Did you marry someone great but didn’t love as deeply as you thought you could?

[CallMeCarrie]

As the title really.

So many people I’ve met dating have been really great. Decent people who I could probably have fallen in love with over time, but I lost interest along the way and called it a day.

I want to feel like I really and truly adore someone. By this I don’t mean a fairytale romance with constant butterflies, amazing sex and no arguments. I’m very much aware that’s not realistic. I mean your own feelings about someone...that they may irritate you and you may have your rows but you just love the bones of them. Or did you settle with someone you liked, maybe even loved, but weren’t totally and completely ‘in love with’?

I can’t imagine marrying someone I didn’t feel I loved through and through. But the only men I meet are ones that I know I would love but in a less deep way. Not sure if this even makes sense but interested in views!! I’m not getting any younger!!! (35).

I married the love of my life. Adored him utterly and I'd been in previous relationships where the love had worn off after a year or so, but we'd been together five years when we married and things were getting better and better.

Unfortunately, I wasn't the love of his life, and his leaving was the most painful experience of my life so far. So, just because you've decided you are utterly infatuated, it may not be reciprocated. Be warmed.

WARNED fgs! But being warmed as well is probably good.

Yes I did. Now divorced. I don't regret it as I have my DCs but I lived many years with passion, intimacy and 'that' connection which ultimately I couldn't carry on with.

I'm now with someone I adore. I love the absolute bones of him and vice versa. The thought of anything bad happening to him makes me well up and I get a physical ache in my chest when I miss him. We have often said we are like the female/male equivalent of each other in many ways. I never believed I'd find this and I'm so happy that I have.

Without that should say in the first paragraph

@excitedforfuture, can I ask how long you stuck it out and what pushed you to leave.? I think it can be a very hard decision when children are involved.

At the time when I married him I thought I knew the sacrifice I was making and I could live with it, but a few years down the line it is getting harder
Yep. You convince yourself that having everything except love will be enough. But it isn’t. You rationalise that you’re not losing anything by settling because you don’t have the option of love available. But you still have a void in your life. I think it’s basically the death of hope - when you’re alone and looking for love there’s always a chance of finding it, but once you’ve settled you have to accept that it will never happen for you.

I don’t regret settling because if I hadn’t it would have been too late for me to have DC. I know that love wasn’t going to happen for me and what I have is better than nothing. But I still feel so sad that I’ll never have love.

Unfortunately, I wasn't the love of his life
I think there’s often one person who’s in love and another who just settles. I’ve wondered which one I’d rather be? I’d hate to be totally in love with my husband and not know that he doesn’t love me. But equally, being the one who settled is miserable, so I think well maybe it would be better to live in ignorant bliss?

I think when you're thinking of the rest of your life then it needs to someone who you love completely.
Yes, no-one is perfect, no life is perfect, you will have ups, downs and lots of time bobbing about in the middle but you need that deep, total love as the bedrock.

I was head over heels for my DH when I met him, there was a lot of chemistry and I got butterflies every time I saw him for a long time after we first got together.
We are still together 15 years later, I still adore him but it's a different kind of love now. I do still find him attractive but it's so much more than that. He's a friend, companion, bloody brilliant father to our children. He's proven himself to be everything I could ever want him to be and more. Things aren't as 'exciting' as they were in the early days but that's fine as what we have now is just as good.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that lust doesn't last forever, so if you've found someone who ticks all the other boxes of what you'd like in a partner then you are doing pretty good.

You don’t necessarily think of the rest of your life when you settle though. You’re probably already pushing 40 otherwise you wouldn’t be considering settling. So how long is your remaining life anyway? Maybe only 15-20 years if you’re unlucky, and if you live past that you can always get divorced because DC will be grown up. And how much time will you realistically spend with your partner anyway after working full time, doing chores, looking after DC and maybe going out to a hobby occasionally? I’m lucky if I see DH for an hour per night after DC has been fed, washed and finally persuaded to go to bed and stay there.

@Torres10 we were married coming on for 20 years. It wasn't all bad but I consistantly kept coming back to doubts for several years.

What pushed me to end it were several things: the fact such a poor example of a romantic relationship was being displayed to the DCs, my increasing unhappiness and general disatisfaction, the fact that nearly every little thing irritated me about ex and my friend being in the same boat but ended up meeting someone else and said she had to take her chance at happiness. These things opened conversations with ex, who then wanted to fix it but I didn't. It plodded on for another few months with the inevitable getting nearer and I knew I had to finally pull the plug. Then I had my head turned and regardless of whatever was or wasn't going to happen, I knew I couldn't carry on and I ended it. I was so relieved when I finally voiced it.

I think that’s often how it ends. It’s easy to stay in a loveless but convenient relationship when you don’t have any other option. But when you meet someone else and are mutually attracted it’s a lot harder. Imo people who’ve settled are ripe for affairs.

I have pondered on this question previously.

I shouldn't have married my XH. I loved him.... but not enough.

He left me for OW and the DC say he is happy. I'm actually pleased for him as they are well suited i.e into the same hobbies of running and cycling which is how they met.

