Unhappy and made to feel guilty

[7081R]

I’ve been with my OH for 4 years. It started off perfectly. It was true love and I’d never felt so happy. We have a 2 year old together. Before our child was even conceived, jealousy on his part started which led to a few arguments. My OH is insecure and I’ve been patient and understanding with him because of his childhood. A lot of the jealousy and other issues he has are mostly due to his childhood (mother left him and still doesn’t care about him, abusive father and a life changing injury). A few months ago, my ex lover and friend from my past contacted me to see how I was. No feelings or desires from either of us. I told my OH that a friend (I hadn’t told him he was an ex at this point) has been contacting me to see how I was. But when this person suggested meeting up (he included my OH in this meet up, so he wasn’t planning anything wrong), I needed to be honest and tell my OH that he was an ex lover. Hindsight-I should have told him when he first contacted.

This all happened 7 months ago and I have been getting verbal abuse ever since. He’s been making me feel I’m edge, shame and like a low life who cheated on him which I never have done. Needless to say the meet up didn’t happen and I stopped contact with this person.

I have apologised for not telling him right from the start that he was an ex, not just a friend. All of my friends and family have been telling me I did nothing wrong and that I shouldn’t have to give him a list of all my ex lovers/partners. But I think they’re biased. Things weren’t great before this came out but for the last 7 months it’s been horrible. I’ve tried sticking up for myself whenever he says something nasty to me or starts shouting. I’m so tired of it and i’m not happy with him anymore but I’m holding on to those wonderful feelings and intimacy we used to have.

I can’t fault him when it comes to being a father. He’s 100% dedicated and in love with our child but there are a lot of things that he does that bothers me that I’ve been putting up with. I won’t go into everything but one being he and his friends share nasty porn on WhatsApp (I’m thinking that’s my issue and I need to get over it?) but they also share horrible gruesome real images to each other that could make you sick. And sometimes they send him racist meme’s or making fun of disability meme’s which thankfully he doesn’t reply to but he still receives them without saying anything to those friends.
One friend sent him a meme that makes fun of a dying African child and another about a boy with Down’s syndrome. I absolutely hate that he associates with people like this and he knows it. His excuse is that he doesn’t respond to those things and that his friends took him in when he had no family so they are his family.

One day I want to break up with him and the next day I want to use all my energy to make it work, try to be happy and look forward to our future together.

I needed to post this to get outsider and non-biased views before I lose my mind. Thanks for reading my long post!

Your partner sounds very immature. It's perfectly natural and normal for people to have had relationships before they settle down. Have you considered counselling in order to work through these issues as you sound very conflicted?

He's not going to change, he's always been like this, he is controlling and abusive. You don't have to do anything right now but please call Women's Aid in order to get some advice on how to move forward.

We cannot change people, only ourselves and our reactions to them. It doesn't matter who did what when with who, what matters is that you are not happy and this has been going on for a long time. This is it, I'm afraid. This is who your partner is. The abuse tends to kick in once they have their feet under the table.

Please don't waste your precious life or that of your child, in an abusive atmosphere with someone who is horrible to you and makes you feel bad. Nothing is worth that: 0808 2000 247

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you go onto develop rescuer and or saving tendencies?. You really cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works.

There were red flags re this man that you either did not recognise for what they really were or chose to minimise. Your boundaries, messed up as they were to begin with, have been further messed about with by this person you are now with.

Not all people who have abusive childhoods go onto abuse their future partner. Its a choice and this man took the low road because that is really all he knows. You cannot love someone like this better and he will destroy you and your child going forward. He is controlling your friendships and will continue to do this. Soon you will become totally dependent on him and see no-one socially. You are in an abusive and codependent relationship with this person. Apart from that look at the company he keeps. This is not a nice person at all you are with and you are selling your own self short here by at all tolerating it and remaining with him for your own reasons. What are you teaching your child about relationships here and what do you want him to learn about relationships?.

All this about wanting to make it work is the sunken costs fallacy; you cannot make this work on your own and he likes having you around because he can abuse and otherwise mistreat you. The damage here has already been done. Never forget either that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

The wonderful feelings of intimacy you had will not return and were just an act on his part designed to draw you in. This is what such types are adept at doing. Such men like your "partner" hate women; all of them and that includes you.

Womens Aid can and will help you here but you are going to have to be brave and take that first step out, often the hardest one, to take yourself. Your child cannot afford to learn that abuse is his norm too.

There are a lot of red flags here, and it's time to start making clear what you will and won't accept. The porn is unacceptable. Most men and women do not feel attracted to sexual violence. End of. The jealousy and verbal abuse is equally unacceptable.

He has time to change and be the best person he can be, but you need to go for some joint counselling to set down some red lines and boundaries. He's not yet stepped into a fully abusive role, so make sure he doesn't. I allowed my exH to behave like this and it escalated. I sometimes wonder is I'd had firm boundaries from the beginning and better family support, he would have changed doubt it though, he was a bastard

Put a time limit on this, ensure you have good contraception and if there is no change in that time, go. Make plans and save some hidden money.

All of my friends and family have been telling me I did nothing wrong and that I shouldn’t have to give him a list of all my ex lovers/partners. But I think they’re biased

You think your friends and family are biased in their opinions but maybe they are just seeing something you are too close to see, that this man is abusing you. Can you speak to a friend or family member and tell them what is going on, ask them for support and get ready to leave this man for your own mental well being, you cannot continue to walk on eggshells around him to appease him.

Hi all. OP here. I am very sorry for not acknowledging your replies last year. I did read them and I took the advice. I left the relationship in Feb this year and I am doing so much better. It's just me and my son. My ex shares custody of our son. He is still abusive and horrible towards me and still makes me feel guilty but I have stayed strong and I'm getting better at dealing with it.

There have been times when I get the impression he's manipulating our son but I'm handling it very well with the help of his preschool teacher. I do not react no matter what he says to me and no matter how devastated he is. I am so glad I left the relationship. There are times when I feel sad about the good times but that's part of it and there's no way I'd go back to the relationship. I do struggle financially a bit more now but I actually feel stronger for it and I'm happier being a parent on my own.
I wanted to say thank you to all who responded. You gave me a boost that I really needed.

I'm glad you left, OP, what a horrible situation you were in. Well done

Well done you
Such a good mum and role model for your son.
Best wishes. Mx.

Good for you for getting out! You'll have a happier Christmas this year without this sordid creep.

Thank you so much. It wasn't easy, I had to get the police involved in the end but I'm so glad it's all done now.
I do often think of his childhood and I have so much empathy for the child he once was but it doesn't mean he can act the way he does as an adult and get away with it.

Good to see a positive outcome and really well done OP. You almost make light of it but I know it's really hard!