should i give up on my brother ? advice needed ! (long- sorry!)

[indiasmum]

i was adopted as a baby and a yr and a half ago met one of my biological brothers. we get on well though he is unreliable and will put his mates before anything. i have come to expect this and am therefore kind of immune to it now. we (royal we- brother has made no effort!) have spent the past yr searching for our older brother and 2 montsh ago made contact with him.

however its not exactly going according to plan. after hearing he was excited about the discovery and wanting to know us etc i wrote him an email putting in photos and stuff and after about 2 weeks i got one back much the same and saying how excited he was and couldnt wait to hear from us and meet us.

so that weekend we arranged i would get the train to london where he lives and we would spend the day together. but at the last minute i got a text from him saying he was working. i couldnt get money back for ticket but didnt mind that too much just disappointed we couldnt meet. my other brother then went up and met him independently on the tuesday basically by just turning up at his house (he was up there to work so it wasnt out of his way or anything).

the following weekend he then decides he will come down to us and bring his partner and their little boy. he says he is going to drive down and will leave at 6am to get to us mid morning. so, i got some really nice food in to do a big roast and bought a little pressie for his son as a kind of 'welcome to the family' thing. 9.30am on the sunday, he sent me a text saying his son was ill and he hadnt left yet and he'd call me in a bit. he never called. about 3 days later i called him and he didnt apologise and mentioned that his son had had a chest infection (he must have known this on the sat night when i spoke to him).

so yet again, he says he will come down the following saturday on his own and stay the night and go back sunday evening. all day saturday i wait for a text or call and finally i get one at 4 o'clock saying he isnt coming and he has alot on. so obv by this time i am very paranoid and fuming i have let him do this to me again. whenever i speak to him its like he is totally unaware how much it upsets me (and i dont actually know him so dont feel i can tell him). after 3 or 4 days i still havent heard anything so i sent him a text saying that i wouldnt contact him again til he contacts me and that if he has changed his mind about meeting me or whatever or he is nervous thats fine, but i just want to know either way, i dont want to be messed around. he sent one back saying 'dont say that i'm dying to meet you and am upset it hasnt happened yet but my mates been arrested and have had to do things for him'. so ok i can poss understand a bit of that and it sounded hopeful that he actually meant what he said.
last sunday he phoned me and said he was going to come and visit me thurs or fri and what was best for me and i said fri. he said fine, he wuld come then, he even called our other brother and told him he was coming. but guess what??? no text, no call, and he didnt turn up.

now i dont want to be taken for a complete mug but equally i dont want to leave it really without getting to the bottom of whats going on. btw the arrested friend (a very good friend apparently) was arrested for something very bad, not just a bit of minor burglary (though that would be bad enough)). i only mention this because i find it odd he is helping him out and also you tend to have friends quite similar to yourself and he must have known what was going on if he is such a good friend. any advice gratefully recieved (if you have managed to get to the end of thiso sorry about the essay)

He is getting cold feet at the last minute.

I think he might have other pressures that he's not told you about - what about his parents and partner? He may not want to tell you the full story for fear of upsetting you and being rejected. He may have been telling you what he thinks you want to hear, rather than what he really feels.

I would send him a nice email - or, better still, phone him - and say how much you would love to see him, but obviously it's very difficult for him at the moment. There's no rush, you can keep your relationship to emails and texts until he's ready to meet up.

I've no experience of adoption, I should tell you, but it does sound as if he's unsure. Also, hard though it is, it might just be the case that this means more to you than it does your brothers.

Must be wonderful to find them after all this time though.

You could send him a letter saying that you would really like to meet him, but it doesn't seem the right time for him at the moment, so you're leaving it up to him to decide when that time should be.

Keep it friendly and light. And maybe suggest that you get to know each other a bit better via email before you meet face to face.

And then the ball is in his court.

Perhaps he feels it is all a bit full on - especially after your other brother turned up on his doorstep.

he's obviously just getting over-whelmed and "bottling it" so to speak on the day the meetings are intended.
obviously if he has no intention of ever meeting you he should say so early (which is what i plan if any bio-relatives ever come knocking) but honestly it doesn't sound like that is the situation.
as someone already said you should just let him know you understand if he isn't ready yet and that you'll be willing and ready when he is.that way the ball is firmly in his court as at the moment, what withm you making first contact he might feel it is all out of his control.

hi, thanks for your replies. the thing is i did give him an 'opt out' with my text and said what happens next is up to him. and he was still keen to assure me he still wanted to meet me and couldnt wait. he has been the one suggesting the meet ups down here. his partner seems really nice and she says how pleased he is about it all and how he is looking forward to meeting us.

bump

Maybe it was him not a 'good friend' that was arrested?

ooohhh, hadnt thought of that. how dumb am i?

