Next Steps?

[BAC72]

So two weeks ago today I posted on here for the first time and was overwhelmed by the response and support (I’ve since deleted my post as I was anxious that someone would recognise it was me  ). A quick synopsis of that post: 30 years with my husband (married for 20) with two teenage children. My husband does nothing at home (that is not an exaggeration – absolutely nothing), we don’t socialise and if we have a drink at home, sit in different rooms, no sex (last time Dec) maybe once a year if lucky, no intimacy, no future plans, spends money, drinks too much and some other stuff I won’t post. I work full time and also look after elderly parents at weekend. The last few years have got worse and I’ve slowly stopped nagging and just became silent and sad but I honestly can’t take any more. It’s impacting the kids and the atmosphere at home is tense (although husband acts like all ok). Anyway, I found the courage and told him I think we should split up and calmly told him all the reasons why and that my self confidence and self worth over the years has slowly slipped away and that I no longer love him like a wife should. He was devastated and obviously said he would change and stop drinking and has asked for me to give him a chance to prove he can be a good husband and father. He asked for me to give him a month and if I still felt the same then he’d hold his hands up and walk away. This was during a phone call while I was at work and as I got upset couldn’t continue talking but didn’t agree to anything. That evening he was back to acting like nothing has happened. He has stopped drinking (it is only 2 weeks) and has totally stepped up in the last two weeks. For me nothing has changed. I still find it difficult to speak to him and I definitely can’t put a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok. He asked me the other day when I was going to start speaking to him again and I said I can’t just switch my feelings on and off and pretend everything is ok. I really don’t know what to do next. I think I do want to split up as I can’t see my feelings coming back. Even if he continues to do everything he’s started to do (I don’t think he will as he has never done it before), how can I fall in love with him again just because he’s lifting a finger? I’m also extremely angry that in the last 20 years he hasn’t made these changes when I’ve confronted him but only now, when I talk about splitting up, is he taking notice? Am I being unreasonable and should I make an effort and give him a chance? I honestly think if I stay it will be for the wrong reasons. Me keeping everyone happy and not upsetting anyone when, for the first time in my life I’ve actually taken steps to put myself first. It’s killing me knowing I’m going to break his heart and mess family life up for the kids but I just want to be happy and be me again.

Well to be honest, 20 years of taking the piss out of you has taken it's toll.
You've lost all the love and respect you had for him.
2 weeks of actually doing something cannot bring love and respect back.
It sounds like you have made up your mind.
You know this won't change your feeling towards him and you finally want to be free of it all and find yourself again.
It's all too little too late.
If you want to try though then counselling might help.
Even it doesn't help with reconciliation, it will help you to split up amicably.
I would also recommend some solo counselling for you.
You need to unravel what is going on in your head.
You are finally thinking about yourself and doing that will be very alien and having someone to 'sound off' of will help with this process.
Well done OP.
So glad you challenged him.
But as you say, he could have been doing this for 20 years but made the choice not to.
He chose to use you as a slave, carer, child minder, cleaner, cook, washer woman, with no thought for you at all.
It's fucking hard to undo 20 years of damage.
Certainly in 2 weeks!
It just won't happen that fast, if at all.

Hi BAC72,
I want to say to you what someone said to me when I was separating from my husband. There is no "bad enough" - you don't need to convince yourself, your husband or anyone else that the situation is "bad enough" for you to leave. All that needs to happen is that you need to decide to leave. If you don't want to stay in the marriage, you don't have to and that is reason enough.
Lots of love
AGITM

Thank you both. Yes I think my mind is made up as I normally don't act out on anything unless I'm 100% sure about it. But then I think am I just reacting because I'm angry....so confusing. It's just so hard knowing that you are responsible for breaking up the family unit and I don't hate him so it upsets me knowing he's going to be upset. I've been with him since I was 19 but definately now more of a mum/room mate than a wife. I just don't know how i can find the words to actually say that it is 100% definately over and do I do it now or wait until after Christmas for the kids' sake?

Make the split now rather than after Christmas.

Solicitors busiest time of year is January mainly because people in poor relationships hang onto give their kids a supposedly good Christmas . Your kids are teenagers and Christmas is but two days. Go on to teach them better lessons about relationships

Well it's not going to be easy OP.
No matter what you say or how you say it, he won't really hear any of it. Just that you are ending it.
So be truthful.
It's up to you when you do it.
If you think you can fake it 'til you make it for another 2 months then you can carry on.
Or..... you can free yourself and really enjoy your Christmas.
What does separation look like?
Will he move out?
Will you move out?
Are finances good enough to run 2 households?
Where will the DC live?
Who will they live with?
Access needs to be arranged and you will need to sort out who does what at Christmas.
It's a lot to unravel so just take it day at a time.

