Please help me see this more logically, about to bin an otherwise good relationship

[stirling]

Hi, really hoping that someone calmer and more level headed than me can help me come to terms with something I've always struggled with in relationships.

I know it's been done to death but please bear with me. Dp of 2 years is otherwise a kind, affectionate, reliable and gentle partner. He comes after 2 marriages where both exes were adulterous. Hence whenever dp and I go out, and I see him glancing /staring at an attractive woman, I fall apart. I tried to explain how it makes me feel calmly and he very sincerely agrees it's not nice for me to feel that way, then ends up doing it again and says he's not even aware of it.

I know many women struggle with this issue, but for me the pain stems deeper. As a child I was disfigured with extreme severe eczema. I was bullied at school regularly for my "ugliness" and even by my mother. My eczema cleared at the age of 16 and it was a real life ugly duckling to Swan story - I became very pretty. I do still struggle with my self esteem but I generally feel that I'm a pleasant looking woman. Except for the moment I see my partner smitten by a beautiful woman, in that instant I'm the ugly little girl again and I can't shake the feeling for days.
Ive had counselling for this. It was always an issue for me in previous relationships too. Men loved me but saw me as very anxious and insecure.

I've read through old threads where women have advised others that it's just looking, it's harmless, he's not choosing her over you etc but those words don't get absorbed by my brain.

It's like I'm determined to believe that he is smitten by her, probably wishes he could be with someone as beautiful as that, then turns to look at what he does have - ugly me.
Realise I sound very messed up. I'm also suffering with a chronic health condition so am very sad. Tonight was our 2 year anniversary but I'm too scared to go out with him to celebrate.
Thank you

Being dramatic, feel like binning the relationship but not actually planning on doing so...

sounds like you could do with some counselling / therapy to get to the root of your behaviour and issues, this may help heal any relationship issues you have.

That said I'm not excusing his behaviour staring at other women, but maybe that's something to explore with a therapist.

Is he actually staring or glancing at strangers (which everyone does from time to time)?

Is he just looking in their general direction or does he actually look longer or differently at attractive women? If the former, you urgently need to get a grip, if the latter that's unacceptable and a problem for him to work on which you do not have to put up with.

You really do need more counselling. It’s not ok to not be able to go out for your anniversary because of this. I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong, it’s human nature to have your eye caught by attractive people. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love and want to be with you. This insecurity could cause the relationship to end and that would be such a shame if it’s an otherwise kind, loving partnership.

I think there are two separate issues here, and they need dealing with separately.

1. your insecurity and the psyhological damage you have suffered from the bullying you experienced. I won't me-rail your thread with details but I also was "ugly" for years and made aware of it on a daily basis. I'm not ugly now either but the scars are deep and the insecurity and sadness can be overwhelming and can definitely impact relationships. Have you had any counselling? I would strongly recommend it - but for you, for you own confidence and happiness, not to protect the relationship you are in. You need to be in a better place whether you are with this man or not.

2. his disrespectful rubbernecking. He is doing it regularly and obviously enough that it's noticeable, and clearly you're not imagining it or he would have denied it indignantly. He didn't, so he knows he's doing it. He needs to grow up and control himself, and I would tell him so - not because you're insecure and he needs to make allowances for you, but because leering at strangers in an obvious way is deeply unattractive and frankly revolting.

If he doesn't know he's doing it, I would say that he isn't gazing at women with desire, he's just existing in public with his eyes open and you are actively looking for his eyes to fall on a woman and then you read into it something that isn't there.
My mum was like this. She threw away a good marriage to a good man over her insecurity - so sad.
Get help before it's too late xx

I don't think looking at an attractive girl is anything to worry about. I'll get flamed for this, but I don't think some men even realise they're doing it. My first husband was very obvious about it, and was unfaithful, so in my next relationship I was very sensitive about it. We dealt with it by joking about it, and I'd get in first, pointing out pretty girls. With my husband now, I find myself still joking "Nice bum", often before he has noticed! It takes the sting out of it.

Yeah, sounds like you know you're projecting your issues onto him/these moments. Don't try and fight with yourself, take your thoughts to their logical end. So if you think he's 'eyed' another woman ask yourself what could happen next - does he leap up and run away with her? etc etc in this way you will come to see how skewed your perspective is.

Thank you all so much for the replies and comments. I've had a lot of therapy, since I was 18. I'm now 48. I've just got a place on the waiting list with Mind again so I'll be starting soon. One therapist has said it'll always be with me.

He isn't just glancing - he does have a good look - like observing rather than leering
But what's interesting is that he equally studies with great curiosity an old person, a man etc...
pigeononthegate I'm sorry you had the same childhood experiences, thank you for the supportive advice...

Surely he's just people watching then OP? If it's not women he is checking out after all, but all persons.

I would worry that you will cause the breakdown of your own relationship, or turn your own behaviour into abuse (it isn't really ok that you can't go out and your DP is not able to enjoy going out without worrying you will go off on one) if you can't manage your expectations. Have you tried CBT? Your past trauma may always be with you in some respect but how and how often it impedes on your life and the thought patterns you follow do not have to be. If not CBT then hypnosis perhaps.

I am no expert OP but I would be trying anything really. Do you talk to him about this? What does he say?

What he is doing is very bad-mannered.
To put it in the kindest way, I don't have your insecurity regarding this, but I would find it highly off-putting if I was with someone who did this, as it's totally disrepectful.

dontgobaconmyheart thanks, I have had cbt but not for this issue.. Maybe I should. And I could try hypnotherapy, didn't consider it. I'm a cynical person so would imagine I wouldn't allow myself to be hypnotised but my sister knows a good one.

By your own admission your man is an inquisitive people watcher and whilst he looks at attractive people - I think we all do - it doesn't sound like he is leering. CBT would be your best way forward. It challenges you to look at your warped thought processes and helps you to learn how to change them. Please try it to help you view life differently before you destroy this relationship.

He is a people watcher.

The problem here is that you keep telling him not to do something, that is something he gas probably always done. People watch. But the issue is that you are interpreting that as leering at attractive women.

He cant not look in the direction of anyone in case you deem them attractive and and the project your own feelings on to it.

What he is doing is staring at beautiful women. You are deciding that, thats what he is doing.

Cbt seems like a good idea. But you really need to understand, what he is doing isnt wrong. Ita nor staring at beautiful women if he does it with other people too.

Thank you both very much. These replies help me enormously to snap out of victim mode and realise I need more than just counselling for it. I can get my GP to refer back to IAPT.

Good luck, op.

Sometimes we just need help to frame something differently.

If he looks at everyone, it's ok. But some men just gawp at pretty women and - in my opinion - it's REALLY thoughtless.

My first DH openly ogled women and I tried to be the "cool girl" and not mind. Now I realise he was just a stupid idiot. My second DH never ever ever looks at pretty women when I'm there. I don't know how he manages not to gawp, but he never does.

As a woman, you're probably aware of how many men who are out with their partners openly stare at you.

Sounds a lot like me, in the regard I watch people. It’s not a case of him finding them attractive he’s probably just looking and finding things on them, man and woman, whilst also wondering if those people themselves are also watching him

Thank you.
AnuvvaMuvva I also have friends who tell me that their partners never do this. Yet mine always do. First husband, second, now dp... Add boyfriends prior to marriage. The common denominator happens to me me