I need a reality check Im the other woman

[Annejeff]

This is a long story and I need help or a kick up the bum! It starts many years ago when I was 17 met an older guy 27 brilliant he was sweet and nice and kind year or so we moved in together. He lied from the get go told me he had one child I later found out he had 3 and possibly more. He then said he had 3 I forgave and became a big part of their lives. (turns out he has 5 that he sees I found this out years later) All is great in our world. Then he lies where he's going because he's gone all the time. I find out myself that he doesn't work where he says he works. I ignore this for way too long. I then bite the bullet and get my family to track him and he has a whole other life and home with this other young girl I confront her and tell her about us and she has all my old stuff in her house my fish tank that broke apparently! She also informs me she went to france with him when I was away with my mum and Nan on holiday. It was heartbreaking I was so upset. Left him obviously Moving back into my mum's home I got very depressed but I moved on or I tried too and met someone else. Wasn't long total rebound he also cheated but it didn't affect me this time. I got back into contact with the first man I met and met up a lot I felt I hadn't got over him but he told me he couldn't leave thus girl he cheated on me with it was too complicated. So I left again! I admit I said things to make him jealous and to show that he didn't affect me when he tossed me in the trash! I knew what to say to get to him. I then met someone else just as stupid. I stupidly rushed into marriage and had a baby. But that turned sour quick he had an affair with my friend again never bothered me! I contacted that man again! Because I'm a fool! And I left my baby's father he wasn't good and wasn't a good dad that needed to end. And got back with my first one and only love. He was still with the girl he cheated on me with all those years ago. But told me they were only home owners now and nothing else they were no longer together. And as soon as the house was sold he's back with me. 3 years and counting down the road it's the same story. He stays over a few times a month has two phones I can never contact him he's back away from my family now. But the worst thing is he constantly accuses me of cheating on him and how terrible and skanky I am for moving on and being with other people after him. And saying things to make him jealous. He seems to think im$ the one in the wrong for moving on and I'm the bad one. I hardly see my family anymore because he doesn't like where they live. I'm not allowed to wear makeup or certain clothes. I can't talk to many people he questions anything to the point I feel uncomfortable even though I'm doing nothing wrong. He's incredibly clever at talking anyone around. I'm reliant on him totally now! He buys me cars and has done up the house and my daughter's clothes shoes and toys! Hes amazing with my child I can't fault that and she loves him dearly! So if I leave now he will accuse me of just using him! But I wasn't I honestly stupidly believed we were setting up home to be together and be happy at last. I have other stresses i.e. contact being complicated and nasty! Hes helped with court and all of that aswell. What is wrong with me!? There is so much more to this aswell. I see all his kids now adults and teens but they see us but also stay at his house with him and her. I'm very confused he's spent all his savings on me made himself broke to help me or get me things. Again I guessed it was for when we lived together again. I would never of accepted it if I'd known he was never going to leave her. But I feel he blames me for him cheating for me trying to move on. Anyway I sound like a right mess I assure you I'm not. My child is my everything she's my life! And I'm a good mum and do what I can. And if she was being treated like this I'd be very upset. I'm too scared to leave.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You owe him nothing.

If he's abusive and lies that's not your fault.

He's never going to put you first. He never has.

Just end it for your own sake.

Dear god!
Wise up woman!
Re-read your thread.

Then read it again slowly.
You are being a total and utter doormat.
You are allowing this vile creature to abuse you constantly.
You are 'addicted' to him.
Get some therapy and get back to your family and put this scumbag well and truly behind you.
You have a DD to protect here.
What would you do if she came to you and told you she was with someone like this?
You'd get her the fuck away from him.
Do the same for yourself.
What a horrible role model he is for your DD.
And you for that matter and I try not to victim blame but you are putting this awful person before your poor DD.
STOP IT!!!!!
You are a mother now. You have other responsibilities!
Call Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme as quickly as possible.

You deserve so much more, your post reads as you have a deep dislike for yourself. Please leave don’t model this relationship to your daughter. It is irrelevant that he buys you things, he calls you a skank for moving on after HE cheated! He is awful, please leave.

Wow! What's so good about this scumbag that he's able to drag along women like this?

He's disgusting and you need to move on

Don’t believe anything he says, he is controlling you and lying to you.

IMO take what you can and run as fast as you can! Don’t go back!

I know you're all right. Hard to read but honest! Thanks :)

What was your parents relationship like when you were young?
You need to wise up and get rid. For your child’s sake if not yours. Get some set respect...and I mean that in the kindest possible way. What a huge chick of your life you have now wasted on that prick

He's a wanker.

He's a cheater, sounds like he always has at least two women on the go.

He's a liar.

He'll never offer you, or anyone, a good relationship.

It's great that you have no kids with him (if I read that right).

Pity it didn't work out with the father of your child but he sounds horrible, you can't change it and I'm sure yours happy you got your little one out if it.

