I'm here because I've read lots of clear and sound advice, and hoping to get some. I'm in my 60s, have been married 3.5 years and thinking of ending it. My husband is from another country and dating was long distance and difficult. The journey to getting legal status was also difficult and expensive.
The immigration process is almost finished but lately I'm thinking our relationship is unsustainable-and maybe I should not finish the immigration papers and encourage him to leave. We have morphed into parent/child-or maybe it always was. In the beginning I knew from his situation (poverty, no formal education, language barriers) that he wouldn't be able to help with the costs to immigrate-and many other things-so I did all of that. So now he has 3.5 years in this country (and 11 years into our relationship) and I am doing almost everything; cooking, cleaning, financial planning, managing most of our income tax, helping him with his business, taking care of repairs and managing my own business (which supports us).
My online searches of relationships that devolve into parent/child always tell of a man or woman intentionally not helping (ie drugs, out drinking with his friends, or spending household money on stupid things) In my situation none of this is intentional-he just can't figure out how to do things because of his background and lack of education and experience. He is otherwise kind and generous-which is exactly my dilemma.. I don't blame him for his limitations but I'm being crushed with all the responsibility; his business and social life (he says things that are culturally unacceptable here but normal in his country) his work life (how to navigate his benefits), his phone calls (he doesn't understand well over the phone), and all of my work, and all the normal things to run a house and businesses.
I'm also scared bc my finances are being drained slowly- He makes the minimum-and supports his ex-family (which I agree is the right thing to do) But that pretty much takes his whole salary and nothing is coming back to OUR finances or OUR future retirement savings. I feel that my future is at risk because I'm not saving as much as I should and I'm spending more than I had planned. And a secure retirement is what I've worked my whole life to build
I was madly in love with him for years and when we got married-now I feel like an indentured servant of some kind-not where a person who fought for women's rights wants to find herself.
We get along well although communication is difficult (I have to explain everything) and as long as I do everything. When I bring this up he tries to help but really does not have the knowledge or resources to make a dent.
Any ideas??