Not sure how I feel anymore

[ThinkINeedAChange]

This may be long so I'm sorry in advance

Together with DH 12 years
Just after the invitations for our wedding went out I found he'd been looking at Gay Porn. Our sex life has never been great. He's not into anything at all. Just very same same. Lights off, missionary... anyway he swore blind that he wasn't gay but that he couldn't explain why he watched it. I believed him and we went ahead with the wedding. He said he would look again but sure enough I found it again. I never found anything to suggest he was looking to hook up with men.
So we have a child together now. Our sex life is still awful. I'm on the pill and it's killed my sex drive. The little I have left I just don't bother instigating anything because... Well.... I don't really get any enjoyment out of it. It feels like it's something he does as a function.
I get upset about it from time to time and used to bring it up but now I don't bother. I feel so unloved, undesired, unwanted.

Here's the thing though. I don't want to split my family up because I am unhappy. We work well together most of the time.

He has grown up in a home where his parents showed no affection and I think this has had a huge impact on him.

There's a part of me that wants to leave but I know I don't want to start dating again. I really don't. I don't want to be with anyone else and think if we split that I would choose to remain single. I know it would deeply upset our child and I don't want that either.

I just needed to get this off my chest. I'm crying now because I can't stand the thoughts of living the rest of my life like this but I really don't want to be with someone else.

I'm not sure I love him anymore.

I am sorry OP.

What are the reasons that you might want to stay?

Horrible as it is, you have two choices. Two. That's it. There is no grey area here that I can see.

1. Stay and be miserable, crying because you feel unloved, undesired and unwanted. For the rest of your life. A life with a man you believe is gay sucking your confidence and esteem. Until your old and grey. For ever.

1. Face the reality that that what you 'want' is NEVER going to be reality in this relationship and step into the unknown with the hope that you may get what makes you happy and fulfilled eventually.

How you feel now about dating again is not fixed and permanent. This could, and probably will, change as your life moves on. It's a reaction to your present circumstances.

Hopeless vs. hope. No chance vs chance. No change vs change.

@Ilovethekitties I want to stay for security for our Child. We have a good relationship. We rarely argue. We can have fun. I just never thought I'd give up on a physical relationship at my age. (I'm not yet 40).
@Thingsdogetbetter the thing is is that I genuinely don't believe he is gay. I think he is more likely just not a sexual person at all where I am. Things were a lot better at the beginning than they are now. But instead of getting more confident in himself as they years have gone on, he seems to have gone the other way. He said he watched so much porn before we met that he just became desensitised... The death grip I assume and he's just never recovered from it. He swears he's stopped viewing porn and I do believe him. He uses a shared device for internet, has no access on his phone to internet.
The thing is I know for certain that I will never bring another man into my child's life. I don't want to.
You are right though my self esteem has eroded a huge amount. I have put on a lot of weight which doesn't help the situation either as I know he's more attracted to thinner women.

So as not to drip feed we have tried councilling before. He had a private session as I insisted that he go alone so he could discuss things he might be afraid to tell me. He told her he fancies women and fancies me but that he just isn't that into sex.
We then attended a session together but ended up as we always do at home back to square one. Our sex life improves for a short time, We become more intimate and then it dwindles back to once or twice a month.

I'm sorry, that sounds really distressing.

When you say about wanting to stay for security for your child, what about this?

He has grown up in a home where his parents showed no affection and I think this has had a huge impact on him.

I don't want to add to your upset but it seems like there is quite a high risk of that cycle being continued with your child? Are you ok with that?

Of course he’s gay.....that’s why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. Brutal but true.

I don't really get why someone who's not interested in sex or is asexual would watch porn. But maybe I'm missing something.

If he is gay and has spent the best part of four decades denying it to himself and everyone around him he's going to be pretty invested in protecting that position. I think it would be highly unlikely someone who's spent forty years trying to live as a straight person and convince everyone and themselves they're straight would suddenly just come out to a therapist the first time they met them. It's not how real people behave.

