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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Worst year ever but found out who friends are.

22 replies

GoingTatsUp · 08/11/2019 18:06

I've had the worst year ever. Nearly split with DH a couple of times and my gut instinct tells me this is probably going to happen sooner rather than later.

A couple of other things have happened too. Milestones, other stuff where you find out who your friends are. I think out of it all I'm most shocked by this. Without outing myself by going into it more, I've found that people I thought were very, very good friends (talking long term) actually don't give a sh!t about me. Also a few family members too. Then in contrast, women who I have net recently, thought were just acquaintances showed me the utmost kindness and consideration, reinforcing to me that I do actually have some self worth. Whilst at it just to mention DH is in the couldn't give a sh!t about TatsUp group.

I've been really sad about this over the past few days. The horrible year I've had and who has proven to be a crap friend. I've just felt really down today and didn't answer phone to anyone. I should feel happy though. Even though my year has been a shocker, I've moved forward and battled on. I was a SAHM and now have a p/t job which I am told can go f/t when I want (DC a bit older and no school run on horizon). I've made new friends over the past 6 months and they have proven to be a strong, caring set of women who have each others backs and I've got theirs too. I'm fitter and healthier.

Just having a bad day I suppose. Still issues with DH though. I still feel hurt about my so called "friends" and need a few pointers on what to do WRT them. Feel like I've had such a rough ride that I need to focus on ME and offload any baggage that has dragged me down.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 08/11/2019 18:09

Onwards and upwards. Ditch those who are not supportive and find solace in your new supportive framework of friends.

ScreamingLadySutch · 08/11/2019 18:28

Ditch anyone who does not care or support you. There are so many lovely people in the world, move towards them. It makes your world so much happier.

Original poster

GoingTatsUp · 08/11/2019 19:09

Thanks, that's what I needed to hear. Can't believe how many knives I've had in my back this year. DH turned on me then when it looked like it was all going tats up, his family also got the knives out when I'm blameless in all this drama. Feeling bruised and battered. Just had a milestone birthday and it's complete radio silence from some people who insist on massive fusses being made of them but I didn't even get a card off some of them. Even have sat there surrounded by cards in my house so not as if they didn't know. I'm talking close family and v close friends. Spent fortunes on their same birthdays and got dragged to restaurants, massive dos and forked our on thoughtful presents. But, not even a card.

I feel disrespected, hurt and like I'm not worth bothering about. It's nearly the end of the year and I want to change and this starts with respecting myself.

OP posts:

Theendofmyrope · 08/11/2019 19:13

Same here..... The events of this year have been truly fucking horrific for me and I have certainly found out who my true friends are.

PositiveLife · 08/11/2019 19:13

I've had similar. People who I thought were friends treating me like they don't care (but wanted me to support them). People who didn't care when my mental health was slipping. People who I encouraged to be part of the social circle I was in, excluding me, taking sides against me, etc.

But I also found people who did care, people who made me feel good. I walked away from the others. And when one of them (who had blocked me on social media and messaging) asked how I was doing I told her not to speak to me. I'm so much happier 6 weeks down the line 😊

SnuggyBuggy · 08/11/2019 19:15

I think focusing on those who treat you well is always a good strategy

converseandjeans · 08/11/2019 19:17

Aah that's a shame. I would phase the old friends out & focus on new ones tbh. If you do split with DH then you might find they side with him anyways.
Such a shame they never bothered with your birthday.

1moreRep · 08/11/2019 19:18

i'm sorry you feel you were let down but (as ive experiences this from the other side) perhaps your friends didn't feel strongly about birthdays. For me, one day a year doesn't make a friendship but calling the person, meeting up with them etc when it's not an important occasion but just because you love them is a better reason?

1moreRep · 08/11/2019 19:21

Also do they know you're struggling? maybe they don't realise? Some people put such a fake social media perfect life image out there and their sadness is missed? Could this be the case?

I just have been down like you and actually it's the way you interpret as much as that persons behaviour.

