Don’t know what I’m going to do

[MB16]

Hi, I’ve been with my wife altogether for 21 years & married for 9. We have 2 children one 19 & one 15 & up until around 6 months ago were very happy. My wife changed & became very distant towards me & very quiet. She has now finally told me what’s wrong & says she still loves me but only as a friend and wants to split. She says I haven’t done anything wrong it’s just the way she feels & isn’t willing to try & fight for our marriage. I’m absolutely devastated and don’t know what to do. I also suspect she has started going through the menopause and wonder if this could possibly be why she is like this as well. Can anyone help? I don’t know what to do. I love her so much & don’t want to lose her

I'm sorry about this, but it sounds like she's made up her mind. Is there anything that could have contributed, like a lack of effort from you?

Possibly yes. I just wish she’d tell me what went wrong

Has she ever talked to you about relationship issues before?

No never

Could it be from lack of couple time? Too busy with individual interests?

She must have been feeling this for a while to come out with it.

Yes. We hardly spend anytime together just the 2 of us always have the kids with us. I just wish she came to me earlier if she was feeling like this & could maybe have made things better

I’m there the other way round. My husband of 18 years, 26 years together, left me in early September saying all the same things. No children. He is 53. We appeared to be happy and he never discussed being unhappy with me. Refuses counselling and blames me for his problems. I anticipate that he wanted to embark on a relationship with someone else though he denies it. May not be the same in your case. I suggest looking at spouse abandonment syndrome online to get some context.. I really feel for you. It is horrible and a lot of us seem to be suffering at present.

Thank you so much I'll have a look. She says there is no one else but I do sometimes wonder. I hope you're doing okay

Sorry but this screams of another man.
But that aside, if she doesn't even want to try then you need to start the process of separating.
Does she work?
Do you work?
What is the housing situation?
Can you afford to move out to your own place?
She will never understand the 'loss' of you unless she actually loses you.
You need some space though. Is there anyone you can stay with for a while?
Someone who you can talk to and confide in?

Yes we both work. Yes I'm staying at a friends. She says I'll always be a big part of her life & her mine for as long as I want her to be. It's really messing with my head

im so sorry. The only thing i can suggest is keep talking to her, keep letting her know you are there. How old is your wife can i ask? it doesnt mean theres another man.

Thanks. I just can't believe she isn't willing to try & makes me think it's because I've made her that unhappy. She's 44

And the head-fuck as well.
That's not on OP.
And it's really unfair of her.
Detach and distance yourself.
Contact only about the children.
She could have early menopause but 44 is very early.
You got together very young. She may just want some freedom to find herself. She's been a wife and mother for decades.
But I'm standing by my first observation of other man, or she has at least had her head turned.

Yes I wonder that myself sometimes

Thank you for asking. I am getting through each day with some days being better than others. The ‘friends’ thing! Yes I had that too. My experience is that their desire to be friends disappears quite speedily once they have got you out of the way. Your experience may be different but I wouldn’t hold on too tight to the friends idea. It makes them feel better about themselves and that’s all they are interested in. Sorry about being so blunt but I clung on to hope and kept getting more hurt. I am iron woman as much as I can be now.

Good for you. Take care

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I think it's even harder for you as she's said you've done nothing wrong so there's no reason to blame or work on to change.
Sorry, no real advice as she's obviously not up for talking/working this through or counselling but I hope you have a supportive network around you and you will get through this although it probably doesn't feel like it now. Take care

Please dont let people convince you its another man. She has been a loyal partner to you for 21 years she probably deserves more than that. I asked her age because of menopause, a friend of mine had an awful few years and didnt know how she felt from one day to the next. I really hope you manage to work it out OP.

Thank you so much

I can’t help but think she says I have done nothing wrong just to avoid argument & actually I have

Is there any possibility she suspects you of having an affair/ONS at the time when she started going cold?

Has she asked you in the past to pick up more of the housework/childcare/household admin and you've temporarily stepped up but then got back to old habits? I don't mean to accuse you of being a lazy beggar but it's such a familiar story on these boards, and it's a common relationship ender after a time because it slowly erodes the love and respect felt towards the one who isn't pulling their weight.

The timeline would fit that scenario - she's basically waited until the eldest is through their A-levels (I assume) and has spent the run up emotionally detaching from the marriage.

It means she is 6 months or so ahead of you in terms of preparing for separation and mourning the end of the marriage.

Another man is certainly a possibility, or maybe she has just had a simple flirtation and thought "Hey I've still got it, I don't really fancy my H any more - the kids are old enough now to look after themselves if I want to go on dates."

I think unless she's mentioned physical symptoms associated with menopause, such as her periods stopping (or getting much heavier), hot flushes, night sweats, that is probably a red herring I'm afraid.

I'm 46 and entering menopause and I have all of the above and the most ridiculous emotional over-reactions and mood swings. I don't have a partner but I can't imagine being "inspired" to break up a marriage of that length by my mood swings.

How have the DC taken it? Have you been able to make regular contact with them?

MB16. Please don’t blame yourself. Why do you think you must have done something wrong? What do you think you might have done to cause her to change her mind about her feelings for you? You come across as a kind, caring, thoughtful person. If you have done something to cause the change, your wife should be adult enough to discuss it with you before reaching a decision in which you have not been allowed to have any say. It might be that after a discussion you decide to go your separate ways but at least you would have been heard. I think she has made her mind up and all you can do is get on with living your life. It is a horrible situation for you. It is no real comfort to say that you are not alone, although it feels like that now.

I don’t know if she thinks I’ve been having an affair or not but there’s no reason too. I’ve always mucked in with the house work & she’s never asked me to do more. I see the children all the time & we still get on well together. She even sends me a message now and again at work which she wasn’t doing before the split. I really don’t know what to think

Thank you SuperbMonkey. I hate feeling like this. I just can’t help but think I must’ve done something for her to be like this