Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Will I ever learn

14 replies

RumbleDoll · 10/11/2019 00:46

Posted nearly 3 weeks ago re going no contact, was doing so well until yesterday.
He turned up and, more fool me, I let him in.
More " situation has changed now and I want to take the next step"
Brief rundown
.Met this guy a few years ago, after my 21 year relationship ended, all amicable.
Three months in I was dumped because he had 'heart problems' total lie it turns out.
Anyway, we reconnected Feb 18.
I had all the I've missed you so much, regretted letting me go, let's try again.
But, turns out he had met someone else and loaned/ given her his life savings to help out her daughter so we couldn't be open until he had his ££££s back. Apparently that relationship is over but, she who cannot be named, must never find out about me, he said she was moving abroad due to health issues, once her youngest had finished exams.
If out in public I had to use a different name, had to withhold my number if calling and never able to visit him, as his place was a mess and he wanted no reminders of me in his home if we broke up again!
He also thinks the ex has put a tracker on his car ffs. So never parks at mine.
During the last few months, if he thought I may be meeting someone else ( happened at beginning of year, told me I was the only woman for him, puppy dog eyes etc.) Or ended the so called relationship, he would up the ante.Now I'm feeling so stupid and so fucking angry at him, for trying to spin a yarn and even more angry at myself.
I lost my son a few years back at Xmas so this is not the best time of year for me but he turns everything around to him, at the moment his elderly great uncle is dying, apparently.
I also have a hospital appointment next week which I'm a little worried about, have a friend coming for hand hold as he 'doesn't do hospitals'.
Unfortunately we live in the same small village and I dread seeing him, as I know he'll turn on the charm again and boy, does he have a way with words.
If I was reading this about someone else I'd tell them to run and never look back, so why am I finding it so difficult?

OP posts:
BiMum5 · 10/11/2019 01:00

Emotions! They take a long time to catch up with the sensible brain. I got dumped three months ago in the most awful way and it was framed as "taking a break" which has been a total headfuck. There were lots of issues, yet part of me can't let go of the good times and I find myself wondering if her demands were actually her trying to help me to be the best version of myself as she said though my friends and therapist clearly think otherwise! I remember someone on Mumsnet years ago quoting their gran who said "You can't help who you fall in love with but you CAN be sensible about it" so I'm trying to live by that.
What you need to realise is your own self-worth. You are not just fit to be someone's bit on the side which is how he was treating you. Love is a verb and someone who truly loves you won't treat you badly. You deserve so much more and you need to keep repeating that to yourself until you believe it!

momtoboys · 10/11/2019 01:04

You deserve so much better than that. I'm so sorry about your son. Screw up your courage and send that man packing FOR GOOD. You are worth someone who cherishes you. He's not worth it!

AgentJohnson · 10/11/2019 05:38

The only power this man has over you is the power you repeatedly give him. I can’t work out who has the least respect for you, you or him.

It really is time to show yourself some love and throw this one back.

Windmillwhirl · 10/11/2019 05:57

It sounds like low self-esteem may be at play here. Lying about illness, going hit and cold, using a different name (wtaf?).... You know none of this is normal and acceptable. That you would accept any of that is telling.

How could this ever be a healthy, happy relationship for you?

I'd suggest counselling for self esteem and staying away from relationships for a while to the bar is raised or some other loser will latch on to you.

Want better for yourself x

Heartburn888 · 10/11/2019 07:43

Well at least you’ve haven’t given or lined him a large amount of cash to tie you to him.

He sounds like an idiot, i know it’s hard but you really need to cut the ties with him. You don’t want to spend time with a proven liar and build something for it just be smashed to bits and of his ex has put a tracker on his car, is that not too much drama for the sake of the person he is?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 10/11/2019 07:47

A word from the wise. Never, ever agree to be someones dirty little secret. Either date openly, or don't bother at all.

RumbleDoll · 14/11/2019 22:36

Thanks everyone.
He turned up yesterday, pleased to say I shut the door in his face.
Feeling strong and keeping to it.

OP posts:
VixenSixen · 15/11/2019 06:59

Just keep writing down all his bad points and all the horrible things he has ever done to you...... It will soon get written into your head too and the dog will start to clear for you.

Good luck, no contact is exceptionally hard but you owe it to yourself to put your feelings first and don't give this parasite another second of your time and energy. Focus on yourself, build yourself back up and in a few weeks or months you'll wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place.

You've got this. X

VixenSixen · 15/11/2019 07:00

*fog - not dog 😂🤣

RumbleDoll · 15/11/2019 18:21

Day 1 on nc.
It will get easier, after all, what have I got to lose ?
My self respect and that is NOT going to happen again.
This weekend is full of self love.
My dog wasn't that keen on him and she adores everyone.
I've done the list of pros and cons, pro list was so short.

OP posts:
GuessWhoColeen · 15/11/2019 18:23

Always put yourself first ALWAYS Flowers

GuessWhoColeen · 15/11/2019 18:24

P.S listen to your dog! Bear

Ohyesiam · 15/11/2019 18:28

Yay! Well done op. Strong lady!

Just make that resolve and stick to it like super glue.

You deserve a man who loves and respects and prioritises you . A man who is truthful and straightforward and can be trusted.

RumbleDoll · 16/11/2019 22:06

Day 2 of NC
Feeling stronger all the time.
Hope I don't bore people but proud of myself.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page