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Original poster

Advice please from anyone who's with a man who shares custody

17 replies

Littlekate123 · 05/11/2019 19:21

11Littlekate123

I won't go into too much deatil, but I was wondering if anyone who's partner has their children 50% of the time could give me some advice please...

I've been dating a man I really like, I very rarely like anyone (I've been on so many dates and it's been years) but we get on so well and he's also told me he really wants to keep seeing me and make a go of things.

The one really important thing I'm worried about is he has half custody of his two children, I knew he often had them but we've just spoken more about how much and now I understand. It is half of the week, half of the holidays.

I love children, but I'm worried if we continue to date and we grow to love eachother and want to move in, that I'd end up maybe resenting not having the privacy with him or something and it wouldn't work out.

My only question is to any other woman in the same situation, do you regret it or are you and everyone else happy?

I have no children yet but I'd love one, he would like another too.

I don't want to waste his time or mine, as I'm 35 and running out of time really. Thanks so much xx

OP posts:
Redannie118 · 05/11/2019 19:27

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

Original poster
Littlekate123 · 05/11/2019 19:30

Thank you so much for your reply. It does show he's a great father that's very true.

OP posts:
ClapHandsAndSaveTheFairies · 05/11/2019 19:31

I have two kids, I dated a man who had his three kids full-time.

And eventually moved in.

I think it was different for me because having my own kids, I didn't really know what it's like to get time alone anymore anyway.

This is something only you can decide on. My partner says, in response to my asking him your question, that he does sometimes wish we had more free time together, but he does enjoy spending time with my kids too.

Different partner to the one who had kids, that's an ex, my now-partner has no kids.

Hope that helps.

RedGal · 05/11/2019 19:32

I've been in the situation and my advice is ask yourself how you'd feel if the 50/50 split was to change over time.
It could be less but in reality it could be more ie things could evolve and end up with him anything up too 100% of the time.

Singlenotsingle · 05/11/2019 19:36

It's usually the other way round. Man moves in with woman who's got kids. It must be very hard for him and in this case it'll be very hard for you. You don't have to live together. It's not compulsory.

CheersMedea · 05/11/2019 19:42

I wouldn't do it as I wasn't interested in being a parent to a child that wasn't mine I'm afraid. If you are worried about it now, then I would walk away if you want children. 35 is young enough to meet someone who is right for you who doesn't have children. There are a lot of men in the world you know.

PurpleFresias · 05/11/2019 20:07

I was in your exact situation. I had some doubts but forged on with a "nothing ventured.." approach 2 years ago.

initially I tried hard to be the perfect step mum, but that's exhausting and thankless (yes, I am. also a parent and know that any kind of parenting can be thankless) and now I actively look forward to the non kid days.

I've been struggling with it for some time now. I don't have much of a bond with the children.

I wish I hadn't. now my options are to muddle through or move out. I have little privacy or time to myself; there's a lot less "us time", you get the picture.

it may work for you, but that's my experience

spongedog · 05/11/2019 20:17

Not every man who has their children 50% of the time is a "good" dad. My ex is a controlling individual who didnt want to pay child maintenance. He refuses to co-parent and tells everyone what a poor parent I am. By co-parenting I mean discussing the children and their requirements, compromise on date changes, respectful towards the situation of 2 families. Plenty more examples can be provided.

So my advice to you is to look very carefully at his life, how he deals with others, is he respectful, kind, well mannered. Does he have a good circle of circles of friends that you might like and respect? Be very wary of any information from his family - my ex's family believe his lies but were always very odd themselves.

Does he want more children? A good friend of mine dated and married a man who was clear - that first family was enough. I do know many other men who are similar in their views as they have moved on beyond small child care (which they did very little of in the first place).

You havent said how long you have been dating? My friend mentioned above has been married over 10 years and there are still issues with some of the DC. Her husband was very poor (imo) how he dealt with his children and the intro of the new g/f, partner, wife.

LatentPhase · 05/11/2019 20:30

I think your gut is telling your something and you should listen.

How long have you been dating?

Absolom · 05/11/2019 20:39

The kids aren't going to be there half the time and you will have privacy then. However:

I have no children yet but I'd love one, he would like another too.

Once you do this you will have that child 100% of the time and no privacy. So if you can't handle his kids half the time due to privacy he isn't the man for you and you probably shouldn't have any yourself.

JenniferM1989 · 05/11/2019 20:40

Every parent gets little 'me' time or time to their self, it's par for the course of being a parent. I genuinely think people that place a lot of value on their free time should maybe think ahead and wonder if kids are right for them or if getting together with someone with kids is right for them. Your attitude and behaviour will affect actual human beings basically so it's worth thinking about, there's little room for selfishness in parenting and step parenting. You are doing exactly that now OP, you are being sensible and thinking ahead. How much do you value your free time? Are you ok with getting a night out every so often rather than every week? Are you ok with not getting a lie in most weekends? Are you ok with giving up the TV? It's things like that that you give up or partially give up. I guess you don't fully know how it will be until you're in it but speaking to other step parents and parents will give you a good idea - it's a very sensible post you've done here

Lauren83 · 05/11/2019 20:41

Personally I wouldn't do it, I did it myself and I struggled with it for various reason, he was a prick though too so that didn't help, it made me realise though that it wasn't something I should consider again and I didn't

cacklingmags · 05/11/2019 20:55

Kids are lovely but hard work. Going from not having kids to having half time step kids is an enormous step. I only have cared for my own much loved DC but that left very little personal time. Going from not being a mum to being a mum is a bloody great shock in the best of circumstances.

Tiptopj · 05/11/2019 20:56

I understand why you're asking for advice but in all honestly it doesn't matter whether it works for someone else or not, this is your relationship, your partner and his children and whether that works out is down to you all.
I think with 50% custody you'll know fairly quickly how you feel, everyother weekend access can take a while to bond due to not seeing the children regularly enough and having long gaps where it is just the two of you. You'll know if there is a bond with his children and how comfortable you are with them and providing you take things slowly you should be able to move on fairly easily without too much disturbance for the children if the bond isn't there

SpindleCrow · 05/11/2019 21:10

My DP had his children 100% of the time from the moment I met him.

I had mine most of the time too.

We didn't and still don't live together. We just can't. Tbh we couldn't have a joint rabbit let alone a joint child.

Whatever you do, don't fool yourself - look at all the threads here. Resentment could become your middle name.

DP and I have quite a nice life; but I already have my DC, so I don't feel I'm making too much of a sacrifice iykwim? if you haven't had children yet, there's still plenty of time to look around for a better scenario for you.

CheersMedea · 06/11/2019 14:52

So if you can't handle his kids half the time due to privacy he isn't the man for you and you probably shouldn't have any yourself.

That's not fair. Other people's children are on some level strangers and do intrude on your privacy. Your own children are more part of you so are part of your own private life.

It is a reason not to shack up with a guy who has children and get into a step mother situation. It's absolutely not a reason to not have your own children.

Original poster
Littlekate123 · 06/11/2019 19:00

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to reply so honestly, I genuinely appreciate it and will be having a think over the next week or so. It has helped to hear these points of view xxx

OP posts:
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