Is this jelousy?

[Mumof21989]

Basically my mother (67) embarrasses me. I'm sick of her getting away with her opinions and rudeness towards other people. She is home all week whilst my dad works. For health reasons she has chosen to stay in the house and not go out without dad. Five years ago she was able to go into town etc.

She's never been affectionate or loving. I've struggled with her personality alot since having my children. It's like I love her but I don't like her. I don't like how she sees the world, her lack of empathy or the fact she finds it so easy to mock her own kids or belittle them.

She will make comments and digs at everyone and try mask it by making out she doesn't know some thing or by saying it then secretly telling us kids what she really thinks. For example she doesn't like my cousin. So therefore his kids she barely knows are brats, horrible, not nice. His brother who she likes, well his child is a nice cheeky boy.

It's like she always has to remind us of our flaws and failings. I was pathetic when I was younger. I was a wimp. I have always been a snappy so and so ... She tells me these cringey reminders of me now I'm 30 and I hate it. I was shy and snappy because she did nothing with us and was never kind.

I've had enough of her taking the pee out of me and putting me down. Oh she loves a chance to say something about me not being great. I was telling my mum my friend fixed my pushchair in the middle of the street once. She's good at things like that. I'm good at remembering what we need to do. So I remind her to order her kids meals for school etc before the deadline. I'd only got to the part where I said Kate had fixed my wheel and my mum butted in and said where as your helpless. Thanks mum!!

I have two kids, a partner, a mortgage and I worked for ten years. I now am a stay at home mum for the foreseeable future. I don't feel I've failed. My kids have had three holidays. I've started doing more things so I don't end up giving my kids no experience like my mum did. She can't seem to ever say I'm doing ok. I tag my friends in stuff on Facebook only for her to totally rip the pee out of me in a comment below. It's like she wants to say to people I know. I'm her mum and don't let her fool you she's really like this. I tagged my friend the other day in a picture of our favourite beach. In a location my mum's never been to (she's never been anywhere) and she wrote underneath it in your dreams Laura. I thought why is it in my dreams when I've been before and I'm going back in 17 months. If my sister has a laugh with me on Facebook my mum joins in with her stupid laughing emojis usually on any comments that my sister puts taking the pee out of me.

She's really rude to my auntie about her nephew she looks after because she doesn't like him. She started asking her why he's not at ore school the other day. I told her not everyone sends there child to an actual pre school as nurseries have a room for pre schoolers. She knows full well this is the case as my child went to nursery but she just wanted to pop at this boys mum because she doesn't walk much as my auntie runs about after her. That's not really my mum's business.

Also if she sees my aunties complimenting her kids on FB she doesn't half kick off and rant to us about how sick and pathetic people are. She hates mums saying their babies are beautiful etc. She rights bootifuk on our kids pics to rip the pee out of everyone else. She's not even saying anything nice to our kids. Just using them to dig.

She's also recently told me I was a saddo for looking forward to a Primark spree. She's never been!!! She also told me recently my DD doesnt need to go to the cinema with a couple of friends for her birthday. Apparently five year olds don't need to do these things. Well she didn't do these things for us and we didn't turn out very worldly or confident. It seems she will often call me sad and do a fake laugh after she has said it.

Sorry about another mum rant. It's awful realising you cant understand your own mum. The other day I shared an article of Facebook with my mil about her favourite TV show Christmas special and my mum liked the post.

It feels like she is always trying to get noticed and she wants everyone else to see she's my mum yet she does the above. I am trying to make sense of my relationship with her again right now. To be honest it has been Five years. I promise I won't make any more posts after this about it

She certainly doesn't sound happy or a positive person in your life can you restrict your FB settings for a start...

Hiya. Yes I block her from alot of posts. Occasionally I allow her to see stuff. But when friends tag me or its a seperate page she obviously sees it in her newfeed. Obviously I know Facebook seems to be my main example and I suppose that's because she sits on there alot of the time making comments. You know how you are your own person but some things are for your friends or your family or your colleagues. You are slightly different depending on your company and the place you are at. I feel like I can't be myself as she will jump on sometimes without knowing the context. One of my friends was really worried about her son starting school. He was awake at night etc. I tagged her in an article about preparing both of you. My mum writes underneath it oh stop it you will be kicking them in to school and glad to be rid of them. I find her extremely smothering and like she can't work out when she doesn't need to join in. My friends that don't know her go quiet once she has butted in. Sometimes it looks like she's mocking whatever we are discussing. You can imagine from just that I don't take my friends around to meet her.

I know it might Sound very Facebook. But I think she uses it as a platform to show off and pretend she's larger than life. I wish she could see how she comes across

Start commenting on her posts "you have misjudged the situation, how embarrassing" or "what an unkind comment"...

Depends if you are desperate to keep a relationship with her or not...

Those comments give her an opportunity to say you have no humour or you always bite. she's very clever at keeping me as the snappy biter.

