Would this bother you? No proposal related.

[LighteningRidge]

First I must say I have no particular desire to get married. I have wanted to in the past then changed my mind and changed it back again. I'm not sure if this is a symptom of the partners I have chosen or it is just something I'm not bothered by. I have no desire for a wedding whatsoever I know that much.

Now to my question. DP won't ever ask me to marry him or vice versa. He says he thinks marriage is outdated and pointless. Fine. However, he has been engaged in the past to the mother of his children. I know how he asked her and they chose the ring together. They also used to celebrate their "anniversaries" of getting together. We have nothing like that and he doesn't want to get into it. Tbf I don't feel any particular need myself. However, I can't help sometimes feeling that he'd do it for his ex but not for me. I know I'm being ridiculous because I don't necessarily value these things myself and he was younger then but sometimes it just niggles at me and makes me feel a bit crap. So why am I bothered?

OP im with you and totally get it.
I totally agree with where youre coming from, you want him to feel as enthusiastic about your relationship as he clearly did about his exes.

My current DP has told me a number of times the lengths he used to go to to buy his ex amazing presents. (He walked out on her for being too high maintenance). In some sort of weird protest he has never bought me anything spontanious or expensive. And i feel the same "why am i not worth that?".
Of course, his views are, he left her because he felt he had to do that to keep her and it wasnt for him.

You need to come to a compromise. Pick a day that is a celebration day where you do something special together each year. When he asks why, tell him because it means a lot to YOU, thats why.

Are we with the same guy? I have had the presents talks too (massive Xmas list given for him to get her!) I am not remotely bothered to write a great big list of things I want don't need. Just a little something is nice.

I literally just mentioned a day to celebrate. He looked at me with something between confusion and disgust. I took it as a no which is fine, but yet k acknowledge I am not worthy of a nice meal out which the ex obviously was.

OP, I think this is about much more than just whether or not either of you want to get married.
You very obviously do not feel loved or valued. And how could you, when his every word and deed tells you that in his eyes you are not?
So far, he has established that you are:
Not worth marrying
Not worth a special meal out
Worth less in terms of Christmas presents than his ex.
He is grooming you to be grateful for scraps, and to accept your lowly position in his priorities.
You can either accept this crap position - or tell him to fuck off.
And may I say, I hope you choose the latter.

Make it clear its not negotiable, the celebration/ anniversary and if he can do that youll let the proposal slide.

Then set a xmas budget for presents together so he realises he is expected to buy things. I did the xmas presents thing a month or so ago. It was initially met with that look, that you describe, but last night he actually wanted suggestions for gifts for him to buy from me. So these things just take a while to compute sometimes. Bless

Maybe he didn't actually want to do it for his ex, felt he had to do it out of obligation and now he has met you and he feels like he can be himself and not worry about the societal pressures of what a relationship 'should' look like. Is that a nicer way of looking at it?

That being said, no reason you can't celebrate together, you just have to put a date in your diary, and organise something you'd both like.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I do sometimes feel undervalued and unloved. I have mentioned this before to him but I know it falls on deaf ears. Usually I can just get on with life without worrying about these things but some days it really gets under my skin. Today is one of those days. Maybe I'll choose a celebration day and if he doesn't like it then I'll go out for a fancy meal by myself!

Or maybe find a relationship where you don't feel unloved and undervalued

If you feel unloved then that is the case. I don’t in the same circumstances because my DP shows me love and appreciation. I don’t need him to propose, neither of us want to marry.

The dynamic and circumstances of all relationships is different. If I wanted to pressure my DP into something, I’m sure I could. He would be unhappy and I would be unhappy.

LighteningRidge

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

I would now find a relationship where you do not feel undervalued and unloved. Love your own self for a change OP because this man you are with only loves his own self and what usefulness you provide for him.

If you go onto choose a celebration day make that the one you choose to get away from him!.

I don't always feel this way. Just more so recently. Winter really gets him down and it has started already this year. He did say to me this morning apparently there is some study out about selective hearing in relationships. So he acknowledges it on a basic level. I would respect his decision if he didn't want to do anything. I have no issue doing things on my own or with friends.

As for what I get out of the relationship, I think we would both struggle to answer this question on a meaningful level. We have lost our way from each other and both of us probably hold the other responsible when in actual fact we both are and we both need to resolve it together.

You two together are not good together and he is particularly not good for you.

It seems that he has made you feel more miserable over time and that will continue to happen. I also think regardless of the season this man is a fun sponge. It is not a joint problem here to fix; these are his issues only to solve. And he does not want to because he deep down thinks there is nothing wrong with him and the fault lies with others, in this case you. He does not want to resolve anything. You can either accept this from him or actually choose not to.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I think on some level you are probably right. I know it never happens but I would love to get back to having fun and without the worries. I just thought that is how relationships go though. Shit gets real and life is 90% tedious and boring.

Relationships growing up is a tricky one to answer. Mum and dad divorced. Dad remarried. Mum didn't. First boyfriend was mostly very caring and loving but we grew apart. Current DP helped me overcome the last stages of mild GAD/OCD I was experiencing and now we're here. Not much excitement I'm afraid.

I think it's as simple as communicating "i need xyz, these are my standards for a healthy and happy relationship, i need you to meet them or I can't stay"

Most couples celebrate some anniversary. Even if it's just a meal out or even breakfast out. Nothing fancy just a day to say "oh it's nice we have been together x years" to refuse to acknowledge it seems odd.

Weddings and proposals aside, this guy is not a keeper. I think, deep down, you know this too.

If it helps, I was your DP (apart from having kids).

I was engaged; I celebrated anniversaries with my ex. He was also emotionally abusive and made me feel terrible if I didn't.

I am SO much happier with my current DP and we don't do any of this. We have no plans to get married (he's divorced), we don't live together, and we don't celebrate anniversaries or valentine's day.

I adore him, and intend to be committed to him forever. And he's told he he feels the same. We just show it in other ways.

I'm sorry if you feel as though you have lost your way together. I"m just trying to offer a different point of view. I know it won't work for everyone, but it works for us.

This man only loves his own self & what usefulness you provide for him. So true. I can relate op, have been feeling the same as you throughout my 5 yr relationship. I’ve personally had enough of feeling this way, so will be reminding myself of Atilla’s words when I inform him I have decided to change my lucrative fifo contract work to permanent. When he gives me the sad puppy dog eyes, I will be reminding him that what matters to me has never been important. Life is too short for feeling this way Lightening. I’ll be 50 next year & think it’s about time to value myself.

Everyone's views are so interesting and welcome. I really feel that I want to work to get our relationship back on track. I don't see why it can't? When we met I thought he was "the one" we had so much in common and we wanted the same things. I'm not sure where it changed and how we ended up getting to this point. As I previously said I don't feel any particular desire to get married or celebrate anniversaries but it would be nice to know that I was important enough to commit to on another level (would never force marriage obviously!).

Tell him exactly as you have told us it’s very level headed and not asking too much

Start the conversation with I need you to listen , really hear what i am saying ... then See what he says

It's obvious that you do value yourself @takethebullth: you come across as dignified and very clear-sighted. You and OP both deserve more than the crumbs of affection being offered by the men in your life.

I really feel like you’re trying to convince yourself you don’t want commitment and marriage, but deep down you do.