You're not in love with him OP, that could change with all of his positive changes and becoming the husband he should have been for the last 20 years but it would take time and unfortunately it sounds like this is only the start of the issue.

It also sounds like you deeply resent him for how he has treated you for many many years, I can not imagine any scenario where that resentment disappears. Despite a 30 year partnership I think and it sounds like you know that time is up.

For his part, he will no doubt have never realised just what you need to put in to make a marriage work. He will have put your previous protests down to moaning and I'd imagine is going to feel pretty hard done by when you confirm that things are over. But that's life, he played his cards and he's lost. He needed to be a husband all through your marriage, not just at the end of it.

I'm sorry that you've had to go through this, please make sure that you are clear in your mind about how the separation will work and implement it when you are ready.

I disagree with one of the PPs, I think you should clearly articulate why it is ending, why two weeks doesn't undo decades of neglect and how you cannot love him again due to how you have grown apart.

He just seems to think all is ok...I'll get over it and we will be back to normal soon enough (as Ive done in the past). I think he probably doesnt think Im 100% serious as there has been no fights, no angry words etc but done that in the past and nothing worked. Ive just silently let it all bubble away inside because I think whats the point

4 weeks in and I’m still no further forward. On Thursday I asked my DH to pick me up early from work so we can talk about us as nothing has been spoken about since our last talk. He is acting as normal (which, for the kids is great, but I still find it difficult to continue as though nothing has happened and feel like I’m in Limbo). I explained how a build of anger and resentment has replaced any feelings I had for him and my self confidence and self worth is at an all time low. He admitted that a lot of what has happened is over his addiction to alcohol. He didn’t drink every day but when did, he drank too much which resulted in a constant hangover and he said he thought about it every day. This revelation has left me even angrier as when I look back, we have missed out on so much due to him having no motivation to get up off his arse and do stuff. Even the relationship with my own parents has suffered as he was obviously too hungover to entertain them which resulted in them only coming to ours once a year at Christmas. Anyway we had to cut our chat short to get home for the kids and we are now back to him acting as though all ok and me back to not talking. He hasn’t had a drink now for 4 weekends and is doing stuff around the house but I honestly am struggling to see me getting my feelings back. I don’t have that overwhelming feeling that I hope all will be ok with us (as you normally do when you have a fall out with your partner). He is begging for me to give him a chance to get back to the guy I fell in love with but I really don’t know if I can or how I even begin to let him in as I’m struggling to let down this barrier that I have put up. I feel so guilty causing him this much grief when he is trying so hard but at same time I can’t help but be angry that through his selfish choices we are now faced with this situation. I think I just need help in deciding if I carry on as normal and hope it works out, give it a few weeks/months and try a bit harder to let him in or do I accept the fact that my feelings have gone? Even if we do try and make a go of it, will I keep going over what we could have been the last 20 years and let the resentment build up again…..

The trouble is, it's not about chores.

It's about him showing you, over and over again for years and years that he doesn't give a shit about you as a person.

So, because you weren't born yesterday, you presumably know that all the begging is simply because he doesn't want his life to change, to be alone, to not come home to dinner and pants washed. It's cetainly not because he loves you and couldn't bear to be without you, the person. If he loved you, he wouldn't have spent years treating you like nothing. Remorse and oh I'll do things differently are nothing short of a kick in the teeth really - so he'll basically treat you like shit by choice, and only act like a decent partner if it's to save his own (comfy) skin? Ooh thanks. I never knew you cared

I think you just need to make plans to leave. The guy you fell in love with decided to change a long time ago. It didn't just happen out of the sky. There's no 'going back'.

@FizzyGreenWater this is what Im struggling with. After all the times Ive said I need help and cant do this all on my own etc he chose NOT to change it then. I just cant see me forgetting that so easy. I feel so bad and guilty..we were so strong at one point. But its time for me to be strong I think...dont want to find myself still like this in 6 months time. Thank you

I feel so guilty causing him this much grief when he is trying so hard but at same time
This is the problem - basically with society.
Just because a bloke decides he will change. Us, as women are expected to immediately forgive and forget years of shit behaviour.
It doesn't work like that - it CAN'T work like that.
You have years to untangle here OP.
You cannot just 'get over it' in a matter of weeks after years of abuse.
And actually, why should you?
I'm not surprised you are struggling.
What HE has done over the years, means that you have lost all the love and respect you ever had for him - years ago!!!
That probably won't ever come back.
And if it does it will take a long time.
Don't expect miracles OP.
Take it each day at a time.
See how it goes.
In honesty, I'm not sure he can maintain this for the longer term.
That may also be in the back of your mind as well.
You don't want to let that wall down because he may revert to type at any minute.
Please be kind to yourself.
Stop feeling guilty. THIS is all on HIM and his crap and his addictions and his abuse. You've done nothing wrong.
Get out of that mind set!

