Early stages of dating - how to stop worrying about text/phone contact?

[TashieWoo]

After a long term relationship ending 4 months ago I have started OLD. After a couple of non starters I’ve met someone who I’ve clicked with and we’ve had a couple of lovely dates, with the 3rd one planned for early next week.

We communicate via text/calls most days but I can never be sure when he’s going to message me. He’s the one who starts most of the conversations and we have long conversations most of the time, either over text or an hour-ish on the phone. We both have busy lives and neither of us want to be texting all day every day.

But as I grow to like him more (and I’m pretty sure he likes me), whilst taking it slowly and not wanting to jump into bed anytime soon, I’m starting to get a bit paranoid about communication. Whether we’re communicating enough, whether he’s going off me, when he’s going to message me etc. I hate it and realise it isn’t productive. As an example, we went out on Tuesday and had a lovely time, messaged on Wednesday on and off, long text chat late on Thursday pm and arranged to see each other on Monday, then yesterday he just sent me a little in-joke at lunchtime, I responded an hour later and nothing else.

I don’t want to sabotage this by getting paranoid and I know I need to get a bloody grip, but how do I do this? We had a chat on Tuesday about text communication (he’s been out of an 11 year relationship for 9/10 months and I think his ex used to hassle him over text a lot) and he thinks I’m going to go mad if he doesn’t reply to messages, he isn’t a big texter, but I want to come across as nice and laid back, because I am really. I just need to get a grip, advice on how to do so would be much appreciated xx

It's been two dates you need to relax. Why is it usually him that starts a conversation of you want to text him text him

He’s probably thinking the same as you. Bring it up and laugh about it when you’re together- I bet he says the same thing “I’m not sure when to text you either etc haha”

But don’t be one of these douche bags who waits to text back for an hour for the sake of game playing.

It has been 2 dates so far? You are overthinking this, relax and go with the flow.

I’m certainly not a game player.

I think I too have a hang up from my last relationship... he had a 6yo DS who he had more than 50/50 contact with and a lot of drama with his mum, so I always felt like his life was more important than mine and so rarely contacted him unless he contacted me first. Which he would do at reliable times.

We have discussed texting patterns and I’ve said this to him when he was saying about his ex hassling him over text. I think she still does as they have two DC together. But I’ve always maintained that it isn’t the fact I’m seeing someone with DC (I don’t have any but have a busy work and hobby/social life) as I will always put them first as that is how it should be, but it’s if they take advantage of my good nature like my ex did. There was lots of stress that occurred due to his son’s mother and my ex didn’t deal with it well, and I realise that is unique to the situation so it isn’t going to put me off dating someone with DC again.

I think new guy thinks I’m potentially a bit of a mug but that I’m quite strong as well due to my past experience.

Now as he didn’t message last night or this morning yet I’m worrying that he shagged someone and is taking her out for breakfast... FFS!

I will say that we have arranged to see each other on Monday and usually he quietens down when a date has been arranged so maybe he’s just doing that.

Texting patterns??

I've heard it all now.

Why does there need to be a pattern? Why text if you've got nothing to say?

You need to ask yourself: why do you want to be texting each other so badly? What does it prove? What does it mean? I have close friends I don’t text for days at a time, let alone a near-stranger. I’ve been seeing DP for three years and sometimes we don’t text every day. The amount of time someone spends sending you inane messages about how their day went or what they’re planning for dinner is absolutely no indication of how much they like you or how important you are to them. Worrying that he’s shagged someone else because he didn’t send you a “good morning babe” message is ridiculous, he could send you the message before she wakes up and then shag her after, couldn’t he?

You need to back off with this. Two dates in and you’ve had lengthy discussions about “texting patterns”?? Two dates?? OP, you may as well hang a sign around your neck telling him you’re insecure and that he’s going to spend the rest of any relationship you have with you second guessing him. He’s already told you he isn’t much of a texter. If it’s important to you that your partner is then you need to cancel that third date and find somebody who also likes to text all the time, because trying to make somebody who isn’t glued to their phone into somebody who is isn’t going to be a happy experience for either of you, it will drive you both mad.

Have you had therapy for your feelings on relationships and insecurity? It really sounds like you need it. Worrying like you do isn’t healthy or normal and your life doesn’t have to be like this. Don’t make your shit from previous experiences the shot of everyone you meet in the future, it’s not good for you and it’s terribly unfair to them.

