So I found viagra

[justranout]

He was away the night before my 40th this weekend. See other depressing thread.

Just went through his bags. Cos he's out again like last night. And found a packet of viagra with one missing. Delivered to boots at the train station.

I'm livid. And we'd just had a conversation where he said he still wanted to come to relate on Thursday. I'm so so angry.

I've put my key in the lock and told him to fuck off. It's not my finest hour but I don't know how I'm going to put the kids to bed I'm shaking.

Thank you. How much is cms as a percentage of wages? I'm trying to find out but I'm on my way to work and can't stop crying.

I told my dad. He is seriously ill. I saw him yesterday and he couldn't even talk. I'm so sorry for giving him this extra stress but I needed to tell him as I need childcare this week.

@justranout how are you doing this evening op?

@Startingoveragain1 hi ah thanks for checking in. How are you? Is he still keeping you in limbo?

It's all weird. He's gone. But rang to speak to the dc this morning.

Dc7 said no at first as he was angry with him. And then on the way back from school run this morning dc3 said to me sadly - I don't have a daddy any more. Which broke my heart.

I have the relate thing this evening. To be honest I'm too broken to go. He said he's not going. I might ring up and see if I can move it to another time when the dc are at nursery and school. It's a lot of stress for something that seems so pointless now.

@justranout i actually gave him am ultimatum yesterday as ive been a mess for days. Told him to decide basically by Sunday if he wants to work through his mental health issues together or properly separate.he is gonna go away for the weekend and gonna try to figure it out . Im both relieved and scared to death.
Try to get through the days one by one. I too separated from my kids dad years ago ds8 dd2 at the time and although a horrific experience they came out completely fine and are really happy and healthy kids. Youre gonna have to be extra strong and reassuring for them. You will all be ok in time. Hugs

I know you probably feel you have been in this nightmare for a long time , but you really haven't. Give yourself credit for coping as you have so far, it's still early days . Look after yourself.

Sounds like you will be much better off without this man in your life but I know it’s hard at the start. Women find it so much harder to switch the love button off in many cases and can struggle for months and even years.

It’s a tough road ahead, you’ll get through it. We all do.
Sounds like you’re being sensible - finding a solicitor you are happy with. I would still go to Relate on your own. They aren’t there just to work through things, they can give you some strength to end things too. I had a great telephone session with them the day after I ended my marriage for the same reason.
You’ll probably have to go through mediation, I found it helpful, not everyone does. It works best if you’ve got your ducks in a row and shit together. Separate the logistics from the emotion if you can, and deal with each separately. Mediation isn’t therapy. There’s time to scream and cry (you’ll do plenty) and a time for being very, very practical.

I’m repeating myself I know, but it will end and you won’t feel like this forever.

Thank you. I know you all speak a lot of sense. It's just so much harder than I realised when you're in the middle of it. I go from despair to rage so quickly.

Dc3 was hysterical at drop off at nursery this morning. Just clinging on to me. Normally he runs off and plays with his friends.

@Startingoveragain1 how's it going? Good for you for the ultimatum. You have to know. Has he said anything since? How are you and the dc? So sorry. Hope you can take some time out for yourself at some point this weekend.

@justranout sorry to hear your dc is struggling... bless , must be so confusing... just remember kids are just sooo flexible and resilient op.
we have texted a bit today (a lot less than normal) hes away until sunday, i did tell him might be better if we didnt talk too much this weekend. He told me he has finally done some reading on depression and mens midlife crisis and he checks most of the boxes and sees how he has just been trying to deny the fact he has mh issues. Still.. i dont know.... he has made a big point to say we need to sort dds birthday next week "we" need to. I dont know. He is confused as fuck, he doesnt know what he wants. I dont know. .. regarless its gonna be a hard road. Even if he decides he wants to try , he is in a foul mood most of the time and im now exhausted and feeling so alone and unloved and wondering he may just say he wants to stay because hed be far worse off alone. Just yesterday he said sometimes he wants to leave sometimes he doesnt . Im getting tired of that shit. U either love us or u fuck off no matter how much i have to cry. Im literally now dreading either case scenario on his return. I am kid free tomorrow and tomorrow night and cant even think of anything id like to do...

