Woken up in a nightmare...

[Imsoshitatbeingagreyrock]

I’ve been really unhappy in my marriage for a long time but my husband has been especially awful to me over the past two years. Distant, emotionally neglectful, critical of how shit and boring I am, generally going from verbal abuse to stonewalling me for days on end.

I found a solicitor and have been in the process of filing for divorce and then last week I found evidence that he’s been having an affair, for nearly two years if not longer.
We have three children - 7, 5 and 9 months (the baby was born this January).

I didn’t want to be with him any more. I had decided that already but this has totally floored me. I can’t stop my brain going over all the dates and times he started rows with me to justify going off for the evening. And encouraged me to take the children away on my own (while pregnant) several times last year.

I feel like I’ve woken up in a nightmare and my dissociation is off the scale. I asked him to deny it or leave. He left. And now he’s backtracking and gaslighting and I’m so shit at being a grey rock.. :(

I’m sorry you’re going through this which and the affair is clearly a shock. I think you should be glad hes left but clearly he wants to get back but i wouldnt let him. I’d continue your plans to divorce him.

This must be horrendous for you OP.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Is he still out of the house?
Right now, nothing we say can make you feel any better.
Just get through each hour at a time for now.
Reach out to friends and family.
Get some real life support for yourself and your DC.
Set up contact with the Ex. Maybe one evening a week and an night at the weekend.
But ensure that does NOT happen at YOUR house.
Speak to your solicitor and see how this changes things.
Do you work at all? I'm assuming your work is looking after 3 kids?
Look at the entitledto website and also see what he would owe in maintenance every month.
Try not to emotionally communicate with him for now.
Factual stuff about the kids only.
Is your house mortgaged? Rented?
You will need to have a conversation about split of assets etc... at some point.
But you are not ready yet.
Right now you need to look after yourself.
Get that support around you.
Find any paperwork you can.
His wage. Bank accounts. Savings. Assets. Pension.
I'm assuming you already have your marriage cert. as you need this for the divorce.
(((((HUGS))))

Be prepared for what is to come from him.
Have at good look through THIS THREAD THE SCRIPT

Ugh. The script has made me want to vomit. He’s been totally detached for at least two years. Telling me I’m not supportive enough, that he wants to be left alone.. I dragged him to counselling and he said he hadn’t felt loved for ten years. I’ve been trying to figure out where he’s gone and whenever I asked, he’d say that it wasn’t “safe” to be in a relationship with me - because he’d goad and push my buttons until I got angry with him. He’s cut me out of everything to do with his work and family.. ugh 🤮

He has said for a while he’ll move out in January but wouldn’t specify why it was January. Maybe they have plans to move in together? He’s also threatening to come back to “his home” very soon and it’s impossible to engage him in any normal/rational chat about the childcare. I do work part time as well as looking after the three children but he had disengaged so much and causes so much emotional drama when he’s there that in some ways it’s easier without him. I have a solicitor, the passports, the marriage certificate. I have no idea about his finances. He’s highly secretive about those as well as everything else.
My solicitor thinks he’s a sociopath. It was bad enough without knowing about the affair. Ffs

Yes indeed - It's so accurate.
It's like, all men that cheat have read it somehow.
But they haven't.
It is all just standard behaviour for the lying scumbags.
The re-writing history is the main bit as well.
I can't believe your counsellor didn't pick up on it!
All I can suggest right now OP is to detach detach detach.
Easier said than done, I know!

I had the exact same thing, 2 years of being treated so badly and him making me feel awful. Then discovered affair, him rewriting history, the works. Then one day I realised ITS NOT PERSONAL....it was like a switch had been flicked. He's a liar and a cheat and a sociopath...he would have done this whoever I was, however beautiful and wonderful I was, as it was nothing to do with me. I was just a pawn in his game. Once that penny had dropped I felt so much freer and able to let go and move on.
I hope your penny will drop soon and wish you all the strength to deal with the next few years....he will punish you for ruining his game, be sure of it.

I had the same @bowtieandheels my friend said to me after I'd spent months thinking 'if only' I'd been thinner, 'if only' I'd given him more sex, 'if only' I hadn't nagged him - this list was endless. My friend said 'stew' you could farted rainbow dust and he's still have done it... you know why, because it wasn't about you, it was all about HIM. That's when the penny dropped for me.

OP, keep going, this isn't about you, you could have farted rainbow dust too and he'd still have treated you like shit, you know why, because he's a cunt, that's why. Push ahead with the divorce

It won’t be an easy few months but trust me you’ll be better off long term without him. Don’t react to him, no matter how hard it is as your just being dragged into his games if you do. Hold you head high and concentrate of who matters. Yourself and the children. Good luck x

I am sorry OP. You will only torment yourself if you go over dates of arguments. Your dh clearly orchestrated arguments to have an excuse to leave the home. It is the lowest of the low when people will stop at nothing to make life work to their advantage. I do not know how you can come back from this. He owes you the truth even if you plan to leave.