GOD, you're not dumb! Not in the least. You sound very caring and loving and forgiving. But I wouldn't set myself up for disappointment with your brother(s) again if I were you. Sounds like you've done your very best. Let them come to you but don't let them take the p*ss. Be a bit wary because they've already cheesed you off!

thanks, i will. am completely going to leave them to it. unfortunately they seem to have so little self- awareness that even if i were to point out how unreasonable they were being i am sure they would manage to turn it around that i had really hurt them (like first brother has done before).
needless to say if i find out second brother is involved in the arrest thing in any way i will wipe my hands of him. its a drugs charge btw. cant really say any more partly because i dont know that much but do know its a big deal. happy to say its way out of line of my life and personal experience!

indiasmum I wouldnt put yourself out anymore, you have done so on several occasions and it cost you money, I would just sit back and let him come to you, he knows how desperate you are to meet him so leave it up to him now

if, by the remotest chance, he contacts me now (which i dont think he will ), do you think i should mention this last failed meeting (friday)? and if so what should i say? i hate confrontation! [quivering wimp emoticon]

bump

No, I would just say that it's a shame you haven't got to meet yet. So therefore, to avoid disappointment again, perhaps it would be best to leave it as email and telephone calls for now.

If he does mention meeting you, make sure that he makes the effort not you. And tell him that you won't get anything in until you are sure he is actually on his way as last time you were left with a surplus of food.

I'd post the pressie for his little boy.

Keep in touch. Sounds as though he is very nervous about meeting but just too chicken to tell you that. He probably does want to meet, but at the last minute can't face it?

Why not just keep to an e-mail correspondence, or letters, for now? Don't even mention meeting, just get to know each other that way with no pressure to meet. Keep them chatty and light and hopefully time will bring about a change in his feelings about meeting. You have to be looking at his actions here, rather than his words...he clearly is reluctant to meet even though he says he wants to.

But I wouldn't give up on him, as I say, just keep it non-face to face for now and let him go at his own pace (which you are obviously more than happy to do)

Best of luck

i think its wrong of him to just dismiss you the way he does, and you have the right to be pissed off with the way you're being treated.It seems to me that he just doesn't feel the same way about your meet up as you do.If it was me i would just politely ask him why he keeps making and breaking these plans.....and leaving it so late to let u know the circumstances

he is ignoring my texts, doesntr answer the phone and is a complete techno phobe-0 any emails have to go via his girlfriends work. wish i could get to speak to him to sort it out. i feel like i'm in limbo. it makes me extra sad because i didnt get a good response from birth mother when we traced her (actually thats a major understatement!) and he was shocked when he heard about it. so it seemed he wasnt going to be like that. whenever i do speak to him he calls me babe (which i bloody hate!) and sis and all that and it just seems so ridiculous when his actions dont match up.

i think it's impossible to know what he's feeling. perhaps he's on the wrong side of the law (backed up by the friend being arrested), maybe he's ashamed of who he is, maybe he can't handle the emotional intensity, maybe he wants to sort himself out before he meets you. this all points to low self-esteem imho. when he speaks to you on the phone, he doesn't have the strength to say he's not up to meeting you yet, so procrastinates, doesn't let you know what's happening and backs out at the last minute. he's ashamed now and doesn't want to take your calls.

my advice: cool it a bit. give him some space, then send an email in a couple of weeks saying something along the lines of when he's ready to meet up, you'll be here. tell him your news in a gentle way, and try not to be pushy or too enthusiastic, but on the other hand, still warm and friendly. difficult.

What does your other brother say to London brother's odd behaviour?

How did their encounter go?

Yes, he could be in trouble with the law, but he could also be telling the truth that it is his best mate that is in trouble. Only he knows, and I think all the speculation is only going to make you feel insecure and maybe make you do something that you'll end up regretting.

Did he know about his "extended" family (you and your brother) before you told him? It could be that he is just not ready to meet up with you.
He might need time to digest all of this.
He might need to talk through it all with his wife, child, mum, dad first.

It is quite often the case that one person is ready to meet up but the other person is far from ready, and sometimes have no intention of wanting to meet up now or ever.

By the way this post is meant in the nicest possible way, and I really hope that you get to meet him, and that he turns out to be a really nice brother that is just caring (too much) about a friend.