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Original poster

Wwyd about this? Please reassure me

19 replies

Pumpkinspicewhatever · 07/11/2019 15:55

Can anyone reassure me please as I am sitting at work feeling really shit?

My dh’s beloved granny has died this morning and he has had to fly back to his nearby home country as the wake is today and then funeral will be at the weekend. She was a lovely lovely woman and I will miss her a lot.

For info: We have a dd aged 5. We both have quite demanding FT jobs.BHis work have been great and given him compassionate leave for the rest of the week. I can’t get this- I do have one day of annual leave left for the rest of this year which i was saving in case I need it for a sick day for dd, or to use over Christmas. I’m very practical and told dh to fly home ASAP today and I would manage school dropoff tomorrow (usually he does it) and fly with dd after school in the evening. This means I can work from home tomorrow to finish my work for the week- it’s a very busy time of year for us. I won’t miss work and dd won’t miss school. Dd is holding up well, she’s young and not too clued up on death and because of the distance she wasn’t super close to her great granny so while she understands it’s sad, it didn’t really occur to me to take her out of school tomorrow. I booked the flight early evening tomorrow and we will stay over the night before and night of the funeral, coming back Sunday.

However it’s really eating at me that I’m somehow letting down dh. I’m practical and thought it was very important for him to get home ASAP but that it’s ok for me to get there tomorrow evening. However my BIL and SILs spouses are both going to be there tonight (they don’t have school age kids if that makes any difference.) We will miss the wake tonight. And while dh is stoic and tough I know he’s obviously going to be really upset. I know there will be lots of people there from his family today and we will see him tomorrow evening and all be there at the funeral. But did I manage this ok? I sometimes worry I am pragmatic to a fault and that in sorting out the best way to manage my work and school I have somehow failed as a wife. Dh knows I am here at the end of a phone, of course. But what woudl you have done? Would you have taken the day off work/dd off school tomorrow and got the afternoon flight, or even gone tonight?

Please make me feel better and if you think I was wrong please be kind- it’s a manic time at work, I don’t deal very well with grief and I did what I thought was right at the time!

Thankyou

OP posts:
TheMustressMhor · 07/11/2019 15:58

It sounds like you absolutely did the right thing in difficult circumstances, OP.

It can be hard to get things always right, but I wouldn't beat yourself up about this at all.

PastTippingPoint · 07/11/2019 16:00

I think I would have done what you are planning to do OP. Your DH knows he had your support, he will be with other family and you are joining him as soon as you are able.

I work in a job where I would not be given leave in your situation, and have had to miss funerals of extended family, or family of my DH. It is what it is.

Be kind to yourself and safe travelling Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/11/2019 16:05

I don't think you're letting him down at all.

He will also have his family to grieve with tonight and you and DD are flying in tomorrow.

I can't see how else you could have done it without missing work or DD missing school. Really not sure why you're giving yourself such a hard time!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 07/11/2019 16:11

You have absolutley done the right thing and have remained calm and organised in a very sad and stressful situation.

Honestly there will be so many friends and family around and he'll be catching up and reminiscing with cousins and extended family too Flowers

feelingfree17 · 07/11/2019 16:20

You have totally handled the situation perfectly. DH has been able to get to his family and safe in the knowledge you are keeping everything as normal as possible for your daughter. He will get chance to catch up with family but also feel your love and support knowing you are on your daughter are on your way tomorrow.

Livebythecoast · 07/11/2019 16:32

Stop feeling like shit firstly! You have done the absolute best thing in the circumstances.
I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Derbee · 07/11/2019 16:36

I think you’ve absolutely done the right thing. Life is a balance. It’s not always easy.

Dissimilitude · 07/11/2019 16:43

You've struck exactly the right balance between getting over to pay respects, and keeping the show on the road and the plates spinning to let your DH get away. I'm sure he's grateful!

Nancydrawn · 07/11/2019 16:46

I think this was perfectly done. You made it possible for him to go quickly and easily, and you're wrapping up, packing up, and will join him for the funeral.

PP are right that he'll have plenty of people around for the wake—he will be surrounded by loved ones. And you'll be there for the funeral, which is in many ways harder and certainly less celebratory.

I think you've done wonderfully.

Groovinpeanut · 07/11/2019 16:51

You've definitely made the right decision OP.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/11/2019 16:52

You thought of the most practical thing in the situation, organised it so he wouldn't have to worry about it and you'll be there on Friday night to support him then. He will be greeting family and they will support each other. It is an ideal opportunity for them to have some intial alone time together. He will be fine.
It's probably possible to unpick the arrangements you made and find a different way of doing things but why? There's no right or wrong way.
I think you've been considerate and practical. Your DH and DD are very lucky. Sorry for your loss x

Flick9670 · 07/11/2019 16:58

I can't see any fault in what you have done and I would do the same as you, you have to be the practical one in this situation! Safe travels and hope it all goes ok x

MesmorisedByTheLights · 07/11/2019 17:03

I think you have done nothing wrong.

Your husband is with his family, so not unsupported or alone.
I am sorry for your loss,.

JoyceDivision · 07/11/2019 17:03

Sounds like a brilliant arrangement!

When my dad died I told DH he should support me by sorting home, DC, general.housestuff... i needed to know daily life was sorted out so I could grieve and your arrangements remind me of that, and it is s huge help, don't underestimate practical quiet actions Flowers

Pringlesfortea · 07/11/2019 17:15

You are doing great op ,just great and wonderfully supportive x

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 07/11/2019 17:15

You sound like a great wife to me xx

pog100 · 07/11/2019 17:52

Agree with all the above comments, plus I know grief hits people differently and she was "beloved" but there have to be limits to the disruption in the probably dozens of people affected as closely as you and your daughter.

Alicia9999 · 07/11/2019 17:54

You are doing the right thing OP. You're calmly holding down the fort allowing him to be where he needs to be, and you will be there to support him and his family soon. I don't think anyone could knock what you are doing.

theboxfamilytree · 07/11/2019 18:06

You've taken charge of all the thinking and planning and organising (of the kinds of things I've not felt able to do when bereaved) so he can focus on being where he needs to be and doesn't have to try and do anything else.

I'm not him (obviously) so can't know how he feels but I think I'd feel supported by your response.

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