I think you've tried hard enough over the years, op. It's OK to stop.

After all the times Ive said I need help and cant do this all on my own etc he chose NOT to change it then. I just cant see me forgetting that so easy.

But why would you be so unintelligent as to 'forget' that? That's the most important piece of information that you have to make a rational assessment of the situation.

If you look at it totally sensibly, you've got two 'responses':

1. When he's comfortable and secure and doesn't think he's risking anything = he demonstrates to you that he does not give one shiny shit about how you feel.

1. When he is at risk of you leaving and him losing his very comfortable looked-after life where he has someone who cooks, cleans, manages = he demonatrates to you that he is so sorry and really regrets his actions and he couldn't live without you and he's horrified at what he's 'become'

So did you come down in the last shower or not? Actually you don't even have to answer that as, as you say, he hasn't even actually changed at all. Stopped drinking, paid lip service - then it's business as usual because you know what, the man you married way back then who would have known that this is all wrong just does not exist any more, if he ever did. You're being completely mugged off.

This effort he is making now is unlikely to last. You don't suddenly change overnight after all this time. He might keep it up for a while but it will slowly but surely go back to the way it was. I would make the break ASAP.

Thanks everyone I know all this but doesn't make it any easier :(

@category12 - wow - 4 small words - that got me !! Thank you.

I needed to hear those words at one time.

BAC72 - your story sounds so much like my own . It’s our 20th wedding anniversary next month and I’ve decided to not waste any more years on this marriage , have told him we can’t carry on like this. Category 12- “ it’s ok to stop” , was just what I needed to hear too .

Going through something similar. I tried talking (and sometimes getting angry about things) for a few years and then, the same as you @BAC72 , I retreated into myself and let it bubble away inside - no cross words, no arguments because ... what’s the point.

But, I’ve now realised that this is worse because when you bring it up that you are seriously unhappy they are completely blind-sided, they never saw it coming as “you never said anything”. In hindsight I shouldn’t have gone quiet about stuff, if I was unhappy I should have said and then I should have left, but I sort of gave in and went along with it. That sounds a little like what has happened to you. And that’s dangerous, because years down the line it is so much more difficult to leave. And if you don’t hate them, it’s really hard to see someone who you still love (not in love, but care about) being really hurt and upset.

I don’t disagree with other posters but my experience is that these types of men are not deliberately lazy or difficult, they just don’t think. They don’t think about what needs to be done with kids and housework and stuff, they just roll along in a blissful haze and the less you say the easier their life is and they have no clue there’s anything wrong.

Hugs

@GingerFigs you have got it..this is exactly my situation :( Sorry you are going through the same and hope it all works out for you. Thank you
Sending much love

So i managed to get thru Christmas and New Year. I continued to remain silent for the most part - unless the kids were around - and continued to keep this huge barrier up. He has still not had a drink since October - which I'm really surprised at and although he is still helping out etc it has dwindled a bit since our conversation back in October but a HUGE improvement on previous. But here's where it gets worse....last week I was feeling quite emotional about the whole thing. Thinking about my future and how I was going to have to sit and have the final conversation about leaving (even though it was still the scariest thing ever) and when and how I was going to do it. So i had a few glasses of wine, jumped into bed, told him I love him, I'm staying and had sex!! WTF! I woke up the next day feeling completely miserable and wondering what on earth I had done while he was walking around like he has won the lottery. Things have eased a bit i.e. there is no tension but I'm still quiet, still don't have my feelings back and am back to square one.... what do i do??

I've now resigned myself to the fact that I now need to give it a chance - if I get my feelings back then great, if not - well at least I've given it one last shot! Help !

What do you want help with exactly OP?

No one here can hand you a backbone, it's something you have to develop yourself.

Leaving someone is never easy and it's your life. Bite the bullet and get legal advice or stay in the position you're in. It's your life, your happiness, your mental health and it's your decision.