Desperate help needed please

[HopeHelp2019]

I got married only 4 months ago. My relationship with my husband is unusual. We have battled through lots of hurdles to get to where we are now - we have different cultures and he has very unusual traits. He hates kissing because he is afraid of the germs. I mention this for a reason. The night before our wedding we had a huge row that involved both of our families and me actually asking did he even want to marry me. My dad had to stand and say do you want to marry my daughter and my husband was crying and saying of course he does. I feel it cast a shadow over my wedding day and my whole family and husband look back so happily to that day and I just don’t. It was an amazing wedding that should have been the best day of my life but I’m ashamed to say I don’t look back on it with the same happiness as everyone else. We work apart for a few months at a time. That is temporary right now because of course we want to be together more. We have just had an offer accepted on our first ever home together and are just dealing with the legal processing. And somehow I’m just not as happy as I should be.
I’m away across the other side of the world and cannot leave the job for financial reasons - we can’t have the house without this money coming in.
There is another man here who has feelings for me. I have never ever had my head turned not even slightly in the 6 years before we got married and now 4 months in I have a crush on someone else. We discussed it and he tried to kiss me. We didn’t kiss but I hate to admit that we hugged and he was moving his hands around my whole body. Since that moment I really can’t stop thinking about it. The guilt I feel for my husband is completely overwhelming and unbearable. But I also feel something towards the other man. I can’t seem to stop communication which is what I know I should do. It’s like I’m going through a secret breakup so I can’t get support from any of my friends. It’s tearing me up inside. I know it sounds like I don’t love my husband but honestly we are soul mates. How is it possible to feel things for two people. And how can I find the strength in my weak personality to cut off this other man. I have to see him every single day for 6 months and it is absolutely making my chest explode. From the outside my life should be so perfect but on the inside I am crippled with regret, guilt, confusion and anxiety. I cannot deal with it but I have nowhere to turn. The other man said he’s falling in love with me even though we haven’t even hardly been alone together apart from the one night for a couple of hours but the attraction is so powerful it’s really ruining my life. Please help me stop being such a bad person - it is not some thing I ever thought would happen to me and I simply cannot navigate this. Please, please help me.

Give your marriage time and talk to him about how you feel - often and openly.
It will never progress without respect for each other. Don’t dive in and do something you might regret for the rest of your life.
The grass might be greener, but usually that’s astro-turf!

Is the house you are buying in the same place as your husband is currently living? Are you planning to move back home soon, or will this working away thing be on-going?

I think if you have an "odd" husband who won't even kiss you, and presumably is reluctant to do other things if he is so germ-phobic, you arent being awful if you respond so physically to a hug from someone else. People NEED physical touch, its really important psychologically. Is your husband getting help for his germ issues? Does he hug you, even if he won't kiss you?

He does hug me a lot he just has no passion for me at all. I have known about it for a long time and we have discussed it, but no one has ever reminded me how it feels until this man at work. Another girl is interested in him and he told me he’s going to pursue getting to know her because knows nothing can ever happen with me because I’m married and the jealousy is absolutely engulfing me. And at the same time, how dare I!? The whole thing is such a mess. Thank you for replying to me.

You knew this and married him anyway. I cannot get my head around that. You either need him to get help for his issues and learn to be intimidate together or give it time then separate for the sake of your sanity. I can’t help but think you are potentially wasting each other lives by staying together, unless something productive changes. When you were planning the wedding were you happy to commit to a passionless marriage or had you already discussed counselling options for this? Did you ever talk about it before marriage? NAMBLYF x

Intimate*

I really just didn’t know what I was missing I suppose. He loves me so much I just didn’t realise what that side of a relationship must mean for me until someone else reminded me. I don’t ever want to break up with my husband ever it’s more about moving forward carrying all this guilt and also blanking our this stupid crush because I’m sure that’s all it must be. It’s just that now I’m stuck with the crush at work for 6 months and not my husband.
I’m really grateful to you for your discussion.

Yes, well, the chances are that it’s just a crush, but it really doesn’t sound like you have a fulfilling relationship with your husband.

I’m sorry to say this OP, but the things that are missing at the start of your marriage will only become more of a problem the longer you’re together, not less. It’ll destroy you in the end. I tried settling with someone who wouldn’t do certain things, important things I wanted to do. Not sexual, but just as important. I couldn’t do it. I ended up feeling resentful and like I’d been cheated out of a big part of my life. Please think very carefully about this, before you buy that house, because you can only squash things down for so long before you become resentful and it destroys your relationship, and you really don’t get that time back.

What is this house you’re buying? Is it where your his band currently lives? Will you be joint owners? When will you be able to come home to stay? This all does sound rather odd and worrying to me.

are you purchasing a home in another country, for your DH to live in, whilst you pay the mortgage from overseas ? or have I misunderstood this ?

I think you've made your mind up. It sounds like you regret getting married tbh.

If your post was after 10 or 20 years maybe there would be bedrock to work on but it's so soon to be this unhappy.

You say you don’t ever want to split up with your husband but that he won’t even kiss you? Are you intimate in other ways or are you effectively in a celibate marriage?

Maybe he's gay? Honestly, it's something to consider if he is reluctant to even kiss you....

I think your crush on this other man is because your marriage is already deeply unsatisfactory to you and will continue to make you unhappy if nothing changes.

A word of caution about the man you like: a man who pursues you whilst knowing you are married is unlikely to be a good sort, no matter how attractive you find him right now.