Friendship group

[itsfreezing]

NC for this.

I'm in a group of friends, nights out, weekends/holidays away over the last 6 ish years. I'm close friends with 4, friends with 1 and other is a friend of the 1, tagged on to a holiday with us years ago and has been in the group since.

Our nights out are less frequent these day but on the last outing I was basically insulted by the friend of the friend. She has form for not holding her drink and being quite outspoken and rude (not usually within the group, to other people)

I was very hurt by this and decided that I wouldn't join in in future with plans that she was involved in (she's not always, sometimes it is just the 2/3/4 or us). It's getting to our annual Xmas night out and she has stated she is coming so therefore, I don't want to.

The thing is, I don't want to make a issue of it in the group and say if she's going, I'm not. I have not spoken about her upsetting me, it was witnessed by one of member of the group but not mentioned since so she isn't aware it is an issue.

I don't know whether to just carry on turning down invites or to speak to the 4 I'm close to and tell them my feelings? I just don't want to make it difficult for them.

I realise at the time I should have confronted the person but she's not the type of person to reason with after a few drinks!

I would just ignore it and go.

The rest of the group like her clearly, saying you won't go if she does wouldn't end well. They may then feel the group is fractured and you will have been the cause of it. This may lead to them not inviting you for being to sensitive when people are drunk and they feel they have to sensor what they say.

I have a group of friends about the same size, but we have been friends for nearly 20 years! Every single one of them has pissed me off with a comment or two over the years, but we are all human, we get annoyed. You may have been dismissive to her, she may be a bit jealous of you, your job, relationship, figure etc you never know what is going through peoples heads.

You just need to let it go, work on your friendship with her you might end up best friends with her in 5 years, you never know how things turn out.

A drunken comment on a night out isn't really a reason to hold a grudge for this long. And don't go and then ignore her, just let it go and on your next night out, try and get to know more.

I think if you exclude yourself, you may end up losing these friends over time, unfortunately. If you discuss your feelings with people who didn't see the exchange you may end up being part of increased tension and awkwardness.

If this is a lovely group of people, who are important to you, I think you should go along and not have too much contact with the friend-of-friend, but also not obviously avoid her.

If she says something rude or hurtful to you again, you could be ready to tell her that what she has said is rude or hurtful. Then you could ask her why she is talking to you like that, and tell her to stop it immediately.

Hilarious @funnylittlefloozie 🙄

What exactly did this person say to you that was so bad that you are considering ditching your group of friends over it? If I was one of the others I would be very confused about your decision not to join in future plans based on one person. Why are you giving them so much power over your life?

Id go but just wouldn't really engage with her. If there's a group discussion then join in but just don't end up chatting to her on her own. The rest of the group may not like her either and maybe they are just tolerating her. There's no point missing out just because she annoyed you. If she ever does it again call her out on it straight away. Alcohol isn't an excuse to upset your friends and she needs to be made aware that she's not a pleasant drunk.

I would still go. This happens in friendship groups and it isn’t pretty or nice. Someone in the (small) group I was friends with was rude me and insulted my looks . I was furious . But I got over it and feel so much better. Others are now noticing a few things about her too. Things work out in the end mostly .

I'm not considering ditching my group of friends over it.

It wasn't what she said it was the fact that she cannot hold her drink and usually insults someone or causes a bad atmosphere and I would be very uncomfortable now in her presence waiting for her to insult the next person. As mentioned we don't go out much now and I want to enjoy it rather than be on edge.

But your other friends aren't that bothered by her getting that drunk are they?

You can't not go out because another human might do something you don't approve of. You would never leave the house.

Some of the group have mentioned it before and I do wonder if it is the reason that sometimes the invitation is not extended to her although it is never all the other members with just her excluded.

She's not just another human though, she is supposed to be a friend. We never have anything like this in the group. We are all similar, get on well and there is never any animosity directed to each other or anyone else. Banter and piss-taking yes, but that was clearly not it

I think you just need to rise above it and carry on going out with the group. You’re being so petty and causing drama. If this friend is so bad they’ll all see it soon enough. Just ignore her, there’s lots of other friends you can speak to instead!

