I have been "best friends" with someone for 20 years
Except we aren't best friends anymore and we haven't been for some years and I feel like we are both engaged in a charade that nothings changed and we haven't fallen out and this becomes particularly problematic at Christmas.
We haven't had a major disagreement and haven't had a verbal argument
From my perspective, we both had a number of personal events in succession and I felt there was a deep disparity between what was expected from me and what I was allowed to expect in return. She also made me feel like absolute shit when I was struggling with my mental health, she sent me a very cold text and was nowhere to be seen.
Next thing I know is, I'm in another situation were I'm expected to lavish attention on her and put myself out financially.
And I just pulled back, like enough, you're need to constantly be centre of attention has become a real problem for me.
It was one of those situations, were once a problem is seen it can't be unseen. Having pulled back from the friendship to leave it to her to make the effort it became obvious that I had done most of the legwork in keeping it going these years as well and that hurt all the more. Other things, that I had let go because of the friendship being long distance, and "We've only got 2 days, let it go" IYSWIM? came to the fore and I sort of had an epiphany that actually she was very selfish and held some unkind opinions about me
I still think that she probably thinks SHE ghosted ME, but it's fairly mutual we dropped any effort to contact each other roughly simultaneously. It had run its course.
However, we are trapped in a cycle of tis the season Christmas contact, were we exchange texts on the day and ask after each other. This makes me feel obligated to acknowledge her DC with gifts at Christmas, as that is what a "best friend" would do.
The reality is that these children don't know me from Adam, and one of the extenuating issues I had with her was how grasping and expectant she was around gifts for her DC
compared to her willingness to be reciprocal to the DC of others. (I don't have DC but this impacted mutual friends)
The reality also is that we won't have much if any contact for the rest of the year.
I'd like it to stop, but my fear is that if I'm the one who ends it, I de facto become responsible for the ultimate end of the friendship and it's a responsibility I don't really accept. She has made as little effort as me but would rather I be the one at fault.
I feel like I'm trapped in fear of being blamed, obligated to be nice and guilt that I really don't want this friendship, of itself but definitely not as a fake awkward pseudo obligation friendship either
I think what I'm looking for from this thread is the guts to carry it out and ignore the FOG/words to use if I am cast as the Bad Guy/challenged as to why I have ignored her and her DC this Christmas
Please be nice, I know I have let this drag too long, but the whole thing has been a really crappy experience that at times was upsetting.