Please help me with supporting my DSis - going to send her this thread

[ControversialFerret]

I was going to NC but what the hell.

My DSis is lovely and married to a complete narcissist. It's not my story to tell, so I don't want to blurt her personal details all over MN but he's the classic control freak piece of shit, with a wandering dick to boot.

They have been together a long time - kids, mortgage and so on. Her confidence is at rock bottom, she has no money and is jumping through all the hoops right now in the desperate hope that something will change.

I saw her today for the first time in a long time and we had a great conversation. I told her about Women's Aid, grey rock, the script, coercive and financial abuse and about the Lundy Bancroft book. I also told her about MN and the very wise women on this board who have been through it and know how these men work.

I'd be so grateful if anyone would be able to share some words of wisdom to help give her the confidence to try and break free. I'm going to check back in regularly and am planning to send this thread to her to read through, in the hope that it helps her.

Thank you all in advance.

Sorry no advice but I'll bump this for you

Your poor sis. I would say to her that she only has one life, one small fragment of time and it is way way too short to waste it on a man who doesn’t love her & treats her badly. Also it’s a terrible example for her children to see her treated like this. They will grow up thinking this is normal & how it should be

I don’t have practical advice to give but I know lots of other MN.

Good luck OP sister x

She will burn herself out trying to please him.
She will always be in the wrong.
It will be her fault when things go wrong.
She'll be "mental" for objecting to certain behaviours.

Ask her where does she see herself in 5 years time?
Ask her what it is that he has that makes her stay?
What does he bring to her life?

I think your job role is to let her know she can come to you, always welcome at yours and no judgement.

Some people have a fixing complex where they need to put things right and fix people. Some people cant and dont want to be fixed and by time she sees it, it will be too late.

Thank you.

Ohno I think you've totally nailed it. He's a complete gaslighter and really insidious in his behaviour.

My instinct is to get in my car, drive back to where she lives, scream at him, pack her up and get her out. But I've spent a long time on MN and I know that the decision to leave has to be hers, and that trying to lead her/tell her/pressure her etc., is not the right thing to do.

That's why I started this thread; I'm hoping that if she reads about other women it will make it seem less impossible.

I've signposted her to WA and about coercive control, but I think she's frightened that because she's articulate and comes from a 'happy middle class family', that she won't be believed.