DP and his Ex's kid (not his)

[honeybumsugarplum]

need to off load and I don't know if how im feeling is unreasonable or not.

im divorced with 2 children. Been with new boyfriend for around 18 months. He was with his ex who had a baby weeks after they got together (she had no idea she was pregnant (not his), gave birth after stomach cramps) he stuck around. they split when the child was around 4-5 years old. child is now 10. they never lived together

When he left his ex he told me he would be called that the child would scream and cry that she wasn't seeing him so he then saw her.

The child sees him and calls him daddy and dp gets 'daddy' gifts on birthday xmas an fathers day. He absolutely spoils this child, basically what child wants child gets, and easily spends up to £100 on the child every weekend, meals out toys etc, which can be heartbreaking for me when im with them with my children they watch this child asking for things and I have to say to no to mine cause I cant afford xyz. I brought this up with dp who said hed try to get child not to ask for things when we are around

at first I admired his involvement however as time has gone on im not sure how I feel anymore. iv learned that the biloical father wasn't on the scene but has been for the last few years now and the child sees the bioligcal dad maybe once a month (he lives far away)
me and dp once went to a local park where we saw this child with the biloical dad, looks were exchanged between the 'dads' and I found it extremely uncomfortable.
he obviously keeps in contact with his ex for the child and when they message she always very friendly and sends kisses and heart emojis which he doesn't do back and says theres no meaning from her in it but still makes me feel uncomfortable.. I mean I certainly wouldn't do that to my ex.. and as far as im aware they were both single for a few years til he got with me, to which she then sent him a message saying she didn't want him seeing me when he had her child as he "had other days to spend with your girlfriend"...dp respected that at first then told her that he was with me long term and I would be in his life from now on and I think she reluctantly agreed I could be around.

My dp has made it clear that he will not play a step dad role to my children which I respected as I was not looking for a new dad as they have their dad in their lives.

Dp has expesssed hed like a child of his own with me which I was open to but the more iv thought about it the more I don't agree with the logistics? if that's the word.... he had said in a passing comment to his exs child if we had a baby this child would have a brother or sister.. I do not see it this way atall. if im around this child I look after the child as my own but I have no feelings towards the child.. to me the child is just his exs child nothing more. Im starting to cringe when I hear the child referring to dp as daddy. the child knows dp is not the "real dad"
I certainly feel a divide, like he has his "family" with his ex and me and my children wont ever feel like a family with him..

I feel like the ex shouldn't have allowed him to still be known as daddy, especially as he left when the child was still young.. or is that just unreasonable of me.. im probably making no sense here.. I guess im strugging with the fact that hes heavily envolved with a child that's his exs and he left when the child was young, didn't live together etc and I feel like I wont be able to move on with him with OUR lives if hes still living in his exs past. I just don't know what to do.. I love him dearly but this situation is making me miserable but don't know if im just being unreasonable, selfish maybe? iv tried looking for advice on similar situation but haven't found anthing. iv tried to talk to DP abou how im feeling but hes not easy to talk to and doesn't see a problem

Sometimes being a parent is more than blood / this is what he has with this child, he loves her and she loves him unconditionally. Whilst you feel he isn't that committed to your children that's a separate issue and shouldn't be pulled into his relationship with the child.

You either need to move on or walk away.

How often does he see this child?

So are you saying that sometimes you all go out somewhere and your boyfriend spend £100 on this girl while you and your kids are there? How does that happen?

My first step would be for him to reduce contact with the girl. He should be the one seeing her once a month and her real dad should be the one spending time and money on her.

It is unusual. I can see why he loves this DC. He brought her up she will always have a special place in his heart.
In his mind it is his DC, Imagine someone asking you to give up your DC.
He spent the first 5 years the cutest years in her life.
How could he not love her.
I agree with you about the spoiling stuff.
The DC should be treated equally once the relationship is serious, they all spend time together, it should be equal.
You are asking him to break her heart? How can he ask her to stop calling him Daddy.
I'd except her, talk to him about equal spends? She will learn it is different in Daddys house now.
He sounds like a bloke with a bug heart too.

He didn’t even live with the child, was around only 4-5 years and he’s been split from the ex for 5 years
Child is nearly 10.
He lived with her for 5 years.

