Relate - any good?

[ScapaFlo]

We've had a few difficulties in our marriage this year and after the last blow up DH said he would consider couples counselling. Is Relate any good? We live in a depressed rural area so not exactly stowed out with facilities and choices.

I suffer from very low self esteem at the moment and I'm a bit worried I'll find out that I'm the nightmare and I won't be able to cope. Should I perhaps have some counselling on my own first?

What has been happening this past year within your marriage?.

I bet you are not the nightmare at all. Why is your self esteem so low; has this happened over a number of years?.

I would consider counselling on your own to start with to gather your thoughts together. You need to be able to talk in both a calm and safe environment.

I would also state that if there has been any type of abuse within the relationship do not ever undertake joint counselling with him.

We went to relate this year and found it a useful, if stressful process.

If you have avoidant personality traits, prefer the path of least resistance and find it easier to bury your head in the sand, the relate process could be stressful as you have to face up to the realities of the situation where both of you will get to have a long hard stare in the mirror.

It's great to get you talking about things and clear the fog that might prevent you seeing the woods from the trees, however for it to be successful takes commitment and will to succeed from you both.

An open mind is essential.

Good luck.

Relate can be hit and miss. You need to click with the right counsellor or you won't benefit from it. The trouble with relate is that you don't choose your counsellor, you have one allocated to you and if you don't feel that they are right for you then it can be difficult to swap. There will be private counsellors even in a rural area. I've been in a similar position myself with my now ex. Do lots of Google research and call anyone you like the sound of for a chat. You should speak to several and pick whoever you feel most comfortable with. Remember that you will potentially be going into very personal discussions and to be able to open up you have to feel confident that you are with the right counsellor.

What Unicorns says is very important-you need to feel comfortable with your therapist. I had a dreadful experience with relate-she was completely unempathetic, but because exDH’s “friend” had recommended her, he would not see it. Just used it as another reason not to deal with the issues . The relationship with your therapist is far more important than the type of therapy they offer. Go find someone to help you,it will be better money spent

Thanks for responses. It just all seems to have gone a bit wrong. I suffered some serious depression a few years ago being badly bullied at work and it's left me with PTSD. DH found it hard to cope with but won't really talk. We both have elderly parents at opposite ends of the country who are deteriorating. Both sets in care homes except mine's now in hospital after falling.

I put on a lot of weight whilst being bullied (I comfort eat) and now am menopausal find it really hard to shift. I've also picked up and injury which makes exercise very difficult. He doesn't find me attractive.

His work is stupidly busy and he doesn't have much energy for anything when he gets home. He just wants to slump in front of the TV and not talk. I'm not working at the moment, it's really hard to get a job round here when your fat and fifties.

We have lost our connection and I don't think either of us can be bothered to get it back. We're polite and pleasant to each other but no real feeling 😢