my (ex)boyfriend has borderline personality disorder - I feel sorry for him

[pixiie2]

Me and ex split nearly a month ago. The breakup itself was pretty shit, he decided to end it. I am my ex's first serious relationship. He had been "single" for 6 years before he met me, and has had two "casual" (weeks) relationships before he met me.

I'm finding it hard to talk to my friends about it/get support because they just keep saying the same thing "he's a twat"/"he's going to die alone", and make it seem like it's not worth discussing because it is clear he is a bad person. I'm finding it hard to cope because I can't speak to anyone about it.

Ex was a difficult person to be with at times. He had a very shit start in life, filled with emotional and physical abuse, medical issues and neglect (he lived with his siblings in a home abroad for 3 years when he was 10). He has very dark moods and has attempted suicide in the past. His father died when he was a teenager, his mother picked on him and neglected him, but none of his siblings. The list goes on.

Now, in the beginning of our relationship I was "amazing". Everything about me was celebrated - he remembered everything about me, he listened, he cared, he kept in contact, he was considerate, he would make my life easier whenever he could by being so helpful - everything I had never had. He said I was his soulmate. He cried in front of me and told me deeply personal things about himself - including the abuse he had suffered. He also supported me through very dark MH crises. We seemed to get each other a lot, and help each other.

But, whenever anything was slightly negative or he felt any kind of criticism from me, his world would go black. In the nicest possible way, he overreacted to what normal couples would brush over in a day. He would go silent for days, cry and be unable to cope. He seemed to think that any disagreement was a reason/need to breakup. I know now this is a common symptom of BPD.

When we broke up, my heart was breaking more for him than it was for me. He couldn't bring himself to look at me, his arms were folded across his chest, he was giving one word answers. All I could see was a child not knowing how to express himself

I know that the relationship isn't working - and that isn't down to me. I do think we love each other immensely, but I think he needs intense therapy before he is able to be in a functional relationship. I think the reason as to why he has ended it is due to him not having any experience of functional relationships.

My heart is breaking because I know by nature he is a lonely person - we were very much best friends. He is introverted and shy and doesn't have many/any friends.

We are still partially in contact, we have had a few hour-long phonecalls and text each other a bit throughout the time we have been apart. I had to cancel our first meet-up since the break over the weekend because I was overwhelmed with everything - he seemed a bit panicked then, asking if I preferred not to meet at all. I am meeting him this weekend instead.

I am struggling so much - I know he is a lovely person, I know the relationship isn't working right now, I know that I cannot fix him.

I don't have much knowledge of BPD, and my friends don't either. I feel stuck - my friends won't see the human side of what has happened, and I just feel so unsupported

I don't know why I am posting - I am desperate I guess. Desperate to understand, for advice, anything ...

.

' I feel stuck - my friends won't see the human side of what has happened, and I just feel so unsupported'

I don't think it's a matter of your friends not seeing the human side- they saw you hurt and they don't want to see it happen again. Their empathy is for you in the situation.

' I had to cancel our first meet-up since the break over the weekend because I was overwhelmed with everything - he seemed a bit panicked then, asking if I preferred not to meet at all. I am meeting him this weekend instead.'

Do you feel as if you have to meet him, to be kind? Yes, Borderline isn't very nice, and you're right to feel for him, but not at your own expense. Your happiness and peace of mind is important too.

Remember he doesn't really need you. I have Borderline traits and also had a friend who did- she would resort to all sorts if a relationship/friendship had a blip- would take herself to AnE etc- then get relatively over it by the next day.

I'm not like that- if a relationship/friendship has issues, I'm gutted, but that person isn't responsible for my health- if he's struggling he needs to turn to professionals, and they'll help him deal with things.

My BPD traits I think have improved a lot with the advice of a therapist. I wouldn't have much to do with this guy unless he was getting proper therapy, and meds if necessary.

BPD is the only personality disorder where there's evidence it can be 'cured'- the person can, with therapy etc, lessen the traits to the extent that they no longer count as having it.

Does this guy have many plus points?

After a year of therapy or something there might be a lot of improvement. If he has some desirable traits, you can see how he gets on with therapy etc and whether he becomes more 'together'- it will take a while.

