ED and giving my wife choices

[firewalkeruk]

I'm a 54 year old man and my wife and I have been together for almost 36 years. We have 3 married sons and 8 grandchildren.
I love my wife to bits and while things we're shakey for use early on, she had an affair and an almost affair, she has been true and faithful to me for more than 25 years.
Until about a year ago we had a pretty decent sex life and were, and still are I hope, the best of friends.
I suffer from Peripheral Arterial Disease and as a result have suffered form Erectile Disfunction which could very well lead to full importance.
I really don't believe it is fair to ask my wife to be celibate and I am considering talking to her about the future of our relationship. I really don't want to lose her but I know from our early life that I would have a hard time if she was to have a physical relationship with another man.
She hasn't given me any cause to distrust her but she is suffering in silence and I know she sees our lack of sex as me losing interest in her.
I find her beautiful and sexy but each failure at having sex is causing me to become more and more withdrawn physically and a little emotionally too.
How do I talk to her about this without it becoming hurtful and what can I do if she really needs the physical act of sex and asks to have someone else in her life.
She is pretty vanilla her her needs and doesn't like oral, giving or receiving. I have bought her a Rampant Rabbit which she did use and enjoyed during or lovemaking but won't use it now as I think she is afraid of offending me.
I have bought her lots of lingerie as gifts but she doesn't even bother wearing any now and has taken to wearing fleece pyjamas and houseboat when web used to sleep naked unless it was cold.
I was just wondering if anyone was in a similar situation and how to broach the subject without upsetting my wife.

What does she say about it?

Have you considered a hollow strap on ? If you want to mimic penetrative sex, that’s pretty popular.

have you considered other ways to be intimate?

not just about full sex, there are other ways(and honestly normally way to orgasm!), rather than full sex.

She doesn’t like giving or receiving oral OP said. How inventive is he meant to be ? Go the good old massage OP, have showers together etc.

Prawnsword your suggestion of a hollow strap on was very helpful. I had never known they existed and when I checked them out on Lovehoney I was amazed at the variety.
I think I will suggest that my wife and I do some online shopping and point them out to her.
I have also resolved to introduce the subject of oral sex again. I know she will resist the idea but I think if I can convince her that I am willing to give without expecting to receive then we might be able to introduce this back into our repertoire. I thoroughly enjoy the act and if I can convince her we will be a good way back to reigniting our sex life.

Have you sought advice from medical staff regarding the impotence? Are there any medical options for treatment or equipment that might offer a solution?

PS. Sexy lingerie is more likely a gift for you not her.

Divebar in most cases your comment would be spot on however my wife has always enjoyed lingerie and we used to shop for it together.
She said that lingerie was like her superpower, she has a fantastic figure and can really wear almost anything lacy etc and make it look stunning.
I know it isn't usual but my wife found lingerie enhancing and not at all silly or uncomfortable.
As I stated I have P A D and while Viagra is helpful for others it isn't advisable for me due to threat of heart attack. Other more invasive or surgical solutions aren't on the cards either.
Unfortunately for me ED and Impotence is something I am going to have to accept and come to terms with.

Sex shouldn’t be a decider in any relationship. If you can’t survive without it you don’t have much. Love doesn’t need sex and because people get an itch that’s no reflections on feelings that’s just animal behaviour and frankly anyone could be there it’s not about the person then is it

Vacurect vacuum pump device?
Strap on is also a good idea.

Yep a hollow strap-on and you can get ones that vibrate so they feel good for you, too.

If you describe what's happening to your doctor/consultant, they should refer you to a urologist who might suggest a pump, as @Weenurse says. You can get pumps on Love Honey, the more you spend probably the better, but the ones you can get through the NHS I imagine would be more durable and effective.

You've told us your wife doesn't like oral sex, giving or receiving - and now you're saying that you "know she will resist the idea but I think if I can convince her".

How about no, and listening to what she has told you, and respecting that?

You have not responded to my question about what she says about the present situation with your sexlife. Talk to her honestly, fgs, and don't presume you know better than she does about her wants and desires.

@category12 Yep I'm one of the supposedly rare women who really doesn't like being on the receiving end of oral, and it's really annying when blokes keep trying to get me to tolerate it (unsuccessfully.)

I don't mind giving it- but everyone's different.

I would say oral is worth talking about again, at least.

I shut down a lot of sexual options because I was disappointed with how it went and thought that my partners weren't going to enjoy it as I wasn't going to orgasm, i.e. have an endpoint.

At least raising the topic again and asking if there's any kind of oral contact that has the potential to be enjoyable. Literally just soft kisses on the labia for example?

category12, my wife and I are very good at avoiding talking about things which are really important and this one is a biggie.
I suppose because she feels that I might be sensitive about this we have let things coast but it is a year now since we last successfully made love.
I would never force my wife to do anything she is uncomfortable with but for her oral is something she avoids as she believes she smells wrong or isn't clean. To me she is a desirable woman who always maintains herself well and there is nothing unpleasant about her down there, in fact quite the opposite. It isn't that she doesn't enjoy receiving oral, when she is tipsy she can really let go so it is an inhibition.
My wife had a religious upbringing and this can have negative consequences in many aspects of our relationship. I consider myself a christian but didn't God make us to enjoy each other?

No problem, used to work at an adult store & you are my most favourite type of customer - the bloke who comes in wanting to really pleasure his partner & has the confidence to buy his missus toys with all the bells & whistles. Many men only want their ladies to have the most basic toys so they don’t threaten their ego. Good on you !

If she is concerned about scent, bath together, wine & tell her how great she tastes/smells. I am not suggesting to force anything but if she has inhibitions (as have I with this same issue) having the man just do it & take me like that really helps to relax. I can’t relax unless am certain they enjoy it. Personally can tell if someone is not into giving oral (at least hope so) so your eagerness & enjoyment of it is key

It’s impossible to relax & to get off when you’re paranoid & anxious, convinced they are hating the act !

You have been together 36 years.

I think you should actually talk to her about whether she is unhappy with the sex situation, not just assume and barrel in with sex toys and oral sex (that you haven't succeeded in getting over her inhibitions in 36 years but now's the time apparently ). (I don't understand how you're able to bring up sex toys but not the elephant in the room.)

My mother told me, when her dh became impotent due to illness, that she was actually happier when they stopped trying, rather than when he was trying to get her to do other sex acts and substitutes. Is it possible that this is more about what you want, than your wife's wants?

Talk to her honestly. Maybe with a counsellor to ease the way.

category12 Lets be honest about this, YES this is about me to a great extent. It's about my fears, my sense of loss, my pride, needing sex but because of the intimacy and the fun. My wife and I used to laugh and cry together, we held each other like there was no one else that existed or mattered, I miss all of that and more.
I used to be fit and vital, P A D has robbed me of that, now I'm obese and in pain a good lot of the time.
My wife and I go to David Lloyds and I swim while she works out, I.'ve seen the looks she gets from other men and she does get hit on, although I know she knocks them back I still get jealous but I try not to let her see it.
I feel as if I have failed her, at our stage of life it should be about holidays and taking the grandkids out to have fun. Sh shouldnt have to worry about this guy using a rolator to help him walk and taking painkillers to get through the day.
So okay all of that out of the way I know my wife and what can be said and what can't and because of that I guess I am terrified of what she is going to say.
But YES I am going to talk to her tonight and bite the bullet.
I would like to thank everyone for their ideas and help and I will let you all know how it goes.