We have fallen out and I don't know what to do

[MrsBobDylan]

DH and I normally get on so well - we have been through lots together over the years and have always been kind to each other, even when time were really tough.

Hard times have hit again - our eldest dc has very poor mental health and two chronic, life-long conditions. He told a psychiatrist last week that he had thought about taking his own life. He is 12. He has been put on two drugs and is coping better but we are reeling.

We have now been in a state of continuous argument (albeit we are both 'quiet' arguers) for 48 hours. He comes across as angry with me and he says I am not seeing things from his point of view. The thing we are falling out over is minor but I am just finding him so angry.

We rarely disagree but when we do I understand why and we are both pretty good at saying sorry and moving on. But I don't feel I've done anything wrong here and I can't have a sensible conversation without him getting cross.

I don't know what to do. I had a horrible childhood and I worked so hard to build a better life for myself and a loving family. I am so sad.

Is it worth finding a good marriage counsellor? One that is a trained psychotherapist and can help to get you supporting each other again??

You both may be struggling and in great need so there isn't much to "draw down" from each other?

It's understandable that you are so sad about it all

What was the argument about? Can you go somewhere together and talk it through?

Sometimes a person feels angry at the world and just has to find their own way through it. Don't push him to resolve his feelings too quickly. It won't really be about the minor thing, it will be about everything.

So, I'd just give him space to get his head straight. Know in your own mind that it isn't about The Minor Thing or about you. When you grasp this then it is easier to step back and let him sort his head out.

I'm so sorry OP

Can you explain what the argument was about?

Agree with PPs.
Don't say sorry but give him space to process his anger. He'll likely talk about it in his own time.
Sounds like disagree was catalyst likely due to everything building up with regards to your son.
Sorry, OP. You must be so worried and scared about your DS. You and your DH must be experiencing so many strong emotions currently. It's bound to spill over even though timing is shit and you can do without it right now.

You are both under tremendous strain with your boy and coping by taking it out on the other.

I think you should approach Relate

Thank you for replying. It does help to here other perspectives. He just came up to our bedroom to try and patch things up but we fell out again.

I feel like he blames me for our son's problems. He cried just now but I just can't comfort him and he can't comfort me.

He is terrified our son will kill himself. I am just awash with sadness because I haven't managed to make my son happy or protect him from illness.

I think we may benefit from some marriage counselling. I may try and go downstairs in a bit and call a truce.

Does he blame you, or are you projecting your own (misplaced) parental guilt onto him, assuming he feels that way?

Perhaps he has the same feeling - that you blame him, from his misplaced guilt?

If yes to the above ... I would go downstairs, and just have a hug and a good cry with him.

Sometimes saying nothing and just sharing a good hug can be a step in right direction. Sounds like you both have common ground in that you are both worried about your ds and the frustration of parental worries are taking toll on you both. Everyone deals.with stress differently and we do tend to take it out on those closest to us. Remember you are both members of the same team and both want your ds to be happy.

Ok, I have taken the advice on board...the guilt is mine and I think comes from my feeling that I have failed to achieve my lifelong goal of making my children happy. I was so unhappy as a child that I vowed I would never let that happen to a child of mine.

DH dog (who never sits with) me just came up stairs and snuggled in with me as I was crying. It made me realise that the argument topic didn't matter and that we were really arguing because we are both in pain.

So I have told dh that we should forget our stupid argument and put our energy into helping each other.

I would still like to get some professional help though. For the first time I understand why situations like ours can break relationships. I really don't want that to happen.

The guilt is NOT yours OP you are both having a very difficult time and that's ok

OP, you cannot 'make your children happy'. You can parent entirely differently to your own parents. You can give your love unstintingly and forever. But you cannot make another person happy without their compliance.

You have a child who is expressing suicidal thoughts, and you are talking about your arguing with your partner.

Your first responsibility is to your child - give him all the love you can muster so he can see who he would be hurting if he killed himself. Show him how you need him and how your life is better for him being in it - people kill themselves because they think they are doing people and the world a favour - even their family.

Lots of talk here about who is supporting each adult in this situation. Who is supporting the child who has had thoughts of suicide, and whose parents are arguing?

