Has he been having an affair or am I losing my mind?

[Georgina114882]

Around a month ago, my husband received a text message from someone entered into his phone as “Ax”.. I asked him about it and he hit the roof. He said it was a work friend but then he gaslighted me really badly, telling me I was mental, deranged etc. The reaction was so severe that I became suspicious.

Our relationship has broken down. He has been so so awful to me for nearly two years now but for some reason I never suspected he was having another relationship. I have been busy raising our children who are 7, 5 and 9 months. Busy raising them and pretty much keeping on top of everything else. He told me he was very stressed at work. I (naively) believed that’s what it was.

So I started looking around the house and I found an old work notebook of his. In the middle of a lot of work notes, there are two entries - one an account of being with a woman: “I lasted a day and then I had to see you again, I met you at the station, you were cold from waiting, warm in the taxi back to your house..” etc. And the other an account of being confronted by his brother who had seen them kissing in the street. It also says what looks like “phone knows Ax”

I already have a solicitor and was planning to divorce him, because the abuse has been so bad for two years. I messaged him and said I could file for adultery instead and he didn’t argue with that. Then later on, I went for a drink with my friends and sent him a message asking him to deny the affair or leave. He wrote back with “i understand. I’ll be ready to go when you get back.”

Since then he is totally denying the affair, saying that I’m making things up, that he often writes fictional accounts of things and has accused me of harassment for contacting some of his friends and family to ask about it.

The more I go over it in my head, the more convinced I am it has happened. I was pregnant last year and he frequently argued with me and encouraged me to take the children away without him. Which I did. And his nastiness and gaslighting has been off the scale.

More recently he’s behaving a lot more like someone who’s seeing someone else - going our shirts being worn to work, hair cuts and lots of time preening himself in front of the mirror.

I’m now in agony because we have three small children and I’m faced with the realisation that I have potentially been looking after them and being pregnant and then caring for/nursing a new baby while he’s been off with someone else.

Is the evidence proof enough? I know he’s never going to admit it.

Unreasonable behaviour is reason enough to divorce him. Him cheating is matterless imo. He wil never admit he is an absolute twat.
You know he is. Tell a solicitor he is and get bloody rid.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

In the nicest possible way, what would you do with more evidence? It sounds like it's not going great and you seem desperately unhappy. Isnt that reason enough to go through with the divorce?

Concentrate on building yourself back up, concentrate on your children and let him deal with his mess. Even if he hadn't cheated, he's failed to uphold his end of the relationship by being horrible and by letting you get to a place where you think this is possible.

Good luck!

I don’t know what I’d do with more evidence.. I’m struggling because he’s telling people that he’s “having a breakdown” and somehow making me out to the the bad guy. And so people in the family are questioning whether or not it’s true.
I also feel like it would help me make sense of what I’ve been through for the last two years. But maybe it will just hurt more.

He sounds like a thoroughly nasty piece of work. Have you had any legal advice? He's being very, very clear so I suggest you listen to him and his behaviour is no reflection on you at all. No one kind or decent behaves in that way and he should be ashamed of himself. Stop arguing with him and feeding the drama. I think you've put up with enough and his behaviour is unforgivable. Start making plans to leave. Gingerbread has all the infromation you need on becoming a single parent, the CABx can discuss divorce, housing etc and give you a list of appropriate solicitors.

You can only control your own actions is a mantra I've lived by.

You cant stop him being nasty or bad mouthing you to others or even the cheating (if it is happening) but you CAN stop allowing him to make you this unhappy.

I know this can be hugely scary but think of your children asking you about this in 10/15 years - what course of action will help you and them the most here?

I’m struggling because he’s telling people that he’s “having a breakdown” and somehow making me out to the the bad guy

Gaslighting at it's finest. He is paving the way to leaving while looking like the innocent party. "I had a breakdown and Georgina threw me out - how awful she is" .

I'm sorry you're going through this . It's something I could have written - including the fact of getting pregnant / giving birth while my husband was with another woman. So yes I know how shattering it is .
You need to dust yourself down and see that lawyer - start the process of divorce. Make sure to keep copies of everything he wrote , every piece of evidence you can find.

Good luck to you - you'll survive and life will be better, I promise.

Well suggests he sees a GP then. He won't and you can tell your family the truth. Do not concern yourself with what his family think or say.

Thank you. He is nasty, he has been so so nasty.. and I feel like I’ve only recently come out of the fog and realised how desperately unhappy I’ve been. I suppose it’s easy to ignore or assume it’s just part of raising small children. Sigh.

I have stopped engaging with him. I have an amazing solicitor who is going to start proceedings.

I’m guessing I won’t know for sure. Until the divorce is finalised and he moves in with her? :(

ShippingNews

looking like the innocent party. "I had a breakdown and Georgina threw me out - how awful she is" - exactly this

And the thought of his affair while I was pregnant and really struggling to look after a 3 and 5 year old has really floored me..

