How and when should you set boundaries?

[daddycool1989]

I've always found this a really interesting question and this blog post has a really useful analogy and makes sense to me. Every child is a river! Have a read: paddington.blog/2019/11/07/every-child-is-a-river/

Any thoughts? How much freedom do you give your child? Also, how do you enforce your boundaries? I know some people still do "controlled hitting" which I understand but, for me, is flawed by the fact it makes violence an okay form of expression.

But anyway, what do you do? How do you get them to the "sea of happiness" (from blog post) ??

I think I've always set boundaries of right and wrong from the first time they threw a spoon off the high chair, saying no, picking it up, saying no again, even when they didn't understand it. So the boundaries were there before they realised what they were.

What works for me and mine (now 8 and 6) is for me to remain calm and talk through things, explain why certain behaviours aren't acceptable, make it a discussion with open questions that make them consider their decision making in a bid to help THEM make the right decisions for themselves in the future. I'm not saying I never shout or get it wrong, I do. Often. But then I always try, when I've calmed down, to explain what was wrong about my behaviour, and apologise. I also tell them it's ok to tell me if they think I am not listening etc. More recently with my eldest she has sometimes said to me "you aren't listening to what I'm saying". It makes me stop. And why shouldn't I be called out on my poor behaviour?!

I think communication is the huge key, and them being inspired to know their feelings are valid and I don't get to tell them how to feel. And to acknowledge we will rub each other up the wrong way sometimes.

In terms of "punishments" I never say things that I won't do. I remember long before I had kids hearing a woman in a supermarket say "if you don't do X you won't be coming on holiday with us tonight". I just thought what utter BS!! I have been known to say "you can do x that I've asked you not to do but the consequence will be five minutes sitting on the step. It's your choice". Probably a bit of amateur psychology but it makes them see they HAVE a choice but that some choices have consequences and makes them think it through whilst weighing those up. How badly do you want to do X? Is it worth the consequence?

So that's how I set my boundaries, but I guess until they're all grown up I can't be sure if it's working!!