Can you trust a spouse fully again after infidelity?

[Rafaroo]

Hello All

I have been married for 3 years and together for 5. We have a little girl and one (unplanned) on the way.
Five days after Valentines day this year, i caught my husband cheating. I found evidence and he denied it for weeks and weeks and tried to make out like I was crazy but in the end it all came out. I was devastated but funnily enough determined from the beginning that it wouldn't be the end. I don't know why, but I didn't even consider for a moment breaking up. I just so badly wanted to keep my family together that I just buried my anger and tried to move on. In hindsight, I would say I didn't really deal with it. Then, in the summer I found out that after a drunken night away celebrating our anniversary I was pregnant again. I have had mixed feelings about the pregnancy because of the cheating, but anyway now I am four months along and it is what it is.
I am still determined to try and keep our family going and we are in a better place, but I don't really feel like I trust him. I don't say it much, but I am very suspicious when he goes for a night out, or comes to bed really late or works late. I don't believe he is cheating on me right now but I just have a strong sense that it will happen again and that he cannot really be trusted long term. I guess I am hyper vigilant, always on the lookout for signs that its happening again. It makes me sad, especially as we are having another child, but I have limited trust in him. Has anyone out there managed to get past infidelity and start properly trusting again? If so, was it because of special efforts on your spouses side or just that time is a healer? If I feel a strong sense that he will cheat again, not really a case of if just when, is that me being paranoid or is it intuition? Not really sure what to think at the moment and could do with some outside input! Thank you for reading and answering!

I dont think you're being paranoid, just realistic, and thats good. Because god forbid it ever happens again, you will be much more prepared to deal with it. I hope you dont have to... but u know u might. .. it is a matter of whats best for u. Can u live with the doubt and the possibility of it happening again and then you move on without him? Or is that gonna be too hurtful to you to the point you cant put up with affairs in the long run? U might need some time to gather ur thoughts...

He will cheat again if you don't address the reason why he cheated in the first place head on. Couples counselling can help address this - even if it is just a case of him admitting that he wanted the thrill of being with someone different to you, at least you will know what you are dealing with. Counselling will also help you to come to terms with his infidelity and give you ways to help you rebuild your trust in him. It's a long road which is very difficult but if you can get through it then it is possible to have a healthy relationship again. Good luck.

If nothing in your relationship has changed then he will cheat again, and possibly look to leave for someone else. This isn’t your fault. Your relationship is either changed massively from when it started and he’s unhappy or he’s always been a cheat and always will be.

Can you give a bit more info about the cheating? One-night stand or affair? Did he end it or did she?

My dh had a one-night thing about a month after we got married. I already had dd who was then 11. Tbh if it wasn’t for upsetting her and the fact we’d just got married and were about to move into a new place together (bought by him) I would have ended things. It took 2 years to get over it but I would never fully trust him again and things never went back to how they were before it.

Sorry @TheLittleDogLaughed sounds like you’ve been though some bad times, good on you for coming out strong

You're not paranoid, you will never trust him again, and he WILL cheat again. Why wouldn't he? He didn't give a fuck about you before, got caught and got away with it. Why would he stop now? Get your ducks in a row and get out. Your life doesn't have to be like this.

So you thought it was a good idea to have a second child in these circumstances?

You do not trust him and your gut still screaming at you 'something is not right'.

But you still love him and while drunk you think it be a good idea to have another baby to tie yourself to him. That way you can justify why you are staying, why you are willing to put up with the cheating.

Poor children eh.

In my experience, I don't know, because he'd always do something to shake what trust I had again.

Agree with the poster who said he needs to work out why he cheated in the first place. It could be any number of reasons. If he doesn’t get to the source and fix that then there is a very good chance he will do it again.

Also depends on what kind of cheater he is. A standard “cake eater” will just carry on cheating but will learn from past mistakes which got him caught the last time.

"Can you trust a cheater not to cheat again?" No you can't.

Have you spoken to him at all about the cheating? Did you get angry? Etc if not and he just thinks you have brushed it under the carpet, then he will most likely do it again knowing you will just stay and put up with it. You need to address it

No, you can't. You can pretend. But you won't fully trust again and maybe never trust anyone else again either.