Mostly, don't feel you have to do anything- he's not your responsibility, professionals are there for that xxx

Sorry to hear what you’re going through OP, I have very similar experience.
My now ex of 5 years broke up with me a few weeks ago, he was similar in a sense that he would often go silent and refuse to communicate about any issue, threatening to end it over any grievance I had and making me scared to try and resolve any issue we had. He had also not had a long term relationship before and struggled to express himself. My friends have said similar dismissive things. I often thought he had BPD as he could also be so lovely.
I’m afraid I don’t have any advice but I can understand. You can care deeply about a person to the point it’s hard to let them go knowing the have not resolved or accepted their issues and now likely will have less support. But at the end of the day if it’s their decision to leave there’s not much you can do. Like you say you can’t fix them and you’ve got to think of yourself... it’s hard

Hey, I just want to say that I understand what you are going through. My DP possibly has BPD. I believe he has it and after 3 years of being together and putting up with his moods, I got him to see a GP. He needs to get assesed for BPD by a professional now and then receive therapy if needed.

Your ex needs professional support. There isn't anything you can do to help really. You can spend time with him but it is up to him to manage his moods. Which is very difficult for people with BPD.

My DP never wanted to leave me, it has always been me who wanted to leave... then he would threaten to kill himself if I left and beg me not to leave him. He has serious abandonment issues. When I try to talk to my mum about his BPD traits she just tells me that he's acting like a baby... I agree, it's because of his traumatic childhood... I try to tell her that but she says he needs to snap out of it and act like an adult! Oh and I have 2 year old with my DP... if we didn't have our son I would have given up on him a long time ago. We are trying to stay together but it is very hard when his moods shift into him stonewalling me over the smallest things for hours at a time. It drives me crazy, that's when I think of leaving...
All the other times he's mostly great though.

Anyway, I think you've had a lucky escape to be honest. It is up to you if you still want to be in contact with him. But believe me when I say that it is very very hard to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD, especially when they aren't getting any professional help.

Maybe you should just try to forget about him as it isn't your job to fix him... Try and find someone else to be with. I wish you the best of luck xx.

Op, you sound nice. But you're not his therapist and your love can't cure him.

You need to put your own mental health first, and your own life. (Do you have dc?) Have you moved on at all in the year you've been split?

I work in mental health, if you have no commitments to this man then I would let him go. The alternative is going to be emotionally draining with lots of drama and stress. He will self harm again and not conduct himself as most people do. You are correct in your analysis that his traumatic childhood has moulded his personality and emotional responses but it's a long and complex road to learn how to change how he responds to people, emotions and situations. He really would need intense therapy such as EMDR for which the NHS has huge waiting lists and often can't provide enough of even if accepted for it. If you stay with him you will find you are always on eggshells trying to second guess how to keep him happy. I know I sound harsh and uncaring but I'm not, I think the services for personality disorders are rubbish and the NHS fails the majority.

Are you really looking for support from your friends or are you expecting your friends to enable and indulge an unhealthy attachment that will negatively impact your MH?

You say you know you can’t fix him but your behaviour suggest otherwise.

You are making things harder for yourself by staying in contact, which is your prerogative but if you are unwilling to help yourself it is selfish and self centred to expect friends to enable your destructive behaviour.

Friends can only do so much, you have to put in the work too.

Hi OP, I have name changed for this as my ex-partner (diagnosed BPD) knows my previous username.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am you're going through this and struggling so much. I think one of the PP was overly harsh in their response.

Being in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with a person with BPD brings very unique situations, circumstances and emotions and that is the same when going through a break up. It is extraordinarily lonely and exhausting and it is very hard to explain the nuance and difference to friends and family who are understandably aggrieved at seeing you so upset but who can't possibly get what you've been through/are going through and therefore are liable to say the 'wrong' thing. It's not their fault but, from my own experience, it can feel incredibly invalidating and unsupportive, even though you know they mean well and only want to save you from more pain. They essentially just see the 'bad' stuff.

I am in a very dark place myself, currently, going through a break up with my partner of 4 and a half years (we were living together) and now very much at the 'devalue and discard' phase. He has started seeing another woman and veers between admitting it and denying it and telling me how much he misses me at the same time as looking me in the eye and lying to me. Being in this relationship has been the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. And yet, it's not as simple as walking away, having acted as carer (practically, financially,emotionally) and lover for a long time, I've lost my home, my money, my identity. I definitely feel trauma-bonded and I know I know I need to seek help for myself. I have been looking into therapy for partners of those with BPD as it is so specific and mind-bending.

I wish you peace and I just wanted you to let you know you are not crazy, you are not going through a 'normal' break up and to encourage you to maybe seek some help for yourself. That doesn't mean you can't ever offer your ex-partner help again if that feels too overwhelming to consider right now, but it is important and more than OK to look after yourself too. A first step might be to look up some of the BPD websites with forums for partners

@Interestedwoman

Thank you for your response. I understand a lot of BPD traits too, and we all have them to some extent (a continuum of traits obviously). I have had PTSD in my teen years, and there's a lot of overlap there.