@justranout Do you have anyone to vent op? Or to spend time with during this crap times?

@Startingoveragain1 that must be so draining. It's good that he's looked into things though. Would he do counselling or anything?

Before the viagra I genuinely think having someone from outside the relationship listening would help. I was hoping relate would work.

Do you have any support? Does anyone else know? At the moment I would kill for a child free day but then I know I'd just sleep or something.

I had some online cbt the other day and she was trying to get me to just take five minutes out for me each day. Does yoga help you at all? She also suggested walking. Just being outside.

I don't really have anyone to talk to. Our friends are mostly mutual. The good friend I spoke to basically said he didn't want to get in the middle. And I think they're all going to be like that. He's quite high up in the industry. I'm literally waiting for work to find out so I'll get sacked (or just not asked to come in again next month)

Aside from mumsnet (which helped me more than I could have imagined) I started to see a counsellor. She helped me see my self-worth, and put firm boundaries in place, as well as giving me a place to vent. I saw her every other week to keep costs down, it was more than worth the money.

@0hforfoxsake thanks. That's really interesting. My gp suggested something similar. He said there's an nhs one but the waiting list is so long so he recommended a private one too. When I get time I'm going to sort it out. I literally have no time to do anything at the moment. Just driven dc1 to a party half an hour away and realised I've left the bloody present at home. Going to have to drive back and get it before pick up when I was planning on taking dc2 to play place nearby.

Glad it helped. It's really helpful finding out what's helped others. Hope you're ok 

@Startingoveragain1 thinking of you today

@justranout its great youre managing to keep normality for the kids carrying on with the normal schedules, outings etc.
Im feeling really uneasy. On friday he did some readung and admitted he ticks nist boxes for depression and how it said it was very common for men in their 40s. I thought that was a positive but since he hasnt texted much and is being very cold (when he went away 2 weeks ago he was textin and sending pics non stop saying how he missed me, which was super confusing but better than the cold shoulder) i think he has come to some realisation now ive made him choose and i dont think im gonna like the outcome...

@Startingoveragain1 so sorry. Dc2 was sick.

How did it go yesterday?

@justranout It didnt go anywhere... i spent the day with masses of anxiety. He then came in, in an apparent good mood, told me all about his trip, went run some errands, he mentionesld how irritable and snappy he was, we made some jokes, and i didnt have the heart to bring up the conversation.... i know he wont... the thought of it gives him anxiety... i dont know... i know i have to, because regardless things are gonna be different... he did come to bed and he might have come on to me and i didnt push him away... (another rookie error on my part...) i have bought some self help cognitive behavioural therapy books i hope he'll read... but im aware the conversation needs to happen and i need to set some boundaries even if that means pushing him to make a clear choice and leave... i just didnt have the heart to do it.. sometimes i feel id rather live a dream than face reality. I dont even know what reality is.... i feel a but like a fool to come up with the ultimatum and not bring it up straight away. I dont know what im waiting for....
I guess im waiting until i snap again and it all comes pouring out...
Hows your lil one doing? Hows things?

I found the book ‘Stop Walking on Eggshells’ really helpful. Whether or not XH has Borderline Personality Disorder I don’t know but it certainly helped me recognise how I responded to things which weren’t my fault. Might be worth a look? My counsellor recommended it to me.

It’s incredibly difficult to run business as usual, but we have to because the children’s lives go on as normal. All you want to do scream into a pillow all day but there are school runs and swimming lessons.
I would recommend taking a day for yourself just to let the feelings come. Cry, stare at the walls, run round the park - whatever you want to do. The key is to let yourself off the hook. Just for one day. Wallow if that’s what you want to do. I did, I had one day and I lay on the sofa and cried and cried. It was so therapeutic. Not to feel sorry for myself but to allow myself this anguish and overwhelming sadness.