I don't like the sound of this guy OP, he sounds fucked up

The only question for you is, what do your existing children get from this situation? I can’t see anything positive at all. End it for them.

If he wanted to keep his step child as his reaponsibility and your children and your reapinsibility, id say ok. A bit shit and damaging for them to think the other adult in their life isnt part of their team. But ok.

But wanting to add another child. A child he will care about. A sibling to your existing children who he doesnt? No. Just no.

Dump him asap

@Emeraldshamrock

OP clearly says they never lived together.

He was with the mother 4-5 years and they split and the child is now 10.

@NorthernSpirit I missed that bit.

Yep the problem is he wont be a step dad to your children. Take the other child out of the mix the inequality between a new baby and your children if that is his attitude going to be there. Then add the other child in and it is a recipe for disaster for your children

he isnt easy to talk to and doesnt see a problem? more red flags

What does he mean by he won't be .a step dad

Maybe he just doesn't see the relationship long term like you do. It seems you've been in a hurry to play happy families. What's the rush?

You've only been with him 1.5 years and already you want him to ditch his DD. She may not be blood but he has raised her and has been in her life as her father for 10 years now. Yes, they split when she was 5 but clearly he's been seeing the child regularly. The bio dad is in pic but she really doesn't know him. He doesn't live close by.

And you're upset he doesn't treat your DC as his own. He doesn't really know them that well yet.

I am a bit amazed at the comments that he should just ditch her. If he had adopted a child, should he ditch that one because it isn't his blood?

I would stop being jealous of and trying to compete with his DD because it's unattractive and he'll choose his DD over you.

Someone I know is in his situation. He has been involved in the children's lives since they were tiny and he was with the mother for 7 years. The actual father has no interest in them now, moved abroad and they don't even know where he is. The boys call my friend daddy and he has them 50% of the time, pays for their uniform etc. There is talk about adopting them, but that is complicated due to the father having disappeared.

My concern in your situation is that he doesn't want to be a stepdad to your children but wants a child with you. I can't see any good coming from that. I am imagining him spoiling your new child with anything it wants while your children sit there with nothing. I would walk away. Too complicated a situation with little real benefit for you

Agree with other posters. The issue is him not wanting to be step dad to your DC, not his relationship with a child he raised from birth.

DO NOT ADD ANOTHER CHILD TO THIS MIX, YOUR DC DESERVE BETTER

You can't have a baby with a man who doesn't want to have a step-father relationship with your DC- yet plays daddy role to another child

^ This.

• the situation is too weird for words, he didn't really raise his ex's child anyway so what's the 'bond?' Added to that the biological father is on the scene too.

Is your man competing for his ex's attention via her child, do you think?

Whatever it is he's more invested in his ex and her child, than you and your children. Please don't consider a man for a serious relationship when he's not interested in your children. They will know and will resent you eventually. It's not worth it.

& as said the whole set-up is weird anyway.

I'd be gone. The whole thing sounds way more complicated for a woman who has 2 children of her own to be concerned about.

He clearly feels like a father to this child whom he has known since birth. Seems reasonable enough.

He doesn't feel like a father to your 2 children whom he has known for 18 months and presumably the first 6 months or so he hardly met them really so he has known them as the children of the woman he is dating for about a year. Of course he isn't going to feel the same about them.

I think your expectations are unrealistic and I think you are recognising that this is a complicated situation. your boyfriend dumping the child of his ex isn't going to solve your problems.

I'd move on.

It’s most concerning to me that your partner refuses to be a stepdad to your children yet happily plays daddy to his exes child. Also really weird that he wants a baby with you in light of his refusal to be stepfather to your children. I would absolutely run for the hills if a man thought he could be with me but exclude my children - we would come as a package and I’d never consider being with someone who had pretty much made it clear that he’d never treat my children as family. Especially when he’s out with someone else’s child all the time, spending money that he’d never spend on my children. There’s being nice (having a relationship with the exes child would be nice) and then there’s being taken as a mug by ex (which is what it sounds like is happening here - ex sounds like she’s fully encouraging this relationship as it suits her! Free childcare and someone spending loads of money treating her child so she doesn’t have to!). If you had a baby of your own with your partner it would only get worse. If you become a family how could it possibly work?! Who is in this family - you, him, your baby, his exes daughter ... they’re all family members. And then your children are just your own as he doesn’t want to be stepdad? This whole set up is really bloody weird and I wouldn’t want to be involved to be honest.

