Feeling guilty about ending it........

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I love my partner and we're friends and we parent well together. But for 10 years now we haven't had much sex. The last few years I've discussed sex with him and said what I'd like but he isn't that interested or sometimes finds it hard. There is in general a lack of intimacy and romance between us. We've been together a very long time. But to be fair there wasn't this romanitic/passionate spark at the start. So it's not like it was there and then it's obviously faded. We've tried counselling briefly, I've read alot of relationship books. We've done alot of talking. I can't so far fix it.
I've been umming for years now. I never ever end anything in life. So this is unusual for me. I know you're supposed to work it out. But I'm done. So much of my energy has been put into this area over all the years. The energy input has never been mutual. I really want a bit of fun before I get too old. However, it'd be easy if I hated him but I don't, I enjoy his company in any other area.
But now now I'm feeling so guilty!!!!!!! He doesn't want this. He could go on as we are for years/ever. We can't afford to split so we'll have to birdnest or something, neither of us want that.
I'm having a negative impact on people's lives, the people I love most in the world. And for what?
Any thoughts welcome, thanks.

Oh mate, I am in exactly the same position. No intimacy/sex/affection for almost nine years. Also, I have never ended anything either! I've previously had two long term relationships where I wasn't happy but didn't want to hurt my partner so just hung on til they broke up with me. Also the same as you, there was never a massive spark between me and dh, so there's nothing there to recover. AND also like you I want to have fun before I'm old, feel guilty about feeling like this etc.... but how long do you hang around???
I finally plucked up the courage to talk to him the other night and said I wasn't happy (about a lot of things) and now he is so sad and I feel terrible. I would hate to think I was going to make my kids feel sad too if things do break up, but honestly can you just put up with this forever? I know I can't, but am scared that I will. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone x

Bearski77 - Thanks so much for your reply! I appreiciate it. It's interesting there are so many joint things in common. I really don't end anything ever, I'm pretty passive. But for me there's something about being in my 40s that brings on the fact that life is so short. I get that no relationship is perfect but I wouldn't prioritise companionship these days - important tho' it is. We're goodmates who share a bed and a kid and sometimes that looks like an alright relationship. But there isn't that erotic element that is supposed to seperate friendship from relationships. I heard someone say that's what seperates them the other day and that stuck with me.
Your partner also sounds abit like mine in that mine is sad and has been everytime I've spoken about this. But sad isn't the same as 'lets figure this out'. I'm actually beyond that approach now but he's never had that 'figure out' approach and just gets sad. My instinct has always been to feel guilty and then comfort him, then do the emotional work myself.
Today I feel the guilt but am stopping the other responses.

I can't so far fix it
Of course you can't.
You can't fix a relationship on your own.
That is unrealistic and impossible.
I see you have a DC. Is that what is making it so difficult to end it?
Have you had a proper conversation about this?
He doesn't want this Well of course he doesn't.
I suspect you are his cook, maid, bottle washer, child minder, etc.......
He'd have to do all that if you separate.
But... YOU matter as well.
You don't have to be passive all of your life.
It's time. You are 40. Take back control of your own life.
It's short it's true.
Anything can happen and it can end just like that.
Would you want what you have now to be your legacy!?
I doubt it.
Have you lived your best life..? NOPE!
Only you can change that.

Wow! Ok, thanks hellsbells. That's a helluva response. Yes, dc make it difficult to end, would've done it years ago otherwise.
And sadly, I'm in my late 40s not just 40.
But yeah, I do have to take back control.
Problem is there's a lot to lose when neither partner is being a general scumbag.
But there is potential gain too.

Sorry - didn't mean to be too harsh.
I'm early 50's and very happily single.
Do what I want.
When I want.
With who I want.
Watch what I want.
Eat what I want.
See who I want.
Do hobbies I enjoy.
With no consideration for anyone else. (other than the puppy!)

You just need to realise you have not been put on this earth to pander to everyone else.
You are a person in your right.
You have a right to a happy life.
You do NOT have to settle.
But it's up to you to get out there and make it happen for yourself!

Good grief! I'm in my 60s and couldn't live like this. If I have a man I want sex too, not just companionship!

Ambivalence and fence sitting is horribly painful. I was there myself in a previous life and I now am not and the relief and space it has given me back is amazing. You’ve tried to change things and it hasn’t worked. You say the relationship is good in many ways but a good relationship isn’t characterised by constant feelings of unease and going round the same old problem and not feeling right - just feeling that way uses so much energy. Personally, what helped me was a book called ‘too good to leave, too bad to stay’ by Mira kirschenbaum. It helped me realise that I was trying to fix an unfixable problem in the relationship by balancing everything good about my ex as a counterweight to that core problem in our relationship. But lovely as my ex was, the problem was not counterbalance-able. I was also not listening to my gut. If your gut is telling you that you need some sexual passion for a happy and fulfilled life, then listen to it. It’s not an unreasonable thing to go for in life.

Mariana - thank you! I think I'm going to read your message every day for a month. In fact I may write it in my diary now. To wake me up!

carzyhead - again thanks! Listen to my gut again should be a mantra. Surely a lot of us women need to remind ourselves of this. I also think sexual passion scares me a bit. I've only really tuned into myself in my 40s (abusive childhood) and I do now know what or who I want. But owning that or indeed going for it (and affecting lives in the meantime) is challenging. But as Mariana paraphrases I do want sex - not just companionship.