How to tell a child....

[Farnworth53]

Evening all,
I recently posted about my separation. Her decision not mine and whilst I go through the usual rollercoaster of emotions in the middle of this our little boy who's 8. Whilst he knows we aren't together anymore, my heart sinks when I see him get upset and cry about us two. I always reassure him and tell him how special he is and always will be to me/us

However as I'm staying at my parents home it looks like I was the guilty one to walk out on him and cause him the heartache I see in him. How can I convey to an 8 year old that this was his mums choosing? She says her feelings for me are not the same anymore and all that but I never want my son think I abandoned him and left.

A tricky one to answer I understand and hoping that someone else has experienced something similar who can give me some advice.

Just to add I'm not doing this to win favour/ get back at my ex / stick the knife in - I just want him to know the truth and understand that none of this was my choice

Cheers folks

Why did you move out ?
It always seem unfair to me when the person who doesn’t want the split has to move away.

I moved out because I worshipped my wife so didn't want to upset her/push her further away as I thought we would get back together

What did you say when you separated? I'm not sure I think the idea of telling a child that it wasn't your choice is a good idea if you originally took an approach that made it sound platonic. He's too little to understand or comprehend the emotions behind such massive decisions and all he needs to know right now is that he is still loved. Not that this whole thing was someone's fault. What benefit is it to him to know? That's the first question to ask yourself, if you can answer that with a solid answer that is a genuine benefit, then ask how to tell him.

As hard as it is, you can’t tell him that this is “all his mum’s fault”
Children are so resilient and he will be ok.
I know you are grieving for your relationship but you will be ok too. By telling him his mum is to blame you risk her distancing herself and therefore him from you. As tough as it is you and her now need to work together and amicably and show your son that this is the best thing all round and everyone will be happier (even if you don’t feel that way right now)

Please don't place blame on one parent, be it you or her.

Best thing to say is something along the line of "We both love you to bits and this isn't because of anything you've done. Sometimes mummies and daddies just can't get along anymore and that makes them unhappy. When that happens it's best if they don't live together anymore. That's why Daddy is living with Gran and Grandad now. We'll see each other lots and lots and you can call me anytime". Leave it at that.

Unfortunately it's not in your childs best interests to know the truth or that you didn't choose it.

Any guidelines for parents telling their children about separations will tell you that it's best that it isn't blamed on one parent, and should be seen as an equal decision.

Mothers have to deal with this all of the time, often ending relationships because of the dads unreasonable behaviour, or the dad has walked out, but most don't tell the children the truth, because it's not in the childs best interest.

Also the parent that the child lives with is more likely to have to deal with the brunt of the childs anger and upset over the situation anyway, do you really want to risk making him angry at her instead of the situation and have you considered the impact that that may have on him when he's living with her?

You obviously shouldn't tell him that its all his mum's fault.

What benefit to your son (or the ex wife you apparently worship) would that be exactly? Vs the upset, instability and damage to his relationship with her that it will cause?
Despite how good it may make you feel.