He started it... I think he doesn’t want me to take offence if he doesn’t text me. He asked me what I wanted... I skirted around that but said I’ve never been asked that before (which is true) and agreed with him that it was probably due to his ex.

@ComtesseDeSpair you are so right which is why I want to put a stop to this. It isn’t fair on him at all and I don’t want him to pick up on these worries. I don’t think he has so far. I don’t want the inane conversations, I want the good conversations that we have... I do believe that too much texting is detrimental and unsustainable. But at this early stage I worry that I’ve been forgotten or that someone better has taken my place. I know how silly that sounds.

Ok, ..........stop..........breathe.........switch your brain off. You are going through relationship anxiety so soon. You may need to think carefully that you may still not be ready to launch into another relationship right now and deal with still grieving the end of the other one. 4 months is still a short amount of time to go back into an intense relationship. You are dealing with irrational intense feelings and not even been on a 3rd date. Stop texting, stop worrying. What will be will be. With OLD there is always someone else just a click away. You need to be strong and just enjoy the moment. Don't worry about the next hour or tomorrow, if he wants to be with you he will turn up time after time. He won't if he sniffs paranoia and thats in your control OP. Chillax and keep dating other men, it takes the heat off this one in front of you.

@litterbird thank you, you’re right. When I’m distracted at work etc I’m generally fine, it’s in between activities and when I get some time to myself that I start worrying. When I don’t text him back for hours it’s because I’m busy and he doesn’t need an immediate reply (if it isn’t about arrangements or similar), not because I don’t want to talk to him so I guess I need to remember that is probably the case with him too. I know I’m being irrational and that is the first step.

Keep dating.
A lot of this anxiety will be mitigated by simply having other prospects. You don't have to sleep with them all (and probably best if you don't), but you're thinking about him so much because you're seeing him as your only chance at a relationship.

If a guy was texting me every day (especially after just two dates) I'd assume he was a stage five clinger or something.

I mean I know different vibes come about when dating different peeps, like some you warm too quicker than others ect... but still.

I'd tell him that you don't really want to text other than for arranging date stuff as it's early days and you hate being glued to your phone. That you'll see him when you see him but maybe a wee phone call mid week if there's a week between dates for a blether.

Seems a bit rigid but it seems he has problems regulating himself/knowing what is appropriate too. Also, if he struggles to stick to this, you'll know something isn't right eg: he is desperate to get too close too fast so could be a narcissist ect...

Why do lots of people have to be doing all this incessant texting and communicating with each other all the time.I can never understand it.
It would do my head in. If I was dating,I would just go on the date, and maybe arrange,or not arrange,another one. And if it was arranged,I would maybe just look forward to it,and then meet up, without all this addictive texting and crap all the time.

You need to put the texting aside as a way of judging him or his character. Just accept that it isn't a real way to know somebody - do it if you want to, but you will only get to know him through real life.

re. the anxiety of thinking he is shagging someone else if he doesn't text - having suffered this level of paranoia in relationships myself I can tell you it hs nothing to do with 'texting' - and is about you and your own insecurities.

I used to be very very anxious and jealous and had therapy/ counselling which helped me hugely. I was able to see where it stemmed from and learn techniques for how to relax when getting to know people - I accepted that until I knew them well I should hold back from relying on them emotionally - and then I needed to only stay with someone if I really trusted them.

Thank you all, I think I do need some therapy and I have had it in the past, but nearly 10 years ago now. I have to say I feel a lot better having been out all afternoon and exercising, it’s in the back of my mind but I’m nowhere near as paranoid as I was this morning. It’s when I have too much time alone to think I struggle sometimes.

He has his kids this weekend and we’ve made a loose plan for Monday, so I’m guessing I’ll see him then.

I was also thinking, my ex and I didn’t start talking every day until we’d been seeing each other about 3 months. This guy was texting me every day, morning and evening sometimes but I guess he’s a bit more comfortable with me now and knowing I won’t berate him for not messaging me. I’d rather our conversations had meaning at this stage rather than just checking in, and that isn’t going to be an everyday thing if that makes sense.

OP, you need to remind yourself that this is not the only guy in world. If he doesn't text/call or if you don't see him so what?! More men out there. It seems as if you become very emotionally invested fast so chill. And keep your options open.

Again, it has been 2 dates, so there could never have been much texting to arrange those 2 dates.
You hardly know him, it could be 2 dates and out for either of you at this stage.
Do not do this to yourself.

I do understand how you're feeling, but you're only 4 months out of a long-term relationship! You've got to give yourself time to heal. You're never going to meet your best match this soon.