I stayed and I will always advise anyone at the start of this to leave now. It ruined my life and has left me depressed and feel as though my life is wasted.

We look happy from the outside. People who "got through it" want the outside world to think that.

I feel like I type this response every two days..... So many people ask the same question repeatedly.

There is another thread currently going where people who have been cheated on and do trust their partners now have been offering their stories. The point remains is that whether you trust or you don't, you can never control someone else and their actions . OP you have accepted what he did and you will be forever wondering . That's the price you pay for staying.

Can you trust again? No.

You don't trust him because he isn't trustworthy. This isn't something you can get over as an act of will - you can force yourself to act as if trust him, but you can't actually compel yourself to feel the feelings.

Think of it this way - if I tell you there is a unicorn in the cupboard under the sink, can you make yourself believe me? You can say that you believe me, you can agree it would be best if you believed me, you can act as though what I'm saying is the gospel truth, but do you actually think there really is a unicorn there in that cupboard? No.

Your husband will have to earn back your tryst over a sustained period of time. That's all there is to it, I'm afraid. He can't shortcut that process and neither can you.

Incidentally, he sounds like a scumbag and I think you are right not to trust him. He cheated once, and knows that you would rather keep your family together than dump him, so he has little incentive to change. I'm sure you talk a good fight about "he knows if he does it again, it's over this time" but he's probably just going to try a bit harder not to get caught. Sorry, op, I know it sucks

Just another thought to add. I’ve seen both sides of the coin, I’ve been an OW and my own marriage broke down after my ex had an affair. I choose not to stay as I didn’t want to spend the next 50 years of my life wondering where my husband was every time he left the house.

I personally wouldn’t advise anyone to stay

As someone who is having an affair, and met men who do, I would assume anyone who cheated within a particular relationship would do so again UNLESS something substantially changed in the marriage to address the reasons that lead to the cheating.

I've seen it often, people move from affair to affair because once you cheat to fill the hole in your life, it's hard to stop.

No, I’m sorry. I know you want to think you can talk yourself into trusting him fully but the reality is that none of this is in your control. He’s not trustworthy and has proved it. You can’t change that no matter how much you try to make yourself.

I'm in a similar situation, and no, I don't trust him. But at the moment, I am okay with it. I don't think I've ever trusted anyone tbh, so at least I know this time that I have a reason and that I'm not just mad. I will always make sure I have the means to leave now.

As someone who is having an affair, and met men who do

What an absolute gem...

What an absolute gem...

@Notallitseemstobe is offering a very useful perspective - whether you think they are a good person is not what the thread is about.

Whenever I see the phrase "forgive and forget" (particularly in relation to infidelity), I imagine it just means, pack your feelings away into a little box, lock it up securely and store it away on a high dusty shelf at the back of your brain with everything else you don't want to think about. I don't know how one can live with the knowledge of what your spouse has done to you on a day to day basis otherwise.

My XH cheated twice - first time I tried to forgive (using above strategy) because of kids, wanting to keep the family together, his seemingly genuine remorse at his actions. The second affair, 3 years later was when I had enough self respect to put my feelings first. The 3 years between affairs turned me into an emotional wreck, and I was almost relieved when he did it again so I could finally end things. My only regret was wasting another 3 years on him.

Similar to @JeSuisPrest here - my ex husband had a one night thing when I was pregnant with my youngest and my eldest was a toddler. I couldn't even think about leaving, he was very remorseful, etc, etc so I stayed and we did have 10 more happy years together but ultimately he then had a proper affair and I found out and our marriage ended almost 2 years ago.

I don't regret not leaving the first time if I'm honest (he said it was just a drunken kiss...whether this is true I will never know) but I guess deep down I always thought it might happen again.

OP - not sure what to say.
You forgave the first infidelity. If the second happens - you will probably do the same.
So - why make yourself unhappy with worrying if or when it might or might not happen.
Just live your life, enjoy your kids and your relationship. Nothing else in this life you can control or predict.

As to minimising the chances of another affair happening - like others said - you need to get to the bottom of what lead to it. And address those. Counselling and generally good and open communication is the best way of doing that.
Also - find Estel Perel’s podcasts, or her book Rethinking Infidelity. Might give you some ideas for both dealing with it now and making a different future.