Is anyone up for reassuring me I've done the right thing by ending it? Feeling sad.

[scrambledheadtoday]

Oh, where to begin.

About 6 years ago I met a lovely man. It was a long distance relationship which due to differing shift patterns (and I guess the tiredness of commuting to work and also to see each other) it didn't work out and I often felt not very important.

A few months after we broke up I met someone else who absolutely showered me with attention, made me feel VERY important.....and you may not be shocked to hear it spiralled into domestic abuse. We had a child together.

Lovely man got back in touch after I broke up with abusive ex. We were friends for months and then dated and then started a relationship again. A strange relationship, granted, because we never spent an overnight together (I tend to bedshare with my son as he doesn't sleep well so it wouldn't have been appropriate) and there was still the distance problem. Anyway, although we chatted on the phone regularly and saw each other a lot when dating (I was on mat leave) since I've returned to work 3 days a week this has decreased and often it's a couple of weeks between seeing each other. This didn't really bother him. It made me very sad as I felt lonely because I was supposed to be in a relationship but was mostly alone.

I'm ok alone, actually, despite what you've just read. But I can't be alone whilst in a relationship as it messes with my head! I need to be alone properly (as in single) and then I'm ok alone. Does that even make sense?

Anyway, I've ended it and we are going to stay friends but i just feel really sad at the waste. He's great, but the circumstances are not. And I had talked to him about how I felt a month ago and we discussed seeing each other more but it didn't happen. For info, I'd never move to where he lives as although it's lovely my family support is here. He wouldn't move to me because he likes where he lives and doesn't like where I live.

I just feel sad, which I know is normal but was hoping for some reassurance that I've done the right thing. I'd never have been happy in those circumstances....right?

Yes, you've done the right thing. You shouldn't move from where you have support and if he's not prepared to move either, it's got no long term prospects.

You need what you need.

@category12 thank you, it's definitely what I need to hear right now.

You' ve done the right thing.

It seems unusual that there were two weeks in between seeing each other. What was his reason for not being able to see you more often than fortnightly?
If he isnt prepared to make the effort to invest more time into the relationship, it is not worth wasting your time.

@midsummabreak various reasons. Most recently because on both of our free days this week he wanted a quiet day at home.

I think you are definitely right then to have called it quits with Lovely Man I would be wary of his loveliness, since it only goes so far. He is not bothered by not seeing you for weeks at a time? Just wants a quiet day? Hmmmm. It seems he wants you on a string when it suits him , and I would expect this could mean he either does not wish to get too serious, or he is married and is seeing you on the side. You only get out of a relationship what you put in. You are wise to leave him behind, and close the door firmly on this relationship so you can enjoy time and space on your own, and open the door to new possibilities.

Celebrate your freedom from second best relaionships. You are worthy of someone special

Of course you have done the right thing. It's harder when there's no abuse, and no "obvious" reasons to split, but yours are completely valid. He may be lovely, and an excellent friend, but the circumstances weren't right for you to have a romantic relationship. You should feel very proud of yourself

Oh thank you all so much for reading and replying. I do still feel sad but a bit more accepting today. It's horrible that feeling of loss when you end a relationship isn't it

Yes true Op, we fall so hard when our dreams don't check in with reality, yet we have to be true to ourselves. You are doing yourself a favour recognising early that you are looking for a relationship that can grow, with both partners excited to make time for each other. He has made his choice, and after talking about it, to be look at ways to invest more time, he made the same choice.

Just thinking that if you are like me you will blame yourself. Don't. His choices tell you everything you need to know about him, and his needs, but are not a reflection of your worth to be a romantic partner

He may need a quieter life and may not be ready to invest time due to work and distance constraints, or he has too much else going on in his life , who knows? Either way, he needs to follow the path that fits best for him, and vice versa.
You shared something special together and it hurts to let go, yet you are coming out of this having learnt more about yourself through learning more about him

@midsummabreak such lovely words. Thank you. And so very true. I look back on this time last year when it was all new and exciting and 'butterflies in tummy' stage and I'm glad I experienced it. Even if it's not to be.

Maybe also you're not at the right stage in your life for a relationship. If you're not able to spend the night together with a potential partner then I can see that that could be a possible reason for him not making that much effort to see you.
I'm not saying change your DC's sleeping arrangements or that you've done anything wrong, just that looking from the outside in, it does seem as though you're not quite in the right place just yet.
Big hugs to you. The first days will be hard but you'll be ok

Well done, OP. A lesser woman would have bumbled along, accepting the crumbs of time and attention he was prepared to offer, and preventing herself finding someone who was properly devoted to her.

You did exactly the right thing.