How to deal with teenage daughter?

[Sunnywithchanceofshowers]

I know this is quite a common situation, so I’m hoping for some good advice. DD2 is 15 and the youngest of my children by quite a bit and the last one at home. I split up with her Dad 3 years ago. Since then, although he does pay maintenance, he is dramatically better off than me.
He is pretty casual about when he sees her and will never turn down a more interesting invitation, but when he does every meal is in a restaurant, every activity costs money, he treats her in an adult way ie watches grown up tv programmes with her and ignores anything like homework and buys expensive presents.
I know she’s 15 and it’s quite normal to be a bit moody and antisocial, but I’m feeling pretty hurt. It’s just the two of us this weekend. I’ve made her a special breakfast as she requested it and she couldn’t be bothered to get up. I took it up to her and it’s now sitting cold and untouched by her bed. I did tell her it was rude not to even come down.
I can’t compete with the way he spends money and I don’t try, but she has everything she needs and nice clothes. Good, home cooked food and we’re not short of treats. She has from me what she would have had if her Dad and I had still been married.
We have a generally good relationship and have a lovely time together when she’s in a good mood and we don’t really argue, but if I suggest anything she wouldn’t like I immediately get told “I’d just go and live with Dad if you did that”.
What’s the best way to tackle this? Wait it out and hope she grows out of it? I feel like she’s getting pretty spoilt.

If you feel like she is spoilt, stop bloody spoiling her! don’t try to compete with her father for treats. It sounds like you’re both trying to win her over with treats.

The breakfast sounds lovely but if she is unappreciative then stop doing it. Being nice doesn’t earn respect & love.

Teenagers are hard. She's not stupid though and can see that you're the one that really cares about her and her wellbeing.

My ex doesn't pay me anything and I'm building my business up so the kids know that I don't have much spare money and they just ask him when they want something. I'm just happy that they get their treats so I don't have to feel guilty about not being able to provide that. Hopefully my business will start generating more income in the next year or so but until then, as long as they get what they need it doesnt matter that it's not from me. The kids know that I took a long career break to look after them so it will take a while to re build my career.

My kids pull the ‘wanna live with Dad’ every time they don’t get their own way. In the past I have handed them a phone and told them to ring him. On the one occasion they did this he said no..

Harsh but it’s heartbreaking when they say they want to live with him. Other times I tell them to shut up or I will sit on them and squash them*

• DISCLAIMER/CLARIFICATION - this is said in jest. One of them is bigger and 3 stone heavier than me!

I have told them that Bertie Big Bollocks* has a lot more money than me and can afford the designer junk they want/he wants to buy. Why would an 11 year old need a Michael Korrs watch?

DISCLAIMER/CLARIFICATION - I DO NOT call their Father BBB in front of them it’s a joke I share with friends.

Thank you, that’s made me laugh. The one time I went on holiday without her she was fantastically pleased to have me back.
She’s just surfaced and said thank you for breakfast, so probably calling her out on being rude is more effective than being nice.

Her Dad has similar nicknames, but less funny!

15 is the witching hour for daughters! She sounds pretty ok but I would be firm that she should not make threats like that. If she is old enough to think she wants to change where she is, she is old enough to request this from her dad in a mature way. If it is a serious option (from HIM as well as her) she should then raise it in a mature way with you. We both know she is trying to plày you off against her dad. 15 is old enough to start thinking about how silly people look, when they hurl threats about. She WILL be wise to the more constant nature of your love by now....

Since she was 12 she's had to deal with her father being 'pretty casual about when he sees her' and rejecting her when something more exciting comes along.
On top of this she's gone through puberty with hormones all over the place.
Her older siblings seem to have had more of a continuity with dad so perhaps this is a reminder that she isn't as exciting as they were.
I'm guessing there.
But I don't think she's behaving like a spoilt child, I think she's behaving like someone who has been rejected.
What if she's decided that she's not worth her dad's time so why on earth does mum bother and is trying to prove her point by being difficult so you give up on her too.
Just keep doing to positive enforcement thing - telling her what you really like about her and how much fun you have with her.

My DD (10) says this to me when she is in a mood. I say 'go ahead, I'll buy you a one-way ticket' as he lives abroad. She doesn't mean and I don't mean it but I won't indulge this talk.

