to the doctors about his health first. Maybe it’s psychological but physical causes should be ruled out first. How’s his diet and lifestyle?

How old are you? It's unlikely to be a physical problem unless you're well over 50, most men are potent into their 60s and even older as long as they are moderately fit and used to regular sex. So whilst he should get checked out physically it's more likely that this is a different problem - stress, depression, drug/alcohol issues, porn use, could he be having an affair?

You have a right to sex and if he does not provide it then your relationship will weaken and perhaps may not survive. You need to make this clear to him and if he still refuses to engage you may have some difficult decisions to make.

If a man was acting towards me the way you are to your husband, I'd shut down too. Back off. This is not about you, he doesn't have to suddenly want it just because you've dressed up nicely.

You'll survive for a short while without sex. He'll talk to you in time, but that's not going to happen until you calm down.

You have a right to sex and if he does not provide it then your relationship will weaken and perhaps may not survive.

No one has a right to sex.

That's like something out of the rapist's handbook.

You have a right to sex steady on there. No, she doesn't.

OP I do think if he refuses to talk about sex stuff, and sex is important to you, that individual counseling for you might be in order. You need a game plan and a really good sense of what you want in your relationship. That will make it possible for you to properly communicate with him, it may include an ultimatum unfortunately, but again, talking it through with a professional would probably get you the clarity you need.

Sexual.stuff is so complex. Not sure a thread on here would help as much x

@Namechangeoflife no nothing, everything else is good! Work can be a bit stressy but that’s fairly normal. We get on great in every other respect.

@pudding21 he doesn’t want to go to the doctor. His lifestyle is ok I think - he goes to the gym and we eat quite healthy.

@Anothernick he is only late twenties. It could be stress admittedly but I don’t suspect an affair or addiction at this point.

@MrsMaiselsMuff and @rvby I don’t think I have a right to sex at all. But I do think I have a right to be upset that we don’t really have a sex life anymore. I will try backing off for now but I do think it’s important we talk about it and resolve it eventually.

ED - type 2 diabetes, blood pressure, heart problems, alcohol or drugs, medication for hair loss (Finasteride?) symptoms both benign prostate & cancer of the prostate, depression etc - so before everybody goes off blaming op dh I think I would quietly sit down with him with a cup of tea/coffee & say you are concerned as this can be a sign of an underlying health condition -

oh crikey - gym - he isn't on steroids to plump up his muscles is he?
(& can one of you check his bits to make sure they haven't got any lumps that shouldn't be there)

he is only late twenties. OP, you have a few things to worry about.

In his 20s ED is far from normal, as you probably know.

Physically he could have any one of a number of heath issues, most are treatable.

Mentally - well, he just isn't that into you, has another woman, is gay or is asexual and always has been but had sex with you for as long as he could in orde to keep your relationship going. Or any other variation n that theme.

Either way you don't have to consign yourself to 50+ years of celibacy. He must talk this though with you and you can work towards a solution or he leaves you with little choice other than to leave him!

Best of luck sorting it out.

You can’t expect to dress up nice for one evening and magically fix this.

You can’t take it as an insult if he has a physical inability to get an erection right now.

Your petulant reaction will be fuelling this enormously.

He does drink these shakes - usually a pre workout one and a few protein ones. Not steroids though!

So do people think I should gently make him aware of the possible physical causes and then back straight off or is it worrying enough that I should stay on his case?

I don’t want to make him feel like shite because he’s great in every other sense and I know he loves me to bits.

Also, please don’t anyone think I had some kind of childish strop when I was in the nice underwear because I really didn’t! I didn’t even make a big thing out of the fact I’d make an effort I tried to play it cool .

I wouldnt go to him with solutions.

But what you said early on - that you're sad that you dont seem to be thinking about this as a team/married couple - would imo be a perfectly reasonable thing to say.

@maisie and rbvy

I don't mean the OP, or anyone, has a right to sex on demand but one of the key factors in any relationship is mutual sexual satisfaction. That is the glue that holds you together when things get rough and if it is not present the relationship will weaken. Mutual satisfaction could mean no sex at all if that is what both partners want but for one partner to withdraw intimacy without explanation and expect the other to accept the situation is unreasonable and the OP is right to feel devastated by it.

but for one partner to withdraw intimacy without explanation and expect the other to accept the situation is unreasonable and the OP is right to feel devastated by it.

That's not really fair in the case of ED though is it? There's a physical manifestation of either a physical or mental problem. And it's only been a month. I think the op should ease up a bit and see what happens.

If it were a woman not wanting sex for a month due to a physical problem her husband would be hauled over the coals if he posted on here.

I would gently push him to go to the doctor - just to check all is OK - antidepressants can cause these problems & he needs to check there is no underlying health problems before he uses any medication - Ed in such a young man is demoralising & make him feel quite bad so he will find it difficult to talk about - so he will need reassurance from you -

I'm a man aged 54 and over the last few years I have experienced ED, Last year I started to experience severe back pain and my ED was total no morning wood, masturbation started out ok but I couldn't maintain an erection and my wife and I have not successfully made love for over a year. I tried doing it on my own using porn but that was a complete failure too.
So I did what your husband is doing I buried my head in the sand and hoped it would sort itself out. Result complete and utter relationship disaster.
Anyway I posted on here and asked for some advice and everyone said I should talk to my wife so I screwed up my courage and did. Result we did some online research and I booked an appointment with my GP. On Saturday we went shopping and visited an Anne Summers in Belfast and spent around £200 on a penis pump and cock ring (This my wife could operate by remote control as it had a built in vibrator.
So Saturday night after a nice bath and watching on of our favourite Rom Coms we hit the bedroom to try out our new purchases.
The penis pump was the source of considerable amusement and when I took it off I soon lost my erection. After some googling we learnt that you put on the cock ring first then use the pump and Hey Presto an evening of great lovemaking was achieved. I had a bit of a hair trigger the first time but after a little rest we had a good satisfying session and my wife used her Rampant Rabbbit for the first time in over a year, she hadn't been using it out of guilt.
I still have to see my GP but with the new help and a proper talk we are back on track even if it does mean wife on top or on our side as my back is still sore.
Please show your husband this and let him know that he doesn't have to live without sex, and neither do you.
By the way LoveHoney sell the same cock ring I have attached a picture.

Your most pressing problem is that you're married and he refuses to even discuss your sex life. You are not able to communicate with each other. How can your relationship possibly survive?

All of the above illnesses plus the very likelihood he's a man in his late 20s experiencing porn addiction.
So funny how this seems to be the main cause of Ed in men in their 20s and 30s these days, yet people are so reluctant to even consider that their beloved porn might be at fault.

You need to take sex off the table, you are putting more pressure on him and he may feel he is letting you down.
As other have said if the genders were switched you would be hauled over the coals for your selfish and uncaring nature.
ED is not a problem any man wants, you need to give him space and so him that you love him.

@Sodastream23
What rubbish- why is the first answer ppl have for so many posts is men's bad behaviour.
There are so many mental and physical reasons for this , but how sad that some Mns only response is to blame the man in these situations no matter what the facts and how much they need to stretch.