My marriage is slowly dying:(

[dustybrother]

Together since 2003 and married eight years. We have one daughter aged six. We both have high pressured, full time professional jobs. A distinct lack of intimacy over the past three or four years to the point that we’re living like housemates. I really don’t want us to separate but the lack of intimacy and closeness is slowly killing me. My wife hates to kiss/hug whereas I’m much more tactful. Financially we’re in a really good place so no money worries, but always seem to be too tired at the end of an evening once tasks are completed. Any thoughts on how we might rescue thin

Have you spoken to your wife and asked her how she feels about your marriage?

Yes we talk about it, both say that we’ll try harder and then we slip back into the routine of life again and another week/month has passed. A number of events have happened recently that have made me realise that life is too short to be unhappy like this.

Can you find somebody to take your child for the weekend so that you can both have a weekend in the house alone. Just being together, sleeping in late etc

The problem is there have been so many arguments over the years I just don’t feel like it. I have posted on here before about how my wife hit me, and it has put me off being intimate

“A number of events have happened recently that have made me realise that life is too short to be unhappy like this”.. what are those events OP?

Hi Felix, well my dad has been diagnosed with cancer at a young age (64) and I have just this need to feel wanted, if that makes sense

Well if you posted about her abuse then I assume we all told you to LTB!?
It's really hard when a family member get diagnosed with cancer.
It makes you realise how short life is.
It makes you want to live your best life.
If money is OK what does separation look like?
Who is the main carer to your DD?
There has been abuse and for that I say end it.
It now sounds like you are ready to do just that.
So get the practicalities in place to enable separation.

Hi hellsbells, sorry but what do you mean by LTB? Yes you were all very supportive at the time. I’d say we’re 50/50 on the caring for my daughter. Separation would be very messy. My wife is from an EU country and would I think want to go back. Whilst I say money would be okay, as we live in an expensive part of London would still need to sell house and resulting money wouldn’t go far.....But you’re right cancer does change things as does wanting to try new things and being aware of life starting to move on so fast. I’m fully aware that life isn’t necessarily greener on the other side of course, same stuff to deal with.

May I ask why your wife hit you OP? There is never usually an excuse for violence, that would be a red flag to me.

I know money is a big issue when considering separation, but putting that aside for a moment, what other concerns do you have? Are you worried about not being able to see your daughter? Do you still love your wife and want to make things work?

You need to sit down and talk about it as it sounds as though you are estranged from one another.

LTB usually means leave the bastard.
Or leave the bitch, but I hate that word!

When she gets really angry/emotional about something she has a tendancy to lash out and it’s not very pleasant; I’ve tended to put up with it as it’s just her nature. I’m starting though to have had enough of it......

Yes my big concern is not being able to see my daughter and also losing friends as a result. Deep down I think I still love her, or at least what we used to have....that’s almost faded to nothing. I think long term she would want to move back to her EU country with my daughter (which she can’t do without my consent). We’re very good at putting on a front so nobody would know we’re having such problems

I’ve tended to put up with it as it’s just her nature
Dear god OP - can you imagine a woman saying that about her partner who hit her!??
NO????? It's the same which ever sex it is.
It's not acceptable.
It may be in her nature to be abusive but you should NOT put up with it!
Not at all!
Stop minimising this. It's not OK! Not on any level.

I think you need to be clear with her that the progressive distance and disconnect in your marriage means that you are now considering divorce, and that while you love who she was and what you had -it’s not what you have now. If she is willing to take responsibility for her part in what’s happened - and wants to change and save the relationship, then counselling may be a way forward. If not then it’s ‘ducks in a row’ time.
But you owe her the frank conversation at least?

Bloody hell. It's not bizarre that intimacy has died between you and someone who might hit you at any time. What I find odd is that you want to be intimate with her.

Personally I hope I would feel able to leave a situation like this but I know it's not easy. Are you ever worried that your wife will hit your daughter? You could report her and make her face some consequences for her violence?

I think therapy, for you, might help you understand more about why you are staying in a situation where you are being randomly attacked. I have integrative therapy which is fantastic.

Thanks everyone. We have tried marriage counselling and it didn’t get us far. I have been seeing a counsellor for the past year and a bit she said it was assault. I know what you’re saying and that you don’t understand why I’m still in the marriage, but it’s not as simple as that.

I’m not worried she would hit my daughter, she would never do that.

She does though have a very short fuse on occasions that I have increasingly found so difficult to deal with.

I have completely forgotten what a normal marriage looks like.

What is integrative therapy op?

Thanks hellsbells, so good to get another perspective......

When you had your joint counselling, were you both totally open and honest with your counsellor?
Did they know that she hits out at you and physically attacks you?
I suspect you held that back so as not to 'embarrass' your DW!?
Having said that, it's never recommended to have joint counselling with an abuser.
I'm also off to google 'integrative therapy'

Do you come from an abusive background?

Is this kind of fiery temper something you have witnessed from your parents?

Is it familiar? You need to get some help.

Like @hellsbellsmelons said this is abuse and neither sex should put up with it.

You need to stop enabling her behaviour and leave. Makesure you and your little girl are safe.

I hope you can get some support.
Here is a Male group in conjuction with Womens Aid for domestic abuse.
*Survivors UK
Mens advice Line
0808 8010327 or email
[email protected]
Opening hours Mon-Fri 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm.

Good luck*

It's just a type of psychotherapy. I chose it after some googling because it seems to mean a therapist who uses a variety of different approaches depending on what works. I once had some strict blank wall non talking therapy and I felt it was too rigid and unhelpful for me. But all these things depend on the relationship with the therapist.

You dont have to leave, you dont have to do anything. But you definitely dont have to stay with someone who 'cant control themselves' and 'lashes out'. If you are certain she would never hit your daughter, that's good, but it means she CAN control herself but chooses not to around you. Hence why I think therapy just for you would be so useful.

Thanks everyone, some really helpful and thought-provoking comments. I really am at a complete loss at the moment as to what to do. What I do know is that this can’t continue, I deserve to be happy. I am though very scared about the future. It’s like though I really can’t be myself around her anymore and I’m not sure she can be either. Do other normal couples in a marriage have long periods without intimacy? Just lying in bed together but nothing happening, moaning about how tired we are all the time!

Nooooo you poor thing, this is abuse, pure and simple.

I feel for you. I spent years with someone who blew hot and cold. While there was no physical violence, there may as well have been, as the emotional abuse hurt just as much, if not more, and had he actually hit me, I think I would have been out the door in a flash.

This is not right. If counselling does not help, then you need to separate. Do you want to get to 64 and still be so miserable?