Depression or arsehole?

[tigglewiggle]

I am not suggesting that people with depression are arseholes but I have never been depressed myself so not sure how it would lead to treatment of others.

I am on the verge of moving out as my patience for DH moods has worn thin. We have been together since college and in that time DH suffered a trauma which has changed his personality.

He is very volatile and minor things (to me) set him on edge and cause him to explode. Things in his way; an untidy house (it isn't untidy); the baby crying. He is highly irritable and I'm run ragged trying to keep the house tidy, make nice dinners, look after the children and keep DH mellow. As this work is invisible to him, he wonders what it is I do all day.

He is not enjoying his job and it clouds his perspective on everything and makes him very grumpy. If I look at him, he glares back at me. He sneers if I say I'm going out to see friends and family and is generally unpleasant and cold towards me.

I can't take it anymore, I have never felt so hated by anyone and I feel ground down by him. But a part of me thinks I should be patient as he could be depressed. He won't see a doctor about it and definitely drinks to self medicate. Last weekend I was cooking a special dinner with the baby strapped to my front and he was relaxing in the sitting room. He was then huffing and puffing and I asked him what was wrong and he shouted that 'THIS is shit!' In front of the kids.

I feel sorry that he is feeling so miserable but he makes me feel responsible for it and the whole family is suffering from his moods.

@Wolfiefan agreed

I would never suggest that she should "put up with" i just sometimes try to look at the reasons why someone could be behaving as they are. Maybe it could be removing herself from what is happening at present..or permanent,but there is part of her which is questioning that it could be the trauma? So there is the possibility of things changing,him eventually getting help?. Things are going to happen in life,and she may experience something which could trigger behaviour which are unfavourable too,we can't tell the future,I agree it's not ok behaviour,but there could be some hope along the way

Not now. Not if he won’t get help.

@Wolfiefan I don't really think any of us are able to say for certain as we cannot predict the future,we are only going off presumptions.

I hope the situation improves for you OP x

Definite arsehole. LTB

It's highly likely he's depressed or suffering from some level of post-traumatic stress, but if he is refusing to see a doctor despite knowing that he is being horrible to you, then he is an arsehole as well, and you don't have to put up with it if you don't want to.

I have suffered from depression all my life too and it has not made me act this way. It may do for some people, but the reality is if he refuses to see it all or get help then there is actually nothing you can do.

People often display abusive behaviours because of deep seated issues. My volatile, emotionally and ultimately physically abusive ex had a terribly traumatic childhood involving issues with his mother which he absolutely took out on me. But despite talking about it for years, he never took any steps to change and things just got worse and worse. Ultimately, I had to walk away, what was I supposed to do, just take it forever because there was a "reason" for it?

This sounds like it's been going on a while, and while in your case @lbeasly74 you may not have accepted the situation immediately you did ultimately seek help, it was very much triggered by a specific event and things got better. If this is a recent-ish trauma in the case of the OP's husband and he can be persuaded to get help then there may be a way forward. But if not, then the question of whether he's depressed or an arsehole (and it's not either/or) is pretty much irrelevant.

@Ibeasly74. As I said. Not NOW. If someone won’t get help (no matter why that may be) then the only solution to unacceptable behaviour is to split up.