So i'm not drip feeding - Been with dp for 20 years this xmas eve, we've had our ups and downs but the past 4/5 years have been hell.
He lost a parent, ell out with his friends, withdrew massively and became depressed, sleeping all day long, staying up at night, At the same time I felt like a lone parent to our son who is now 7 (at the time 3). I lost my grandmother and my father - both of which I had to care for through there illness's , watching the house, cleaning cooking and running around after ds taking him back and forth to nursery.
Finally hit the wall with dp and told him to get a job, he found a volunteering job in a subject he loved and decided to pursue it at college, he spent a year there partying and becoming a teenager all over again - I went along with this to let him get it out of his system as he'd worked straight from school so never had the fun side of being a teenager. he then went to university this partying continued. for around 2 years I suffered 7 miscarriages which I only realise now had a devastating impact on me.
I was stuck in grief and anxiety myself and never asked him to stop - I became to enjoy the nights he was out and hate the ones he stayed at home for. The last year or so has been the worst, hes accused me numerous times of seeing someone else when in reality ive fed ds, and gone straight to the gym where id do a couple of classes back to back, this became my own time where I switched off. Ive said during arguments that I think we need a break. it came as a shock to him, but I didn't know what else to try.
We tried for a while, he'd hug me and i'd feel nothing. I'd go to bed and pray he didn't touch me. Last night we sat down and spoke and actually made headway rather than us just telling our version of events. We both agreed we were miserable right now and we were not the happy family environment we both wanted for ds to grow up in so we said we'd have a break but this inevitably will be the end of us and we both kind of know it.
so why am i so upset? Id thought about this for a few years and always imagined it would be for the best. I dont like failure and i know im probably being hard on myself But I haven't stopped crying all night, the thought of being a single mum, having to find a new job to afford the rent, id also have to move out as we'd need to sell the house, then theres xmas coming up. Im a mess right now. please tell me it gets better cos right now the thought of being with him and unhappy but content is better than being alone.