Advice- am I lonely or do I miss him?

[Gaga87]

New here!

Brief background- with my ex for 5 years known him for 15. Quite a controlling relationship but also had the best times- 5 years and 3 miscarriages later I fell pregnant a 4th time and at 7 months pregnant found out he was cheating on me with the local sl*pper 😩 I had a tip off where he was with her and her mates and ended the relationship there and then! I also will make mention that he was using coke quite abit on weekends half way into my pregnancy, maybe guilt of the affair??) anyways after discovering the affair I Cut off my phone, moved out my flat went back to my mums and cut all contact. He went to jail a week later for driving offences (I believed someone was looking over me)🤪 fast forward I had a beautiful baby girl who is now 3 and he is back in jail and I have never seen him since. In 4 years he seems to have gone off the rails and spent 2 weeks out of 4 years nearly back in jail 🙄 He has tried contacting me through mutual friends and my mum but the door was always slammed in his face. So my question is I know he is out summer 20 and I am still single (3 years single) and I want more children- and I keep finding myself contemplating do I go back because I miss him and want my daughter to have the same dad as her siblings or am I just lonely because I haven't moved on after all this time??? Head is in pieces!!! Lonely and need help/advice?

Sounds like the dictionary definition of a rotter. Forget all about him.

It doesn’t sound like you’re lonely. If you were lonely, you’d have let him back in when he’d attempted it over the years. It sounds more like you want a second child but don’t want the stigma of having children with multiple men.

This is a man who started doing cocaine during your pregnancy (and I doubt it was out of guilt, there’s more readily available “guilt” drugs) and has been in jail for 4 years. He’s not just guilty of driving offences though if he’s been in jail for 4 years. This is also a man that cheated on you and he has no relationship with your daughter (either through his doing or yours I can’t quite see). But you think it’s sensible to have another child with him?

Also, he’s still in jail. You said he’s only managed to be out for two weeks before getting sent back in. What’s to say he’s out for 2 weeks in the summer before going back for another 2 year stint.

"In 4 years he seems to have gone off the rails and spent 2 weeks out of 4 years nearly back in jail"
He's not a catch is he? What has he been in jail for apart from driving offences? What kind of driving offences?

"do I go back because I miss him and want my daughter to have the same dad as her siblings or am I just lonely because I haven't moved on after all this time??? "
Just lonely and daft to think your DC need the same father. Better to have a different father, one who lives and respects you than a controlling jailbird.

"Quite a controlling relationship"
This is a reason to never go back. People who are controlling don't change. They might hide it better for a while until you're sucked in again though.

Your mum had the right idea.

Rotter 😂😂 @simone1863 I know and that has been my attitude for the last 3 years.... but can’t help looking back and don’t understand why! Disappointed in myself

@CakeAndGin
Thanks for the shake up 😝 he has been doing cocaine socially for years however I meant that the end of our relationship it was everyday rather than every other weekend. I believe he is in jail now for something relating to gbh but have not spoken with him so just hearsay!!!! For the last 3 years I have changed my life around and have really got my shit together. I was on my ass at 7 months pregnant and now I have a lovely home job friends and a perfect little girl. I haven’t moved on since this happened not one date nothing and I think me being single lonely has got me looking backwards.

@Whitleyboy thanks for your reply!!! You are so right his not such a catch when you put it like that I’m just finding it so hard to move on! I have been so driven and strong for the last 3 years and now I have come to a holy! Why am I feeling like this 😩

What has stopped you dating OP? I think you should get yourself out there and you'll see you have so many better options than this excuse for a man. Don't look back, you're not going that way.

Addiction, cheater and criminal. If you miss that, you need to learn to expect better for yourself.

All relationships have good times, but they alone aren't a good enough reason to stay.

Nothing really I go out maybe once and month. My job is quite isolating don’t meet many people. Online dating scares the heck out of me- how else do u meet people? I wish I was dating as I don’t think I’d be even looking back @Nighttimefreedom any suggestions?

@Windmillwhirl you are so right and I know this! This is y I’m baffled as to why I am thinking the way I am! He has been on my mind lately

I've no idea I'm newly separated myself! Give online dating a try you might be surprised.

Do any of your friends boyfriends have nice single friends?

I guess the main point is though, that even without someone special in your life you're better off than with a man like that. You don't want to take your life back there.

Loneliness can make us miss even the worst rogues and reminisce about good times. Time to widen your social network with people that are good for you. Make that your goal. Go back and you'd regret it. This guy is clearly bad news.

@Nighttimefreedom it’s just so out of my comfort zone!

@Nighttimefreedom
No unfortunately not!!! I have exhausted all avenues. And this is the thing 90% of my friends are in relationships I just feel sooo lonely come 7pm every evening! Sad but true

What about some new hobbies? A sporting club maybe? I've joined a running club recently, for beginners. It has a social aspect to it too.

@Windmillwhirl
It is so hard making new friends in your 30•s
Who would’ve thought it! 😫 feel like just giving up and resigning myself to being single forever! 3 years is a long time however it took me 2 to really get back to myself so only actively been ready the last 6 months! It doesn’t help I don’t get out much

OLD op. You need to get out there. Not only might it be a good distraction, but you might also find someone good! Sorry but ur ex sounds like the biggest waste and youve turned a corner and are doing so much better. Dont look back!

I can't give any new advice, but don't go backwards, you sound like a nice person. And have worked hard to get where you are now. Look forward, your only in your 30s
Just try old, maybe just texting and talking on the phone, might give you some confidence. But don't let him back in your life. Good luck

@Startingoveragain1 thank you! I feel a lot more strong willed after all these comments! U are all right he is a waste of space and I’ve avoided his letters to my mums address (he doesn’t know where I live- thank god) my daughter doesn’t need for anything but in the back off my mind I know he is out next year and will prob be in contact....

@purpleberry11thank you! So hard to get myself back out there! Single mothering does not leave much spare time!