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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

First relationship after separation, how often is normal to see each other?

3 replies

UnicornsExist · 05/11/2019 22:32

I have been seeing a man since the middle of August. We're both early 40's. I have known him for around 5 years now through work as we are in the same industry and do very similar roles. I separated from my STBXH end of last year and he separated from his STBXW in January. I had however checked out of my marriage around a year before separation whereas he was still committed to trying to make his marriage work when his wife called time on it but it is 100% over and she has a new partner.

We have both agreed that we need to take things slowly because we are both carrying a fair bit of emotional baggage from our respective marriages. We haven't even given our relationship a title as such yet but I'm not seeing anyone else and without asking him and making a big deal out of it, I'm 95% certain that he isn't either so even though I wouldn't go as far as calling him a boyfriend or DP yet, we're exclusive. We are sleeping together and have incredible chemistry but one of my friends has expressed surprise that we don't see more of each other and suggested it is more of a FWB situation.

The first couple of weeks we saw each other a couple of times a week for a fairly long evening. Since then we have regularly seen each other for an evening once a week or so and occasionally most of a day at a weekend. We both work long hours which include weekends (agriculture) & it isn't unusual for either of us to work 70+ hours a week. I also have kids nearly every weekend whereas at the moment he has to get a flight to see his kids which means he goes for a week as often as he is able to around his work commitments but uses a lot of his days off up. When we aren't together, we usually have a messaging chat 3-4 times a week. I think we are both still adjusting to being back out on the dating scene and we have the added complication of our working hours. We do try to see each other more frequently but work keeps getting in the way, complicated by living an hour away from each other. He has suggested that in the future there would be the possibility of me and my kids eventually moving into his house and he would be able to help me find work locally to his house.

Does this sound like a fairly normal level of contact, dates etc at this stage for two people who are both new to seeing other people after their marriages ending? Or is my friend right and this isn't likely to go anywhere? I'm now confused about what I should be expecting in this situation.

OP posts:
nex18 · 05/11/2019 23:20

I’m not sure if it’s normal or abides by the proper rules but it seems pretty similar to my relationship (together almost 18 months, first proper relationship for both of us since our marriages ended). I’d love to see him more often but there’s simply not enough time!

UnicornsExist · 06/11/2019 04:54

Thanks @nex18 I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who is in this type of relationship. The thing is because of our respective divorces, we can't look to move in together etc until we are both actually divorced as it will just get too complicated otherwise and that is likely to be at least a year away. So I think in the meantime we can just enjoy each others company around our other commitments and see where life takes us.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 06/11/2019 05:05

Nothing is normal, it’s only ok if you are both happy. Given your circumstances with both having children this seems very normal and healthy and the best way to a long lasting relationship. Rushing it would probably cause issues. You both seem to be doing the right thing, good luck

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