SuperbMonkey · 08/11/2019 19:24

2019 has been the worst year of my life. I too have found out who my real friends are, and who are my enemies. All we can do is look after ourselves and our lovely friends..

Original poster

GoingTatsUp · 08/11/2019 19:26

Thing is 1more, they clearly do care because we had to participate in massive parties, e pensive meals out and presents given lovingly. It wasn't a one day thing for them. It was more like months long celebrations.

It's not about the birthday TBH. It's about them knowing I was on my knees, then having a birthday was a chance to cheer me up a bit but they couldn't be arsed. I feel like I was down and then got a few boots whilst I was down there.

I've done positive things as mentioned and I will be OK. I just need to get my head straight and be stronger. I want to go into 2020 strong and be able to tell people to jog on.

OP posts:

Original poster

GoingTatsUp · 08/11/2019 19:29

They did know I was struggling because I confided in a few of them. Looking back I think their listening ear was more them getting the juicy gossip and having an alternative to Hollyoaks. I won't be telling them any more.

OP posts:

Walnutwhipster · 08/11/2019 19:29

I'm glad I learned who I could rely on. I'm so truly grateful for the friends and family who have supported me. It's been a shit year. I had major life changing surgery but I'd not be here now without it. The day after it I found out DM was dying of cancer. We lost her four months later and the loss of my lovely dog, aged only 8.

Original poster

GoingTatsUp · 08/11/2019 19:33

Sorry to hear that Walnut and also sorry for some of you it's been a really bad year.

I feel better after reading your responses. I'm taking it as a lesson learned that I now know who really cares about me and who are selfish b'stards.

OP posts:

1moreRep · 08/11/2019 20:25

how awful, but think of it this way, you just survived the worst year of your life. You are way stronger than you think you are.

Walnutwhipster · 08/11/2019 20:40

Thank you. I also find I no longer sweat the small stuff. Life may not always be easy but I think I have a great sense of perspective now.

billy1966 · 08/11/2019 22:38

OP, it sounds like you have had a really hard time.💐

Unfortunately I think it is a rare person, usually women, whom never have this touch their lives.

It is disappointing and often very painful.

I love the expression " I can be a learner or a loser".

You are allowed to be upset and sad. For a bit.

Then you need to try to focus on acceptance of what you cannot change.

Everytime you find yourself thinking about these unhappy thoughts try and remind yourself of all the things that are good in your life.

The people who have supported you.

The family members that were kind.

The good things that you have going on.

Even be thankful that you have come to know the truth about these friends, which has allowed you to appreciate other people.

You sound like a strong women who is dealing with the hard stuff and definitely will survive and thrive.

You have been given the opportunity to find space in your life for new, good friends.
Grasp it and don't dwell on those flawed characters you used to know.

Take back your power.

I'm wishing you well. 💐👍

RickOShay · 08/11/2019 22:43

Wise words @billy1966

Woodlandwitch · 08/11/2019 22:49

I had similar experience in 2015/2016 after leaving my exh.
Friends I expected to be supported were not even there at all.

I’m far better off now

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 08/11/2019 22:59

I understand op. I have had a similar sort of year. I am shocked at people who I thought were friends. One has accused me of awful things, despite knowing I've been dealing with quite a serious health issue. Being vulnerable shows the true people in your life

Fatted · 08/11/2019 23:06

In all honesty OP, the best thing all round is just to not bother with the people who have let you down. No contact, no fights, no fuss, don't even let them cross the your mind.

When I had my DS and really bad PND, I felt let down by a lot of people. But the best thing was just to let them go and not waste any more time on feeling bitterness towards them.

MiraLuna · 09/11/2019 10:27

This happened to me last year. Friends I had had for years revealed who they were. Were happy to come to me for advice and to dump all their problems on but as soon as I needed them they were always too busy or just nowhere to be seen. I cut them out of my life, have surrounded myself with a few choice people that have been there no matter what and I have never been happier. It's quality, not quantity. I wish you all the best, and hope you can find some calm, and create a circle of friends who will hold you up and treat you with respect.

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