It's now time to chill out, take a step back, think about things, enjoy being a mum, enjoy your life and take a good break from relationships until you've learned lessons from the previous ones, build up your self esteem, learn to be confident and look after yourself.

I actually find "he's just not that into you" to be a great book, cheesy title but great book to read about typical scenarios men and why to avoid them.

Also, although it's mainly about physically abusive men, Lundy Bancroft's book "why does he do that" works for all types of abusive, shit behaviour by men.

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Someone also mentioned the Freedom Programme.

he constantly accuses me of cheating on him

Because he's a cheater and thinks everyone's like him

how terrible and skanky I am for moving on and being with other people after him.

What, as opposed to him, who shags at least two women at the same time?

He's a cheater & liar. He's in no position to judge anyone, but for the record you could move into whoever you liked, whenever you liked.

Sounds like he thinks you and his other women are a harem who he shags, but you all have to be faithful to him - including when you're not even together. He's a fkg laugh, isn't he?

And got back with my first one and only love.

For someone to be your love;

they should be worthy of it - he's not,

and they should really love you back - he doesn't love anyone but himself, he's not capable of it.

As for being your first - we were all silly at 17. Let go of it. He shouldn't have been messing with someone ten yrs younger than him, only just legal age for sex, not even able to vote etc anyway - that was a sign he was/is a scum bag. Would you like your daughter to be with a nearly 30 yr old man when she's a teenager?

I doubt it. Most 27 yr old men don't get involved with 17 yr olds, for good/decent reasons. The guy generally sounds not right in the head, as well as having no morals.

You'll meet a real love if you get away from him and give yourself a chance to. There are men who don't act like him.

You'll need to plan how to manage financially.

I hardly see my family anymore because he doesn't like where they live. I'm not allowed to wear makeup or certain clothes. I can't talk to many people he questions anything to the point I feel uncomfortable even though I'm doing nothing wrong.

This is so fkg abusive.

I bet it's nothing to do with where your family live, but because he wants you to not have support from them. He wants you isolated.

Have you got women's aid in your area? Show then this post on your phone, or tell them what you've said here.

In my town they have a one stop shop once a week with benefits advisor, counsellor and solicitor .. please find out where your nearest women's aid is and go and speak to them.

I really appreciate your time and help through this hard time (that I afflicted on myself) I didn't and don't have a child with him and I'm also grateful for. I have so much to do. I'm so worried I will definitely seek help! And maybe time to talk to my parents.
The crazy thing is I had a "normal" up bringing my parents are still together now and very much in love and happy. I love them dearly. I'm scared! Sounds silly and pathetic I know. I hate confrontation so much I totally avoid it at all times! I don't even know how to do this! But I will read those books! Any excuse to read a good book. Thank you for your recommendations! When I see it spelt out like that it doesn't sound like my life! This isn't how it was meant to go! I just want to be happy!

I hate confrontation so much I totally avoid it at all times

And there in lies the problem.

Who said there has to be confrontation and drama....

"This isn't working for me, I'm breaking up with you...goodbye"

Without meaning to sound harsh grow a spine and raise your bar by a million and one miles.

You have taken a great first step by realising that this is not how you want to live your life.

It might be difficult to get him out of your life but you HAVE to. Much better things will happen once you are free of him. It will be difficult but you can do it. Make it happen, cut the cord! For your dd’s sake and your own

You're very welcome and don't blame yourself, you were very young. But you're no longer very young and it's past time to get clear of this excuse of a man, out of that toxic (non) relationship and build a happy life for you and your child. With a good head on your shoulders, you'll meet someone decent for a relationship in time.

Please do talk to your parents, if they're decent parents (which it sounds like) they'll really want to help you.

You have no kids with him so you have no ties to him and no reason to have him in your life.

He brings nothing but stress, shit, angst, abuse and mistreatment.

You have to.cut him out and keep him out, no contact, to break out if this toxic cycle.

He's familiar and he's habit because you got involved with him so young and gave known him for quite a while; but that will change. Someone else, someone decent, can become your familiar place and your home.

Habits can only be broken by not doing them, and sticking to that for as long as it takes.

Don't ever let him try to guilt you about money he's spent .. too fkg bad. The way he's treated you, if he'd kept you in the pentsuite of the Ritz for ten yrs, it wouldn't have been enough to make up for it.

Why would you live like this ? In a part time relationship with someone who is with someone else ? You are wasting your life . He doesn't love you . You refer to YEARS and that some of his children are now adults ? WTF? Is this all you want for yourself from life ?

I'm surprised anyone read your OP, as to me it was like a wall of words.

Paragraphs.

Go stay with your parents for as long as possible whilst you read those books and get therapy etc. Surround yourself and your daughter with their love and support. There’ll be no excuse or reason to contact him whilst you’re there either. Delete and block his number/email. Do it.