I think it's good that he didn't just dump the kid once his relationship was over. I think all the posters who think step parents ought to just turn their backs on their step kids are really cold. If you're the kid in that situation it can be really traumatic - an adult is brought into your life, you're encouraged to bond with them and see them in a parental role, then one day you're expected to just switch all that off and never see them again.

Maybe this is why the boyfriend isn't rushing to act like a step parent to the OPs kids. Possibly he doesn't want to have to drop them if the relationship doesn't work out.

FineWordsForAPorcupine
Maybe this is why the boyfriend isn't rushing to act like a step parent to the OPs kids. Possibly he doesn't want to have to drop them if the relationship doesn't work out.
If he is even thinking like this, why is he planning to bring ANOTHER child into the mix?

Look, I'm not saying this relationship is a good idea - OP is clearly unhappy and overly fixated on reducing her boyfriend's relationship with his step daughter. They should def call it a day.

I guess I just disagree that it's "weird" or "unfair to the ops kids" that he still cares about his daughter.

It sounds overly complicated mostly because he seems a bit oblivious to the dynamics with the kids.

He clearly hasn't thought through what he'll do with 'his' daughter's demands graduate from a toy each time he sees to more expensive things like the latest mobile phone. His habit is to agree to anything even if wholly inappropriate because it's denying other children. For me it really doesn't matter who the other children are - you don't say yes to every demand and you don't give a treat to one child in front of others regularly if ever. The child should not think it's okay to keep asking but has learnt that it's okay from him.

For me it's showing a little bit of a cruel or perhaps selfish streak in him that he thinks her behaviour is okay.

If he doesn't want to be a step dad to your children how does he think it will work when you have a child?

If he means it's early days yet then just maybe it's fair enough but if he hasn't in a good way adjusted to the fact that there are 3 children in his life you can not have confidence that he'll adjust to 4.

Why did he not live with his ex? How much time did he spend with that child when he was in the relationship and why did they split?
Does he just like being Disney Dad?

How does he get on with your DCs - do you think he truly has bonded with them - or has he deliberately avoided doing so?

What is his definition of a step dad? Doing chores? Discipline? Financially supporting them? Giving emotional support? Putting them first?
What does he not want to do?

It does sound too weird and I would safeguard your own dc by taking a step back and possibly ending the relationship. If you bring a new partner into their lives it should be someone you can trust to be a good step parent, not an easy role.

Think about this from the child's viewpoint. For example, imagine that when you were a child your mum had a full time live in partner from the day you were born. Is it reasonable that because they split, he just dumps the relationship with the child? Poor kid- worst of all worlds. Your DP was quite happy playing daddy for a few years, remember, and this little bit is a real person. Why should he give that relationship up just because you don't like it?

For reference, I'm not in this situation myself.

He never lived with the child or the ex

I guess I just disagree that it's "weird" or "unfair to the ops kids" that he still cares about his daughter

The child is not his daughter. He wasn't with hs ex when she got pregnant by someone else & had this child. He's not lived with or raised child. Added to that, child's father is actually on the scene, its not as if he's disappeared. So the child has her dad.

OP this man is infatuated with his ex, and using her child to stay in contact with her. Also from what you've said it sounds like he wants to be in the child's natural father's way too. He's vying to be the main man, as if he's the one in relationship with child's mother.

I bet he wants a child with you so he's got you where he wants you/convenient home life whst he plays silly buggers mooning over his ex and a daughter he wasn't stepdad to, just an ex of her mum's.

Whole situation is too ridiculous and weird for words and it would be entirely unfair to drag your kids into this. He's not interested in them, and nothing about his chosen situation sounds appealing. You have a choice, tho - to not upset your children, not have a child with this man, and to leave him to his ex and their odd dynamic.

I'm surprised you can be bothered with him tbh, too much hassle for words especially given that you & your children aren't his priority.