Help??

[githie]

I am new to this site but don't know what else to do.

I have been with my husband for over 12 years now and overall had a great marriage. Recently (around 9 weeks ago) I gave birth to our son, the pregnancy and birth were very traumatic and did not go to plan. When me and DH left the hospital all seemed well, however over this last week he has dropped a bombshell.

He advised that he has been unhappy for the last 3 months and last night said those words "I love you but am not in love with you at the moment". He stated he does not want to give up on us but I am completely devastated and feel so vulnerable with just having had our boy,

He is adamant that he wants to work on us, I am still madly in love with him and that is what hurts. He said he wants to feel close to me again and wants to do things such as date nights, etc.

I just don't know what to think or feel, am I overreacting??

How is he with the little one?
As long as it isn't a case of him resenting you spending all your time/giving all your attention to the baba instead of him. As to me...that isn't fixable. It's like is mindset is that of a put-out sibling. And you already have one baby, you don't need two!

It could however be that lack of sleep and stress are making him feel depressed and he isn't happy and he is narrowing that down to he isn't happy with his life then to he isn't happy with you. Again, that isn't fair. And it isn't fair to put that on you. But a bit more excusable. You have to have a talk with him to determine if this is the case.

If so, I'd be telling him 'everyone struggles with a newborn but you were wrong to put this on me now'. You could see about going on a date night once per weekif there is someone you tryst with the little one for a few hours...but really, do you want to be doing that? As hard as it is, I think I would just stick with him for a bit for the help with the newborn and once you are strong enough, walk away. Someone telling Mr be didn't love me right after having his kid...I couldn't forgive that. But I'd understand someone giving it a few more years to see if things would change...and for help with the little one, if he's good with her/him.

Ugh sorry

*someone telling me he

Has he just not realised how much of a change a baby would bring? It's sounding to me a little like he is throwing his toys out the pram because he isn't centre of attention any more.

Who does this so soon after having a baby? What a lack of empathy he must have.

Are you sure you want to be with someone who does this to you when you're so vulnerable? I would get your strength up and when you can, seriously consider what you want out of this relationship.

Also, men can get depression after the birth due to a drop in testosterone so he might be depressed, perhaps advice him to seek help and see his GP.

What a twat. Sounds like he is jealous because your attention - quite rightly - is on your baby, not on being his romantic partner.

Thanks for everyone’s reply, I really thought it was just me.

I spoke with him last night, he says he wants to make it work and wants to reconnect with me. Says he doesn’t want to leave us and wants to work in our marriage.

The hurt he has caused has definitely destroyed our trust and tbh although he says this I don’t really see how we can get past this. I have told him I’m not waiting for him to feel that he is “in love” with me and just for him to hang around until he pulls the plug.

I have given him a timeframe, until January to see if there is any connection there as he wants to do date nights, etc. I really think if I didn’t say this that he’d be happy just to hang around.

When it comes to LO I feel that he is not pulling his weight, he has also said he feels jealous of him. This is playing a big part in how I feel towards him and it’s so difficult as we made this baby together and he can’t see this precious bundle in front of him.

It also doesn’t help that I have focused on him throughout our marriage and I’ve put his needs first. I have also realised I’ve lost myself in the marriage, I have given up on friendships and now feel very alone.

also doesn’t help that I have focused on him throughout our marriage and I’ve put his needs first. I have also realised I’ve lost myself in the marriage, I have given up on friendships and now feel very alone.

And that there is your issue, he’s not your man baby any more. I’m so sorry op.

Its always the BS of I love you but not in love with you .. make an effort .. give me attention yadda yadda

This is the time where YOU need attention! Pregnancy & birth is not a joke ... with baby now time is limited and stress levels are high let’s add in hormones too 🤬

What the heck is he expecting of you? He is just a big baby who can’t share attention ..
I am angry on your behalf OP .. I don’t have the right to be but I am 🌷

When it comes to LO I feel that he is not pulling his weight, he has also said he feels jealous of him

What an absolute waste of space. Jealous of a baby ffs.

I think you're very generous giving him until January.

Tell him he can 'connect' with you by pulling his weight.

Demanding date nights with a 12 week old baby!!! What a selfish, self-centred little prick.

Your husband is a selfish prick. Who says this to the mother of a 9 week old baby?

Yep he's throwing his toys out of the Oran but I'm not sure I could forgive him his weakness at a time when he needed to be strong.

Weak selfish prick. I'm glad you're not pandering to him and have given him a time frame.

And as for date nights? With a new born? He's having a fucking laugh!

I'm sorry he has shown such weak character at what should be the most glorious of bonding time as a family unit.

I just am so angry with him.

Just has a frank conversation with him there about pulling his weight and got some lame excuses, although he says he will try.

I feel that this is not the man I married or maybe it is but I’ve not seen these faults as we have been doing “fun things” like going out, holidays, etc.