That’s how I caught my H out, old notebooks except they were from13 years previous. I then went through his drawers and found a ton of poems and songs he wrote about it. I was told it was a crush that went too far, maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t- we are still married and don’t think he will ever say more than what he’s said. In your case it’s recent, I would kick it into touch

You should thank your lucky stars if he's met someone else. He's not exactly a catch is he OP? This lucky lady has years of abuse and infidelity to look forward to while you start to rebuild your life and self-esteem. Make sure you get an STD check as well, some STD's have no symptoms and I doubt he's given a second thought to your health. It might be an idea to do the Freedom Programme and you'll see him for what he is. Well done on getting a solicitor. A better life beckons.

Georgina in the kindest possible way, you may never get the evidence you need and asking everyone amongst your family and friends is not helping. Its not their relationship and it doesn't matter what they think or know. What matters is whether your relationship is a healthy one, whether you both want to make it work or give up and call it a day. You do not need the grounds of adultery to get a divorce.

Your husband is being unkind and uncaring in his attitude towards you. Whether or not that is because of an affair it doesn't really matter. The last two years have not been happy ones and it sounds like neither of you are very happy or contented. You now have to weigh up whether you want to make it work with him - if he is prepared to as well - or whether you just need to end it and move on with your lives, co-parenting your children.

If you do both want to make it work then you need to go and get yourselves some counselling to sit down and talking about how both of you feel, what you both want. To really listen and hear each other. This will require you both to be open and honest and trying hard to hear the other person and respond to their needs. If you don't want to try then you will need to move on with working out how to split up, divide assets, finds homes etc, so that it doesn't harm your children and whatever the emotion, to co-parent in a mature and responsible way. That will require both of you to step up to the plate - setting to one side the hurt, anger or bitterness of your break up. It wont be helped by famillies and friends taking sides or being brought into it.

The being nasty should be enough to bin this prick...stressing about him playing away is another good reason. You dont have to put up with this and shouldnt. You will do perfectly well on your own with kids. Lifes to short to engage with an immature pricks games..get rid and when he comes crawling back having discovered the grass aint greener be ready with a very f### off😉

Op, do not victimise yourself. Saying things to yourself like “And the thought of his affair while I was pregnant and really struggling to look after a 3 and 5 year old has really floored me..” will really floor you and that is something you cannot allow yourself to happen when you are the main cater of the children (I know how unfair he has been but you feeling worse is not going to make him a pinch more caring or repentant.

Instead see yourself for what you are, a woman who has managed to deal with three children on her own, who doesn’t need to be carrying a nasty, abusive, cheating husband.

I would say that if you split, you will soon find out that is much easier to go solo than carrying such shit husband on your shoulders.

Cater not cater

Stop worrying what others think. He's an assholehole you've wasted years being treated like shit. Get tough and get rid of him.

The cheating, well, he's not going to admit it and will deny it so stop bothering to get it out of him.

His treatment of you is enough to walk so stop worrying about finding other ways to justify leaving

You’ve been doing it alone all these years, you had a third child despite things being not great and you’re still here and I’m sure you’ll be fab on your own (I’m a single mum of 4!) it’s hard to start with but you need to split and move on with your life. He sounds a total dickhead tbh (my ex was up to many despicable things before we split whilst I was pregnant and with a newborn) I ran for the hills. It’s really hard but much easier without him

Don’t worry about the other people. Those who care for you won’t believe him, those who don’t do not matter.

If someone comes and tell you “I can’t believe you threw out such a good man!” The best answer is “are you suggesting I should turn a blind eye to a years long affair or that I should continue to put with so much domestic abuse?”

I understand the need to be proved right. He is almost certainly an adulterous twat and I would want that officially confirmed. But he is also abusive. What matters here is to get rid of him and to get a fair and workable settlement and arrange your joint children's lives in the least harmful was possible.

The longer you engage with his nonsense, the more he can manipulate you. Try not to worry so much about what other people think- they don't have to live with him and their opinions don't really matter.

Thank you for the support. You’re right. Regardless of the affair, he’s been abusive.. and that means the relationship has to stop.
It’s just so difficult to stop my mind going back over all the dates and all the lies. Memories of me being pregnant looking after two small children, believing him when he said it was because he was stressed with work.. 😢

It is easier without him. So much more space and time without the stress of him.

Rather than an endless search for evidence I would practice a calm ‘ if it were a breakdown he’d have seen the doctor. I don’t know what he’s telling you but I tossed him out for the affairs. Which are ongoing.’

Make it affairs plural, 99% likely it is.

He will obviously deny everything ,because ATM he has his wife and family and a "bit on the side" so to speak .When you start talking about Divorce ,he will become defensive as he doesnt want to change this situation! If he is becoming more nasty to you, and dressing up to go to work it doesnt take Sherlock Holmes to work out why. Some men are unable to cope with a young family ,and tend to blame their wife . then as soon as someone else takes an interest in them off they go! Most likely if you do break up and he moves in with her ,the gloss will come off and he will become a W/E dad who regales everyone with stories of "wicked ex wife!