It is a pattern- spends a couple of days with him- comes home with an attitude towards me.
Spends longer with him- like a week on holiday- happy and appreciative to be back home.
Goes a week or more without seeing him- generally lovely to have around.
I know I try very hard to not say anything negative about him. He does have a track record of putting me down- before and after we split up.
When she’s being lovely she’ll say our house is home. ( spontaneously, not because of any prompting from me)

savingshoes Thank you for reminding me. That is the principle I’ve been working on, but this weekend I’ve just wondered whether I’ve been sliding into doormat territory and feeing quite down about it. I’ve never put obstacles in the way of him having her on his casual schedule because I’ve never wanted her to feel unwelcome at home with me.

My 15yo DD pulled the "I'll go and live with dad" nonsense earlier this year. I had stopped her going and hanging around with kids I knew were taking pretty hardcore drugs. Her dad is lax as fuck.

She was back after 6 days. She's never mentioned it again.

I was a wreck, until my 18yo DD reminded me that she was always leaving "to live with dad" and it never lasted and I was being silly. Tbh she only ever lasted 2 days so I didn't notice as much.

Kids, even teenagers in their most challenging moments know where they are loved and safe. If she threatens going to live at dad's again as some sort of punishment to you or to get her own way I would suggest "it would make me sad if you went to dad's to avoid my rules, but I can't stop you. I love you and would always prefer you to be with me because I think I keep you safe and well, and that's why the rules exist. No matter what you can always come back at any time. "

Oh, and if its purely for nice meals on restaurants, let her go with "have a lovely time, come back when you want a home cooked dinner, ill miss cooking for you!"

I give it less than a week

'I'll just go ad live with Dad'

was always greeted with -'Ok fine, I'll get your suitcase out for you. Are you going to ring him now or later.'

She is 15, she is playing you off against him to get her own way. Testing is normal at this age. I'm also fairly convinced that she totally knows that her Dad wouldn't want to have her full time. AND if he did she would soon want to come home again.

@Sunnywithchanceofshowers
You have summarised exactly how my DD12 is when staying with her Dad.
He is her absolute hero and can do no wrong. Even though when we were married I suffered DV.

She behaved exactly the same. Moody when she come back. It thankful and happy to see me when she stays over a week. If she doesn't see him she's lovely.

I think all this is normal - Reading your post has reassured me hugely! Thank you

Tbh I think teens will use whatever "stick" is available to beat you with. Its part of the natural process of them separating themselves off from you (and that includes staying in their room for hours alone!). In your case, she needles you with the threat of going to live with her dad, probably because she knows that it's a contentious subject and it will rile you, but it could be anything else such as staying out late with friends , drinking or seeing an unsuitable bf. (My DH and I are together but my teen tries to play us off against one another and colours any cracks in our relationship.)

Try stepping back a bit. Stay true to yourself and as you are already doing, don't try and compete with any disney dad behaviour. Your dd knows deep down what real love looks like and the true value of it. That's another reason why she feels safe "rejecting" you temporarily, because she knows you love her anyway. Try and remember it's not personal (although it can certainly feel like it at times!) and that it is just part of her natural evolution towards adulthood and as pp said, stress that you are always available to talk and she is always welcome at home no matter what. Good luck!

Er, don't know what happened there, "colours" any cracks in our relationship should have been "exploits".

If she pulls that trick, pack a bag for her and hand her the phone to call him.

Thank you all. It’s been so helpful to think it through. The threatening to go to Dad bit was what was bugging me most and making me feel blackmailed almost. That stops now- she can threaten as she likes- I won’t be backing down in future.

I’ve just re-welcomed my teenage DD back home after one night at her dad’s. She was meant to come back at 5, she came at 3. Every. Fucking. Time she comes back in a fowl mood, I’m a psycho mother, her dad is right, I’m a controlling c**t etc. Because I asked her to put away her washing (that I did).
She’s going to live with dad. Off you go, my love.

I welcome the sporadic breaks I take from her, but by jov am I paying for it.

So, OP, you’re not alone.
I’m also reading a book called Reviving Ophelia, it’s all about teenage girls, grab a copy. It’s sort of made me feel a bit better, detach a bit if you want.
I’m not exactly sure what I learnt, but I’m not spiralling with her anymore, I can keep quite calm. If it’s unbearable, I started running David Attenborough like commentaries in my head: the young female is clearly distressed. She can smell her mother’s fury and feeds from it etc etc etc. Clear sign I’ve lost the fucking plot, but I’m not shouting anymore.

Stop bloody spoiling her, bringing cooked breakfasts upstairs etc, turning her into a diva and call her bluff on going to live with her dad

Stop bloody spoiling her, bringing cooked breakfasts upstairs etc, turning her into a diva and call her bluff on going to live with her dad

Exactly! Hand her the phone instead of pandering to her moody bollocks!