You dont have to bring another man in to your child's life if you dont want to, but, it isnt stay with a maybe asexual man in a family or bring another man in to your child's life!
Take it a day at a time. A year at a time.

I was single for 5 years and rebuilt myself in all the ways i needed to. Im seeing somebody and it is easy respectful affectionate and fun and my teens have met him but they have their own social lives and i dont force a relationship. It isnt a negative or harmful thing for them though.

It is soul destroying being with somebody if it isnt right. Far less lonely being alone. I was less lonely alone than i was with my xh.

Of course he’s gay.....that’s why he doesn’t want to have sex with you. Brutal but true.

No. He's bisexual. And probably trying the society thing of being with a woman, marriage, etc.

My gay friend tells me a gay man does not get turned on/has an erection with women.

Sorry you're going through this OP. There really is no shame in cutting ties loose and being a Solo Parent.
Better that than bringing a child up in a "false relationship".

There could be someone wonderful for you out there in your future.

not yet 40?? FFS! I am having the best sex at 64!!

If he wasn't interested in sex, why would he look at porn?

Surely you only have his word for it that he only looks at certain things online (people can I think do incognito mode or something, or clear history.)

Presumably you only have his word for what he said to the counsellor- even if the counsellor themselves said he said that, a lot of/most people wouldn't open up to a counsellor completely or start to consider how they feel in much depth after just one individual session, anyway.

@theboxfamilytree sorry I meant to him. I didn't mean each other. His parents raised children without showing them any affection at all. They were strict and never made the kids feel special at all.
I want our Child to have a permanent home I don't want shared custody. I don't want to spend Christmases and birthdays away from my child. I know if I wasn't around that much his parenting style would resemble his parents and I don't want that. I want my child to know love and to know they are special all of the time.
@Bluestripeddress I don't thinks it's as black and white as that but thanks for commenting.
I can't explain it but I genuinely don't think he is gay... I know nobody knows what's going on in someone's mind but I just don't get that from him at all. I know he fancies other women.
Thanks @NotaWagon. I do feel lonely with him sometimes but he is my best friend too. Our sex life in the beginning wasn't so bad. He's gotten better in one way and shut down in others. It's just the same thing all the time.
I feel incredibly selfish for wanting more.

@Iflyaway he's never had an issue there. It's more the lack of variety that's the problem. He could possibly be bicurious. I don't think he's ever acted on it or intends to either.

As for the internet, he doesn't have access to internet on his phone. The iPad is only used downstairs, usually when I'm there. He never takes it to bed. I know about in private browser but I believe him when he says he hasn't looked. He's become quite anti porn lately with some of the stories in the news lately.
Maybe non sexual isn't the right term but he certainly has a very low sex drive.

You are not selfish wanting "more".

You only want your relationship to feel right.

Every gut instinct you have is telling you that something isnt right and you are trying to rationalise that away.

It doesnt have to be black or white he is a bad guy or he is a good guy.

It's a grey situation perhaps but that doesnt feel right.

Trust your gut.

I bet if you take the initial steps to end this situation, feeling conflicted as you do because he is not a bad guy, a year from now, you would just shake your head in wonder that it did feel so confusing.

@NotaWagon in some ways I want my child to know it's ok to go after what makes you happy but I want my child to be happy and that's only going to happen by continuing as a family. I know my child and I know a separation would be devastating. There are already anxiety issues there and I can't make them worse

How do you know that your child cannot be happy in any other family set up than the one you're in.

Not trying to upset or provoke here but i think people often convince themselves of that because it is easier to believe you're not leaving because staying is what is better for DC than it is to face up to the fact that you're paralysed with indecision and scared of uncertainty in the future.

Ps i do sympathise but anxiety issues could be coming PARTLY from his own fear of change. Is change as bad as fear of change? My own DC are happy and one has a sn.