Oh OP. That all sounds so hard.

I don't think it's you he's angry with. Regardless it's not nice to be the recipient. I think he's just as angry as you're despairing and you're the only place for it to go.

You cannot make anybody happy, not even your own child. What you can do is ensure that your actions towards them come from kindness rather than cruelty (which I am sure you do), but more importantly accept all of their feelings, even the painful ones. Sometimes when children inadvertantly get the message that only their happy feelings are acceptable to us, they can feel that their more difficult feelings are unacceptable; by extension, that they are unacceptable. If your lifetime goal is to make your children happy, I think that might be one of the issues - that you feel responsible for his feelings and you feel a failure if he's anything but happy. The reality is you are not responsible for his feelings, nobody is. That said, it must be frightening and difficult to accept that your child has such strong feelings about themselves. I can't imagine that would be easy for anybody.

I think therapy is the right choice. I would look for a family therapist preferably with experience of the kinds of issues your DC is facing.

Is puberty perhaps exacerbating DC's emotions? That might conversely be a comfort, as it means you are likely to get better periods as well as these difficult ones.

Just to reassure Christmasfluff, my son has been seeing a Cahms therapist for the last three months, is on two types of medication for his mental health, has a referral to the EDT and is engaged with the medical team who support his physical illness. He is on four types of medication in total. His illness started at 5 years old and my husband and I have solidly supported him during that time. He is not being left unsupported while his parents argue amongst themselves.

I can also tell you that as parents, we have been offered no support so we are not detracting in that way either.

We have another son who is at a special school and we have willingly given over our lives for our kids and worked really hard to make sure they feel loved and accepted and have all the support they need.

Thank you to other posters your advice was very helpful. We have made up and talked about our fears for our son.

Also, this is the first 'proper' argument we have had in 17 years together - my children are not being brought up in a house where parents are constantly rowing. Ffs.

Speaking as someone who had very loving parents I have been in the situation of complete anxiety and depression. It wasn’t my parents fault as it turns out it is my brain chemistry. I have a low dose of anti depressant and I love a very happy and contented life. Come off the anti depressant and I can feel the darkness and anxiety come back. So what I am saying that although family life can cause depression and anxiety it can just happen like in my case. I kept how I was feeling a secret which Is not good. Your child is secure enough to talk about it. This is very good news as he is not suffering on his own. So please try to stop feeling guilty there are some positives here. You husband is scared and dealing with it differently. It is a testament to your strength as a couple that this is the first extended falling out.

I am sorry you are going through this and I can hear how much you and your DH want to support each other and your son.

Just as a practical point, I have a child who has had a mental illness, and CAMHS were able to offer us family therapy (in addition to the therapy my child was having). In my area it's one of the (many) things that are available if you know about them and ask but not otherwise. It might be worth asking.....

Wow you both have been shouldering so much for so long that has been out of your control. You have done brilliantly to get this far and things are at the worst possible crisis point for you all. You must be drained and so highly emotional - you need to take some rest to restore if you can and find support if possible.

You are both doing beautifully.

It's classic that having a child with an illness puts a lot of strain on a marriage, as does having a child with SEN. It must be so hard- hugs xxxx I feel you both need support to cope with the additional strain, which is understandable, anyone would find it hard.

There are groups for carers for people with mental health problems, which you might find helpful.

You could contact the hospitals your son is under and ask if they provide any counselling etc for effected parents, or who they would recommend- I'm sure they'll have suggestions, as might people involved in the support of your youngest, consultants/teachers etc. xxx

I feel for you, I really, really do. Our DS was diagnosed as Aspergers after he tried to hang himself at aged 9. My DH and I went through hell. I accepted the diagnosis, DH did not. It took years before he did.

The thing is, you are looking at all this mess with your eyes wide open, your DH is not.

He is in pain. His child wants to die, has life long chronic issues as well. As his Dad, he wants to protect him, care for him etc but he cannot.

Your DH is NOT lashing out at you. He is lashing out on what he believes to be so, so unfair with life and his DS.

And I SO remember being given the DX and that was it! Where was the help? Where was the support? There was FUCK ALL.

You and your DH are doing really, really well.