My ex-DP seems to panic as the relationship progresses. It sounds mean to write this down, and I feel awful, but he was always the one pushing for commitments, would shower me with lots of love - and then, when I reciprocated, he would back away.

This last breakup coincides with him asking me to marry him for example.

Yes, he has many good points, more than I can list. The BPD traits are so at odds with who he usually is, that it's perhaps easier for me to empathize with him. It is like flicking a switch, that can last for a few weeks.

I feel because he is quite lonely, I wouldn't like to leave him on his own. We'll see on Friday anyway. Last time I saw him was horrendous and he didn't treat me very nicely.

Oh op it isn't bipolar disorder or depression you're talking about here. Your ex isn't ill. He us just such a certain type of shit, manipulative asshole that there happens to be a term for it.

He isn't a child. His childhood is not an excuse. He doesn't need 'fixing' because he is exactly who he is meant to be - himself.

You have completed the first step - realising it's not you. But you are failing on the second one - realising he is actually just a toxic asshole whom you need to stay the feck away from. No ifs, buts an no more daft excuses.

Your friends see him fine. Its you that still wants to believe a lion is somewhere deep down, a gazelle. He isn't.

You may be suffering co-depemdency issues that it would help to talk through with someone professional. But the best thing you can do for yourself is stop giving him any space in your life so that you can remove his control over you.

@Pinkbonbon

No his childhood isn't an excuse, but it is an explanation of his disorder.

He us just such a certain type of shit, manipulative asshole that there happens to be a term for it.

What an absolute ignorant thing to say about a recognisable disorder. There is so much overlap between CPTSD (which I have) and BPD. Why is mine not my fault, but his is? I'm sure many people who have experienced trauma react in ways that people find manipulative.

@Pinkbonbon

Actually, CPTSD forms in childhood as a direct result of trauma. I have always been the way I am.

So, am I a predator too?

No, because it's still not a personality disorder. You have mental health issues, as do many people. It isn't the same thing. It may appear to have some similar symptoms but that's the extent of it.

Let's put it simply - batman witnesses his parents die in childhood, he suffers from that event for the rest of his life yet, despite his mental health, chooses to be a good guy...for the most part.

The joker - Is a crazy asshole. Even if he got treatment for the crazy, he'd still be an asshole.

Sorry to use comic book characters to highlight on such a sensitive topic. But yeah...I don't know what the joker went through as a kid, nor do I care. Because some people are just bad - and there are no excuses.

Other example - you are having a bad day, really upset and in the thralls of mental illness. A kid runs out in front of you, without thinking, you shove them out of the way. Realising what you have done you feel terrible.

Him - he is walking along the street and a child gets in his way. How annoying. He checks no adults are around and shoves the child out of his way. Drat! A mother saw. 'I'm so so sorry, I'm mentally unwell that's why I did it'. But it isn't, he did it because he wanted to.

CHOICE is the difference. Sometimes people with mental illness or traumas are so lost that they do not have choice. He, has choice. And chooses only to do what suits him.

@Pinkbonbon

All your responses have been so narrow-minded I barely read them. Someone has reported your previous comments so I can't remember what they say.

But the batman one is ridiculous. You sound as if you have zero experience with BPD.

Pinkbonbon you are making quite a few bold statements which are coming across as quite harsh when the OP is here in what seems to be a fairly fragile state. Can you say where you get your info/expertise from? Is it personal experience or are you a professional in the field? Just trying to work out if it's your opinion or a professional view.

@MistsofAvalon

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you are going through it it really is such a unique experience - I have never had a breakup like it.

I have joined the BPDFamily forum so will have a read through some resources when I get the chance to.

I don't seem to be in the "discard" phase yet. Very much push/pull with him. We shall see what happens. He is so socially awkward that I know for a fact he will not be dating/seeing anyone else. It was a shock to all his friends that me and him were a couple as he can't talk to women!

At this point in time, he hasn't done anything unforgivable. He hasn't been nasty, just distant. It's something I am willing to go back to, if he gets help.

Thanks again for your kind reply xxx

@piixe2 thanks for the flowers and your kind message.

The BDPFamily forum has so much information - it feels a little overwhelming to me at the moment but I have found some relief in seeing my life written there in black and white. It helps to validate my experience and that this isn't all in my head.

I have been where you are when my primary concern was not my own grief and anxiety but his wellbeing and safety (my ex partner sounds quite different to yours - lots of impulsive and volatile behaviour). The 'normal' rules don't apply, sadly.

I have been through a number of break-ups with my ex over the last few years and I never really felt it was over until now (due to the push/pull) so I completely understand about being willing to go back although it is definitely not an easy path to take.

Look after yourself as it's so easy for all your needs to get completely buried x