After Separation - Can I limit bullying In-Laws access to my child?

[Coolwinter]

I’m going through a prolonged separation. DS aged 6 has special needs, and is vulnerable.

ExDP is on one side caring and another possibly verbally and emotionally abusive. I’m not sure. He has been most angry and horrible when his family have been in his ear - I then get angry shouting about stuff I have or haven’t done. They are all taking a particular interest in DS, more so than any other child in their family, and DS has begun to come back with
A) his accent being made fun of (it comes from me)
B) hearing nasty comments about me
C) some health and safety concerns e.g. lack of supervision (my child needs constant supervision)
D) A child family member fighting DS, taking away his iPad, and low level bullying.
E) wanting to only have DS in the house, never ours, even when we were together.
F) SIL and oldest Step daughter absolutely hate me, take charge and undermine my parenting, tell DP what I do is wrong, and are making up stories about the past that they are telling ExDP, saying DS ‘needs them’.
G) SIL and DSD want DP to spend all access time at their house where they are taking over as parent.

DP on his own with DS isn’t too bad. At first he didn’t take on board or believe his special needs however it got better. Except with his family.

I’m beyond stressed about this. Mainly because I do huge amounts of professionally supervised work with DS and he’s developing wonderfully - yet now we are separating DP wants more time on his own with DS but will take them to in laws. His mum isn’t too bad even though she listens to the bad gossip.

I have done nothing wrong to the in laws by the way! I think DP instigated the rift by slagging me off when he decided to leave. They call me controlling and superior.

I can’t keep working with DS but have this work undermined on a regular basis, which will happen. I’m thinking of writing this clearly into a separation agreement and also asking DP to take DS to activities that are beneficial to DS for shorter periods rather than having EOW where he basically dumps them with SIL and SD and he’s neglected and bullied.

Sorry should have said,... DP then gets angry...

The only option you have is to tell the Ex that if he insists on taking the boy to his DPs, then you will stop contact altogether, or insist that it takes place under supervision at a contact centre. Then he will have to apply to the court for what contact he wants, and you will have to explain to the court why he shouldn't have it.

How much evidence would I need? I am a bit scared it will be a case of he said, she said?

What singlenotsingle wrote. Your child here is being used as a pawn by your ex to further control both you and your son.

Give Rights of Women a call for a chat about access rights: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Also give Women's Aid a call on making sure you are safe with this man. I wouldn't want people like that around my vulnerable child and what they are doing is abusive.

To be honest there's not a great deal that you can do about it.

If you stop/reduce contact then ex can just take you to court and get it reinstated. What he does on his contact time is up to him.

However, it depends how clued up he is legally or how insistent he is about going to the in-laws so much. When me and exH were divorcing I got my solicitor to write him a letter saying that the children were not to be around his step mum. The letter worked for me.

Thanks all. I feel like I want to protect my son, yet they are all saying I am being abusive and controlling by wanting to limit or even say anything. I’ve raised concerns on the nicest way possible e.g. told them the other child hurt my DS, could they supervise more closely and was absolutely slated. I’m worried freer access, if they are ignoring this, will escalate any low level stuff that is happening now into something bigger.

It terrifies me if I’m honest. I’m not sure I can keep on with all the positive work with DS, which is pretty hard going really and I’ve given up my job to do it, if I’m undermined even EOW.

The list you have is pretty bad but I can also see a lot of bitterness - courts would need evidence of harm and not just a different parenting style. Generally speaking you can't control what the other parent does and courts don't get involved unless it's child protection issues

It IS a child protection issue, surely stucknoue?

I feel stuck. I don’t know that this hits the bar for court order? I wish there was something inbetween like a ‘warning’ system - that I could put limits on ILs - however like you said it might just be seen as me being possessive? I’m so disheartened - it feels like abuse.

For me it’s the widespread, low level but insidious bullying and undermining of me - that is the issue and I fear will get worse. He’s particularly vulnerable and me working with him needs a very high level of bonding and trust between me and DS.

It's your job to protect him. No one else is going to do it.

Yes. I need to do whatever is in my power to do. I wish I could persuade Ex but he’s now firmly in his families camp now we are separating. Thanks @Singlebutnot

What your in laws are doing is parental alienation. I think this is now illegal in the U.K.? Tell ex he can go to court for access. What he is doing is not beneficial for your ds.

You need to speak to lawyer!

At present it’s a he said, she said situation and unless you have some verifiable safeguarding concerns I think it would be unlikely that a court would sanction limiting contact with your Ex.

You are going to need third party involvement to support your claims: child psychologist, school counsellor etc.

Another way might be to give Ex the days that DS has activities? He won’t like it, and he doesn’t like taking him to things, however the ball would then be in his court, he’d have to contest why that is a problem and he can’t just pawn DS off on ILs?

Although unfortunately the activities don’t last all day and overnights will be an issue.

@AgentJohnson that will be hard. DS has special needs and cannot relay information well - for example one issue arose 4 months after the incident - I know this happened as DS will sometimes say word for word what someone said out of the blue - however he will not repeat it.