Maybe one day I'll meet someone who l will love deeply and who will love me back too.

I agree with other posters who said that love grew over time. When DH and I started dating I liked him, thought he was a solid steady guy and I fancied him but it took a while for me to fall in love with him. It only hit me when we had a misunderstanding and I thought he would dump me that I realised how upset I was at the prospect of losing him. I realised then I loved him.

We've been married 5 years and have DS. I look at my friend's partners and can't imagine being with any of them or having any of them as DS's dad. Of course I still fantasise over celebrity crushes and 'movie style' love but that's all it is - a fantasy.

Maybe you're just not giving some men enough of a chance.

I met my dh after a long term relationship in my 20s. He’s a decent guy and we have a steady marriage (we need to as we have kids with Sen). But having met him in my early 20s at nearly 40 I’m not nearly the same person and I do feel there is a void. And I’m not sure I’m deeply in love with him. Which I feel awful about as he’s not a terrible guy. Maybe he feels the same way about me I don’t know.

@TiceCream, I agree with you, I think a lot of people stay when they have the 2/3 boxes ticked even if the unticked box means personal sacrifice...unless someone comes along who provides the missing tick!
Most people, me included, struggle to risk losing what they have when it is such a gamble with big consequences.

I settled with a great good enough one for 12 years... i was glad when it finished although it was horrible. Then i met my dp, fell in love like i never thought could even be possible . We may actually be splitting up now (not my choice) but i wouldnt trade the feeling of complete love for nothing. I will not be settling in the future... rather my own company than to make daily allowances for someone thats alright but doesnt rock my world.

Have I ever really been in love?
I know I was crazy for someone I went out with when I was 17, I think it was love, but it did not last.
I met and married my ex within 6 months, a totally stupid thing to do now I realise. I married a stranger and looking back I wish someone had warned me...but I suspect I would not have listened.
It should have remained a school holiday romance ( I was a teacher ) but we both got carried away with lust I suppose.
I do not remember really feeling in love with him and clearly remember looking at him sleeping before we married and actually thinking that, but still went ahead and married him.
I was hurtling towards my mid 30's and all that I suspect.
I cannot even remember the person I was then in the early days with him. During our divorce I found stacks of soppy cards we used to send each other on our monthly anniversary and knew I did not mean anything I had written on them. Who was this person?
We had 2 fantastic son's who are now in their 20's.
I have apart from a couple of flings been on my own for the last 10 years, possibly mainly because I wanted to provide stability for my children and I am too lazy to go out.
I do wonder if I will go my whole life without ever being really in love and loved in return.

I’m with @Ginger1982. I fancied DH a lot which helped but when I first met him I couldn’t help but think “but you play golf”. However, I grew to love him a lot. He is just such a kind person but also not a pushover and (I think) very attractive

I am not saying I never find him boring. It depends if he is talking about cars But I certainly don’t get that feeling of dull dread I have had on some first dates. Nobody should settle for that.

We have often said we are like the female/male equivalent of each other in many way

I had this with the person I was getting over when I met DH but the relationship had just ended in disaster (unfortunately he was also emotionally abusive and a skilled manipulator). DH and I are by contrast chalk and cheese!

I did marry someone I loved the bones of, but was pragmatic previously and had a partner who I liked and I think probably did even love but I had made myself date him because he was nice and kind and stable after a series of great love kind of boyfriends who were a nightmare at the end of the day. I think I would have married the nice, stable boyfriend if I hadn’t met my now DH and I think I would have been happy... but I think I would have felt something was missing deep down.

I did and we had 8 great years then a horrid one, the year before we divorced. Last year at 38, I met my soulmate. He makes my heart sing - and I now look back and wonder what on earth I was doing settling for "good enough".

This is quite interesting www.bustle.com/articles/132120-should-you-be-with-someone-who-loves-you-more-than-you-love-them

I did and still am. We got on well and the relationship sort of just happened, I love my DP, but have never felt those deep butterflies or the overwhelming need to just be with them.

We've been together for 18 years now, but I constantly think about ending it. My worry is my DP though, I think they love me a lot more than I love them (although they don't really express it - they're not great with emotions.)

The thing is, things aren't bad, but we have two children and our life is comfortable.

Two times in the past few years, I've been bowled over by someone - full on butterflies and the need to be near them. I've never acted on this, and the other person has never known. But the fact this has happened repeatedly as I move into my late 30's makes me wonder if I should end my marriage and find someone who makes me feel that way.

The only thing stopping me is I don't want to cause my partner emotional pain. They don't really have friends and our family is their life - even though we now seem to have nothing in common.

I married someone that I shouldn't have done. He was lazy, unmotivated, dishonest and sneaky. He wasn't right for me but we already had a child together and I thought was was my lot.

We got married, had a second child a few years later and divorced shortly after. I'm single now and going through a rough time after the break down of my subsequent relationship, but honestly can 1000% say I am better off without him.

Me! Married someone I didn't love that much specifically so he couldn't hurt me. Quite fucked up. Divorced him and caused all sorts of hurt to all sorts of people, just because of my own issues. Don't do what I did.