The silly thing is he actually feels if we separate that we can still be friends, hang out and does not see that dynamics will change. WTF!!

I have reached out to old friends to meet up and am trying to start rebuilding parts of my old life.

I don’t see this being a happy ending, I am preparing now which speaks volumes as maybe deep down I know that this is over

Tell him to grow the fuck up, now it’s not the time. He can sod off to his mum’s if he’s that deprived of attention.

Oh op yes I think he is no longer first in your life and he can’t handle that

I think you need to say it’s up to him. You love him and want to be with him but he cannot be the centre of your relationship and life anymore. Your son is your number one and you are going to start putting your needs on a equal footing to him. Going out with friends etc. But he needs to step up and be in this family

I very seldom comment but this is awful! It's possible he's finding the adjustment hard, it is hard, but to put that on you now with a new baby is unbelievable. He should still be looking after you and protective of you at this stage as a new father. He really needs to step up and be there for you xx

He's talking about you separating? Bloody hell op how incredibly hurtful.

He really has hurt me and it’s come out the blue.

I feel like anything I do isn’t getting through to him. I’m terrified that this is over but so angry at the same time.

He actually said this is hurting him!! I’m in so much pain and can’t see a way out of this. I feel like a fool

This is what responsibility feels like. It means staying put even when it's not that fun and you'd rather be down the pub.

If he doesn't buck up, he's just going to be a drain on you and you'd be better off alone tbh.

Having a baby is one of the most stressful things you can go through, I wouldn't forgive someone for pulling this shit on top. He hasn't been happy the last three months? Try pregnancy and childbirth it's not about being happy ffs!

Oh wow... he says he is jealous of the new baby’s attention it takes away from him ? He chose to use the phrase “not in love with you at the moment” instead of someone more empathetic who might say “we need a date night darling, let’s plan one soon we’re both knackered & need to do something special for us” etc etc.

He is cruel, selfish, immature & self centred piece of shit & if you pack his bag & kick him out it will give him the shock he needs. Friends after breakup my arse! This man doesn’t care about your feelings on any deep level. He was never in love with you, he was in love with the fun times. Now you see him for who he really is during “for better & for worse”

also how lovely of him to not make much effort with the new baby, leaving you to pick up the slack & because you’re not fun enough due to being run ragged he falls out of love with you ! It should be You falling out of love with HIM !

Also significant is his timeframe of 3 months - right when you start really showing & the reality of new baby is impossible to ignore. Shit started getting real for him then & he didn’t like how all the focus was shifting to the baby. He was waiting for the “rush of love” everyone blags on about & baby didn’t give him that nice feeling he was supposed to get out of it !

And when he says he is adamant he wants to work on you guys - what he really means is he wants YOU to work at being more fun & having more fun times now because if you don’t, he is gone

He isn’t planning on working at anything. He’s dumped all this shit on your lap to fix, when he is already slacking off with baby.

I am childfree & my piss is boiling for you right now. Maybe some other people here will be more accommodating of him... I vote dump !

Well it’s all come to a head, I told him I can’t wait until January as I feel like I’m going insane! He just stared blankly at me, no emotion or anything.

I have told him it is over as I deserve to be treated better than this, there was no fight in him and he has agreed to separate.

Feel destroyed by all of this, especially when it’s supposed to be the most joyous time. Words just can not describe the hurt he has caused.

He claims there have been issues but he didn’t say as he thought they would pass?? If there were issues then why bring a child into the world??

I just feel overwhelmed at this moment.

Oh OP so sorry . It will be grim and overwhelming, It's incredibly painful when we see people for who they truly are, BUT I think you've dodged a bullet here and whilst right now it may feel all kinds of awful, do YOU truly want to be with someone who has treated you in this way? He doesn't deserve you, what an absolute fucker!
Bollocks to him, focus on you and your LO, make sure you look after yourself, if you are able to reach out to friends and family for RL support. Whilst it may not feel like it right now, things will get better and though it sounds like the biggest cliche of all, time really is the biggest healer, so give yourself that and bit by tiny bit it will get better. Wishing you all the best OP.

This is nothing about you...Because he is the kind of person who is never happy, they are often shallow & the excitement of relationship, engagement, wedding, getting a house, having a baby - these are all things that narcissistic people get emotional payoffs from. The focus is all on him & he feels very loved & important.

Maybe he kept doing the next thing thinking “that’s the thing to do, I’ll do that” and doesn’t give much thought to his decisions on any deep level other than what makes him feel good at that present time.

So now he is feeling the reality of being a parent he can’t realise that he wanted this, chose it & presumably understood the 1st year would be like war in the trenches & you guys persevere & battle through together, during this life upheaval together. He isn’t able to really “work” at anything & have delayed gratification. He just knows he feels bad now & an immature, self centred person isn’t good at taking a backseat waiting for some hypothetical future happiness. He needs to feel better now dammit ! Pay him some attention not the baby, baby’s boring now.