All right, marginally more constructive reply. Why should she stop you from socialising with YOUR friends? Go and enjoy yourself... and if / when she starts, very obviously get up and move your chair so you have your back to her. Or just literally turn your back on her. Its not hard to do in a group, and its a really clear signal.

It seems like you are cutting off your nose to spite your face here. And you are the only one missing out. I had similar in my group of friends. A close friend fell out with for reasons I wasn't really sure of. She excluded me from her hen do and wedding (fair enough, her choice) but we share a group of friends so we have to see each other. I will never be really friends with her again but I am friendly towards her on nights out as I don't want to lose my friendship group or make others feel uncomfortable as a result.

What drama am I causing? I have said I am not free on the night they are planning to go so They have accepted I have other plans?

I don't see it as missing out though? I'm not missing anything if she is going to start on me again? Which would make the group uncomfortable more than me going and ignoring her when they aren't aware of the reason?
The question posted was shall I discuss with the others?
Not if I should go out or not

I'm not sure I'd say something to the group at this stage. It's kind of putting them in an awkward situation, as they wither have to choose between you who to invite, they will feel like they're in the middle.

If there is any one friend that you're close to (not the friend of rude friend), I'd maybe mention it to them next time you're out, if rude friend does something you can use that as a reason to start a conversation about it and see if they are pissed off about it.

I'd maybe try and organise something myself, to something you know rude friend doesnt like or days she is busy so you dont have to see her.

Don't avoid your friends because of this one person. Maybe say something to her directly if she does something again

The question posted was shall I discuss with the others?

I think it will change the dynamic of the group if you start to talk about other members behind their backs. Ultimately could lead the group to fall apart, or for you to become the one that is excluded.

If you want to get it out into the open, then I would continue to go to the group meetings, but if this person is rude again, call her out immediately in front of the others, whether she's drunk or not.

Perhaps you could steer the group towards meetings that don't involve alcohol?

Why don't you say something when she's rude?

Even just a "What on earth are you on about?" and a "We can chat about it when you're not pissed."

Why don’t you message her rather than going to others. Yous are both adults and if I had pissed off my friend I would want to know about it. Don’t make a big deal out of it, just say you felt a bit hurt x

If she's going to be drinking , I would not even consider going... What I would do is stay at home in my comfies.. perhaps enjoying a glass of wine .. and wait for the news that she has insulted another member of the group .. because if you're not there, someone else will most definitely be in her drunken firing line, and therefore you cannot be blamed as the only one who has an issue with her... Don't let yourself become the fall guy for this clown OP.

Why don’t you actually tell the woman who was rude to you that she said something which upset you? If she was drunk and just being her “usual drunk self” then there’s every chance she can’t remember saying it or doesn’t realise it was something rude enough to upset you. If she’s quite thick-skinned and you’re sensitive it may not even have registered. It’s likely that if you discuss it like adults she’ll apologise and you don’t have to have all this fuss. People can’t put things right if you don’t tell them what they’ve done wrong.

But otherwise - don’t raise it with the others. Be honest with yourself: by doing so, what you really want is for the rest of the group to side with you, disinvite the other woman, say that you’re more important to them etc; and when they fail to do this you’re only going to end up feeling more upset. Go along to the usual events and just treat her as you would an acquaintance. You don’t have to pointedly ignore her, just give a vague greeting when you arrive and then spend the evening talking to the others.

Are you really not free OP or have you made that up to avoid seeing her? If you are free then you should go. You had one run in with her. It’s not the end of the world. You are the one missing out in spending time with your friends. They might eventually stop inviting you! You need to be careful. You are very lucky to have a group of friends. Lots of us don’t have that. Go along and avoid her. Sit opposite end of the table. It’s easy to do. When she starts getting drunk just go home. At least then you’ve had a couple of hours with your friends.

Oh and don’t say anything to anybody about this. It’s your hang up that you need to get over. If you say anything they’ll drop you for being over dramatic. Seriously OP, you’ve silently punished her enough. She was drunk, she acted like a tit, we’ve all done it. Time to grow up, forgive and move on. You don’t know she will do it again. You are assuming and missing out in the meantime.