I don't know. It's hard because to cut her off means my kids loose a whole family. I do love my dad but we don't see him much as he works all week. My dad would naturally take her side. I don't think he knows the half of it. I know she never wanted it DD but sort of had us to please her partner's. She was never cruel to us as such but she never felt we needed much other than food clothes and rules. She didn't do much to prepare me for the world but I've managed to go out and build a family and life of my own. She occasionally can be ok and we can sit and talk. She loves her grandkids although she does seem to have a slight problem with my 4 year old. she won't speak to my mum as she's so shy and she basically calls her a little witch etc to me. She isn't interested in spending much time with them though and never invites us up. My dad actually moaned last week he's not seen us for weeks. I guess I have no desire to go round

Wanted kids! Sorry x

Short, snappy replies are needed, i.e. wow, that was rude, what an insensitive thing to say; we are all entitled to our opinion but I disagree.

Don't get into debates, just look dumbfounded at the things she says.

I'd be limiting contact as much as possible. She's very, very unpleasant

My father always criticises. I had his voice running in my ear criticising myself all the time too. The day I realised this was the day I switched it off. Her comments and judgements are about here, nobody else. You don't need to be defending your life choices here or to anyone.

In terms of dealing with her on a practical level I found the best thing to do is address how unacceptable the behaviour is instead of letting them drag you into their game

For example when my father nastily told me how fat I was after having my baby my first reaction was to defend myself, say I wasn't fat, I was back running already, it's none of his business, he's fat himself etc etc. Instead a response of 'gosh I AM embarrassed for you - it's 2019, totally inappropriate for you to be commenting on anybody's appearance or weight, nevermind your daughter's. Quite weird to be honest. I hope you don't behave like that in public."

I suggest you faux concern to your mother about how she doesn't really seem to get the culture of Facebook.

Thank you for your replies.
@doesitevenmatternow
I'm sorry you have also had a harsh critical parent. I've also had body comments. Usually on my thighs being chunkier. I did comment back to her the other day when she said my DD would not Need to go to the cinema with a couple of her friends on her 5th birthday. She said They don't need these things at that age. I said well... You never did it with us but my dd loved going for the first time a few months ago. I often hear myself say to her now well you never did it with us.

I wish I knew how to get her out my head so I'm not always wound up by her. She has clearly affected me as an adult. Even though I know I've managed to break the cycle with my kids I feel so stressed out knowing she will have many remarks yet to make over the years still. Yet she's getting old and that makes me feel guilty too.

My children get about £100 for Christmas and the same for their birthdays. Every year I have her cut me off when I tell her what I'm getting them. They don't need all that. You don't need to get them so much. My son's birthday is days after Christmas and she knows that's why I buy him more and she was even commenting on that the other day. He's got four things for each not 8 for Christmas. She never says it to my sister though. My sister is skint and treats her kids abit similar to how we got treated. So mum is close to her and sometimes I hear her saying things my sister has already said making out it's her stance on things. She even makes judgey comments on the school and nursery I picked for my DD as it's not the ones we went too and I didn't do preschool like my sister did.

I have started removing her comments off posts to try hint at her I don't appreciate it. One of my friends said to me your mum's very opinionated on Facebook. I was like yep it's embarrassing and it's her only window to the world. Sadly she thinks it's everyone else in the wrong and not her.

I'm definitely cutting back on her slowly. We don't go around really anymore and this Christmas I'm cooking for my oh parents. I do feel sad that I won't be with them and see my dad Christmas day but I realised I can't go through life trying to please everyone else. I want to try and cook a nice dinner this year for my kids and let them stay home for most the day.

OP you’ve had a name change fail (just letting you know in case you want to protect your online content). I don’t mean this in a nasty way, but I can’t even get through your long posts - what I mean is, I know you are venting but it just shows how much energy your toxic relationship with your mother is taking up. No one needs that in their life. It’s clearly making you deeply unhappy and you need to cut her out or at least take a (huge) step back.

People feel under such pressure to have great relationships with their parents but parents are just humans and can be shit too. It’s not you - it’s her

Who makes a note of name changes fffs

Hi OP,

It sounds really tough. You need to find a way to extricate yourself emotionally. You don't need her approval or to justify herself.

You also need to find a method to extricate yourself from conversations so that you don't get dragged into the tangle of defense (therefore inviting more criticism that you're too sensitive or whatever).

How about you come up with some stock phrases when she attacks your parenting like "oh well. I guess we all think we are doing the right thing by our kids" or "that's interesting you'd see it like that".

Google grey rock.

And listen out for her voice in your head criticising everything. Once you hear it, you can silence it.

@littlemeitslyn if a user changes their name to post, there’s usually a reason - it really doesn’t hurt to let them know, and it doesn’t cost you anything to scroll on....

She's treating you in the way you allow yourself to be treated. Whatever you're doing to manage it isn't working because she upsets you and gets to you. It doesn't matter why she's the way she is, that's between her and her therapist, what matters is how it affects you.

You need to start calmly asserting yourself with her and setting boundaries. 'If you continue to talk to me like that, I'm leaving.' If she continues to criticise, leave. If you're out and she starts, leave. Let her pick up the bill or make her own way home. 'Please stop talking to me like that or I'm putting the phone down.' Put the phone down. Teach her how to treat you. Minimise contact if she's rude and critical. There's no need to shout or get upset, just be calm and state your needs.

This is how she is and she's not going to change. She's not going to suddenly start being the mum you want and need. Stop being surpised and upset at her not complimenting you or your children when she's never done this.

@Hadjab thank you ....@littlemeitslyn...I don’t make note of name changes but as Hadjab says, it’s usually done for a good reason and posters might not want their posts to be linked as could be outing.

I understand