Do I accept a loveless marriage?

[50shadesofsay]

Been with my DH for 15 years. I'm 57 and he's 65. We've had general problems for a few years and without it being a conscious decision have stopped sleeping together for the last 4 years(apart from the odd night). I know this happens to many and we have also become a bit snipey with each other and neither of us really communicate our feelings with each other well. We've started to live quite separate lives too and are very independent. On the weekend we actually had a talk and aired some of our issues. DH has said he no longer wants a physical passionate relationship with me or anyone. He sees no point in working to improve this aspect of our life and said if that's not acceptable to me then I need to let him know. Incidentally by accident I saw that a woman had messaging him. When I questioned him about this he was adamant that this is nothing and no different to mutual female friends commenting on FB posts. This woman lives abroad, allegedly has a partner and is the daughter of a recently deceased neighbour of a friend of his that he visits every now and then. He got all, I'll say this only once on me that this isn't anything underhand. With all the above it has made me wonder. I know MNers will jump on that but bear in mind problems over years. Although I've found him (and 'us')increasingly frustrating over the years I was still hoping to turn things round. I'm a naturally affectionate person and miss even having cuddles let alone sex. Even if we improve our relationship in general, I feel to give up on a physical side at my (and his) age is surely too young and depressing? If we work on our issues(accepting that we're in a rut and both need to change)will those feelings return? Or do I accept he doesn't really love me anymore and go it alone? There've been long periods in my life that have been so awful that I don't want the rest of my life to be misery with someone who doesn't love me or wasting the chance for happiness either alone or even finding love. All my friends seem to either be in very happy relationships or have given up on men altogether. I really have no one to ask for advice.

Hmmm... you know what I'd do? I'd take myself a lover and to hell with him! He wants to live a loveless existence devoid of passion and intimacy then he can go right ahead - no reason you should have to.

He probably is having some sort of affair with this woman that's messaging him, either physical or emotional, but he's told you clearly that he doesn't want you.

It's up to you OP, do you want this for the rest of your life? Msybe start divorce proceedings and see if that gives him pause.

Thanks! I like your direct approach! Because of his emotional distance and general grumpiness with me, I'm not even sure I could say we're even good friends. When we discussed us, he spent a lot of time telling me how annoying he finds me and what will I do to change. He bizarrely said, what are you offering? He holds a grudge for past issues that he says he's put to one side but doesn't accept that I've been hurt, disappointed etc etc. He got cross when I told him he annoys me too. Don't all couples at some point? He went away recently on a long visit to his old buddy and didn't make contact in a whole month! It's tempting to settle and accept even though I don't need him for money or a social life. I'd like him to be his old loving self.

Yeah...this marriage is dead in the water. You're glorified room mates.

Why shouldn't you move on and have love and passion in your life? He has been upfront and told you he doesn't want you, you annoy him and expects you to chase after him.

Sod that.

Funny as I said last night are we just room mates?

Funny that as I said last night are we just room mates? I suppose my question is at my grand age do I just accept the security and how likely am I to meet anyone else?

Is this your second marriage? Kids in first marriage?

Flat mates? Living with someone pleasant is all I've ever wanted or needed. But my Dh is very caring.

Is it that your Dh isn't? Do you want passionate love and lots of sex? Was this marriage ever that passionate?

Second yes. We have 5 children between us, none at home. He used to be caring and I loved that but since retiring has become grumpier and grumpier. It's not very pleasant as he is so snipey with me(,he has promised to stop)and I feel that out of everyone I see, he likes me the least. I know you get into patterns of behaviour so I know I get annoyed when he is lazy. He thinks having a list of jobs in the house that needs doing (which he doesn't do) is a controlling thing. I think every house has a list of jobs. This might be too much detail.

We used to be very loving and had romantic meals and holidays etc but got in a rut in many ways. I've suggested counseling but he's not interested.

Go.
Whether you meet someone else or not, you don’t deserve the life you’ve got now.

What you have is not security.

I live on my own and may never be in another relationship again. I have security.

I came out of a bad relationship to live on my own and I’ve never been securer or happier.

He went away for a whole month and never contacted you?? Tell him to sod off, sounds like you'd have a better life without this miserable git.

You were out of touch for an entire month?!

I would think about separating/having an open marriage.

Sell up and go your separate ways. He's obviously checked out of the marriage. There's no reason to think you won't find someone else. Even if you don't you can have your own life and not have to be answerable to anyone else, especially not someone who thinks so little of you.

I'm not an open relationship sort of gal but you've all given me something to think about (not that I didn't already know it really).

Go. Either way you’re no worse off and at least you won’t have to suffer him.